


alone / with you

by artemidos



Category: From Dusk Till Dawn: The Series
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Loss of Virginity, Mostly Kate POV, psychic link au, vaguely inspired by sense8
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-18
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-15 14:42:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 55,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8060503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artemidos/pseuds/artemidos
Summary: suddenly there's someone in her room and a new voice in her head. she never wanted this. he never wanted it either. they're both screwed.





	1. hallucinations

**Author's Note:**

> i'm finally writing something with multiple chapters. i'm amazed at myself. i don't know how long this'll get right now but it came to me last night and this first chapter happened.

Concern with her purpose in life wasn’t something an eighteen year old girl should be stuck on.

In fact, heading towards her last days of high school and a summer blooming out before her full of freshly made plans, Kate Fuller should be giddy with what’s to come. She shouldn’t be standing there for agonisingly long in the shower, staring at the tiles, hesitant and unsure.

Her phone on the counter buzzed, going unnoticed and it would likely stay that way long after she stepped out of the bathroom. She’d have to turn off notifications for her group chat again tonight. It was hard to be in the mood to talk about her pseudo-boyfriend or graduating when the world was spinning without her. Everyone was moving forward and Kate felt rooted to the spot, pretending to participate when she was merely observing.

As a child, she always told her parents she would change the world. Make some big difference to everyone. She thought she’d be able to restore faith in those who need it. She thought maybe she could be her dad.

_ Yeah, that and have 2.5 kids and a picket fence. _

So idealistic, that little girl getting chastised for sucking on the silver cross that hung around her neck.

Then she was the twelve year old girl ready to float off into the world, held down by that cross.

Her religion had kept her from a lot. Maybe not the important things, not friendship and not love – or what she perceived to be love – but the normal teenage experience. The preacher’s daughter might have snuck out once or twice, but she got her comeuppance. She tried to walk through life like her friends, to do as they do, but it never produced the same feelings.

Scott was no better at it. He tried, God, he tried, but their small town was just as ass backwards as the rest of them. Not that everyone who went to their school was so much of an asshole to hate him, but some of the things she’d heard said to her brother… She couldn’t even think about it.

Breaking from her trance, eyes no longer trailing along the lines in the tiles, she wiped her hands over her face and through her hair, stepping back out of the water. Humming a pop song under her breath, she finished up and stared into the fogged up mirror.

She had fallen back into routine. Or at least she had been trying. Six months and she was still waking up expecting to hear her parents in the kitchen together. Kate put on her mama’s cross every morning. Kate smiled when expected to. Kate ignored the whispers and the pity. It was what everyone expected her to do, it was what she wanted to be doing.  

Leaning forward, she moved her palm over the mirror slowly but paused when the reflection wasn’t her own. Eyes going wide, all she could do was stare. No sound came up her throat as she looked at the man in front of her.

He was older than she was, his unkempt beard and tired eyes gave that away. God, he  _ did _ look so tired, even staring back at her so incredulously, but he was beautiful too. In a way she hadn’t seen before in people who weren’t on screens. It made her cheeks flush with surprise and shock. The towel was thankfully folded tightly against her body, hair fallen over her shoulders. He eyed her features as she did his, tracing his broad shoulders and the tattoo that moved up his arm like a snake. It looked like flames. He began to mouth words and she narrowed her eyes.

_ What the…. _

When a dainty hand came reaching out to poke the glass like he was a sea creature, he jumped back and dropped the towel around his waist.

And that’s when Kate screamed.

Looking to the door, and then back to the mirror, the man was gone. The fact she had seen anyone at all should have scared her more, and yet she didn’t feel frightened. Maybe a little shaken from the abrupt interruption to their little staring contest, but she wasn’t scared.

A knock on the bathroom interrupted her thoughts.

“Katie-Cakes, you alright in there? You hurt yourself? Her father’s voice made her deflate.

“Yeah, daddy… I just….” Scrambling for an explanation, she jumped to the first thing that came into her head. “Saw a bug, that’s all. I took care of it.”

“You sure?” He sounded hesitant, and she wasn’t sure why. She had no plans to question it, instead she took a deep breath, shaking her head and pushing her wet hair away from her face.

“I’m sure, daddy.” Kate reassured him finally, and waited to hear his retreating footsteps before she looked back into the mirror.

Surely enough, there was the same girl she always saw. Her expression was marred with confusion and concern, but it was still her. Pursing her lips, she took another breath before she got on with it and finished up her night routine.

Stepping into her bedroom, she gave her phone a look before she decided to part with it for the night and wore a faint smile as she realised she had received a text from Kyle. Truthfully, at some point she figured the bible verses would get old, but she had appreciated the sentiment. It was comforting, to have someone who not only cared, but who shared her faith. Replying with a goodnight text, she got dressed and for a little while, she completely forgot about the man who’d been inside the mirror.

It didn’t come back into her mind again until she lay there, trying to sleep and his image began to dance around in her brain. His eyes smoothing over her cheeks, following the line of her hair clinging to her shoulders. It dipped lower than it should have, and that almost made Kate blush all over again there in bed.

She was so sure he must not have been real, but what did that mean? Did that mean she was hallucinating now? And hallucinating men she had never seen before, no less. Attractive, dangerous looking men. She wasn’t sure she liked the idea.

Although, at least that was more interesting than fading away. 


	2. a gun in her face

“Look, I’m just saying, imagining hot guys with big dicks in your mirror is probably a sign of sexual repression.”

Kate almost spat out the food in her mouth with shock. Looking at the tables around them, she tried to make sure no one had heard what had just been said to her.

Some of her friends had such vulgar mouths, and yet Kate loved them dearly. Even if she felt out of place with them, a case of pity mingled with friendship and pressure from their parents to stay by her side. At least they half-listened, had half the pity, and cared the slightest amount. It wasn’t like she could talk to Scott, or heaven forbid her father, about this. It was just too weird, and just the right kind of topic to take up their lunch break.

“Oh my–…. _Lou_ , people can hear you!” She cried, flicking a pea in her direction. The only other person listening in, a pretty blonde named Caroline, snickered in response to the whole interaction.

They were hardly a trio for the ages. They’d given up on sleepovers when Kate announced she couldn’t cover for them every time they snuck out. Their little lunch table was a group strung together so well until you noticed the girl staring into the distance, constantly distant during group discussions. Kyle and Louise did their best to make sure she was included, but there was only so much they could do. Kate wasn’t exactly trying her hardest to be voted Miss Popularity.

She’d been hesitant to say anything at first, but if anyone would want to hear about the man inside her mirror, it’d be them. Careful not to relay details, she kept quiet the fact that she was so sure he was real that it was alarming. Since that night, he hadn’t appeared to her again, but she kept expecting him to pop up.

“What? You think I’m afraid of some oppressive ass high school? If I wanna say big dicks I’ll say big dicks, thank you very much.” Louise announced with a careless smirk. The southern twang in her voice couldn’t have been more prominent. People sometimes thought she was putting it on.

_Jesus Christ, she’s got a mouth on her_.

Kate froze and dropped the fork in her hand. The thought in her head… it wasn’t hers.

“Please stop.”

She spoke just to cover up the clear reaction she’d had to the deep voice in her mind. It was unrecognisable.

Whose voice was that? She was white as a sheet, but no one seemed to notice as she ducked her head and let her hair fall in her face.

The plea managed to get Louise to quit her antics for the moment, pushing around the food on her plate for a moment before she spoke up again. “It’s probably nothin’ you know. Like, you probably got some issues from… Well… _you know_.”

Kate was hardly an expert in psychology, but that seemed a little far-fetched to her. To think she could attribute something she swore she had seen to her grief-wracked brain. And then again, she’d imagined a million times her mama’s voice – her mama coming to her before bed, a soothing hand running through her dark hair. It hadn’t been quite as eerie as the man’s reflection in her mirror, but it was something.

She gnawed on the inside of her cheek, considering it and looking distraught.

“You’re right. It’s probably nothing.” She agreed, wearing a small, polite smile.

For the rest of her lunch period, she didn’t say a word, and no one seemed to really notice.

-

Having woken up to her father and brother leaving early that Saturday morning, Kate had resigned herself to the emptiness of the house. She’d caught them in the hallway, moving towards the stairs and crossed her arms, frowning.

“We’re heading out.” Her father had announced.

“I can see that.” With her pursed lips, she’d earned narrowed eyes from her bother.

“Relax Kate, enjoy having the house to yourself for once.” He’d told her, pausing at the top of the stairs after their father had already started making his way down.

“Where are you guys even going?” Prolonging the conversation seemed pointless, but she was trying to emulate some sense of normalcy, even now.

Scott practically groaned at the continued question, clearly itching to move down the stairs two at a time. “Dad’s got shit to do, and I’m going to Ryan’s.”

“Ryan with a lisp Ryan?” She clarified.

“Yeah. Can I go?”

“Was I stopping you?” She moved her head and raised her eyebrows at him. Giving a quick smile, he left quickly and she turned around, heading back to her room.

While there was still her mother’s car available to use in the garage, she had felt as if that meant she was staying home, at least for the moment. Pouring an egg into the frying pan, sunlight poured through the yellow curtains and she sighed at the silence. It was a cold morning, and she’d wrapped a sweater around herself before trudging downstairs to make something. She didn’t mind cooking for herself, but since she was always focused on anything but the task at hand, she wondered if she should have insisted on going with them.

The possibility of her feeling obligation to take the place of mother was something she’d heard mumbled to her father once, early on. She remembered his hand against her shoulder as someone spoke into his ear, practically stage whispering their concerns. Her daddy’s hand had dug into her shoulder and she’d placed her hand over his, gentle and calming, and alleviated the pressure of his angered grip.

People loved to act as if they were walking on egg shells around her and yet they were never careful enough to keep the stuff that would hurt her from her ears.

Flipping the egg over, the sizzle snapped her back to the empty, quiet kitchen. She needed a plate.

Ducking down to open the cupboards, it only took her a moment to grab one, standing back up to place it on the counter, but she was no longer in her kitchen. Kate hadn’t noticed the change until she was staring at a scene unfolding before her.

She wasn’t behind a counter, she was behind a desk.

There was a gun in her face. 

Instinctively, tears welled up in her eyes as she looked from the gun to the man holding it. Tired eyes. Hand tightening around the gun. Clenching his jaw. It was a pretty pristine suit for a criminal. In fact, Kate didn’t quite understand why he was wearing a suit in the first place. Or why she thought he was a criminal. Maybe he was with law enforcement.

“Who the fuck are you?” His voice was deep, clearly as thrown off by her appearance as she was.

Opening her mouth to answer, she was interrupted by the man beside her, whom she hadn’t noticed until that moment. 

“I swear, I’m just a middle man. I just watch the money.” He had his arms up, and the gun toting man from her hallucination turned his attention – and his gun – back to the blubbering mess beside her.

“I said be quiet.”

Definitely not with law enforcement.

His voice was clear and cold and it sent a shiver up her spine. She was rooted to the spot, and he kept looking over at her, it was the only break in his performance. Finally, Kate began to take in the room, the large safe in the corner and the suit-clad man kneeling in front of it. This was some sort of robbery, she thought. She was watching some sort of robbery, and yet she couldn’t do much but watch. Her phone was in her bedroom, and who knew how far away that was now. Even her mouth refused to open and formulate the words to figure it out.

“Could ‘ya hurry up, Richard?” He called out, presumably to the third man she’d just noticed.

Every time he shot a look her way, the man beside her tried to follow his line of sight, clearly looking for some advantage. She didn’t think he’d find one. Kate was hardly an expert at this stuff, but she could see they knew what they were doing. It took some semblance of intelligence to get to this point, right?

“Perfection takes time.” Said the kneeling man.

He was clenching his jaw again, frustrated. Kate wondered how much was in the safe, caught herself wondering and felt flooded with confusion.  

“And you know how much we have, so just do it as fast as possible.” The man in front of her responded.

This time, when he looked at her, the man beside her tried to reach for the gun. The one holding it responded fast, knocking him in the face with it and holding the gun with more annoyance in his expression than before. The threat was now partnered with intent in the way he held his finger over the trigger.

“Please don’t.” Mystery man didn’t look, but he hesitated, and she took it as a sign. “Please… Please don’t kill him.”

“You know what? It’s your lucky day, I’ll consider not shooting you in the face if you get on the fucking ground, right now.”

There was a beep. Kate closed her eyes, her tense shoulders falling back, she could hear the man beside her moving, and again she could again feel eyes on her.

Suddenly smoke was in front of her, and she choked on the burning smell, bringing her hand to her mouth.

The safe opened. The relief was so intense it radiated over her. Her hand gripped the kitchen counter as she tried to move away from the smell. All of it was so overwhelming, and she drowned in the smoke and emotion.

When she opened her eyes, she was back in her kitchen again.  The eggs had blackened the pan. In her coughing fit she turned off the stove and moved to fix the mistake she had made.

Once everything was in the sink, and the windows had been opened as well as the back door, airing the room out, she took the time to rethink what had happened. If it was another hallucination, this one was more vivid than the last. Kate could still see his face, and she could see the gun. She could hear his voice in her head, and it was as haunting as it was intriguing. The part of her that thought it might be real didn’t know what to do with it. Was God giving her visions? Surely that wasn’t something that would happen to her of all people. It should frighten her, to be having visions of a criminal committing bad deeds. And yet, the only thing that scared her was the fact that she wasn’t scared.

-

On Monday, she and her friends had gotten back to the same conversation, dancing around Kate’s sanity like it was some game. It wasn’t like she’d had any more visions – hallucinations, whatever they were. Since Saturday, she’d prayed several times to ask God for guidance. There had been nothing and she had counted her blessings. She had even been relatively cheerful, especially when her family managed their first Sunday dinner in two months. It didn’t last long, but it hadn’t ended in a fight, and that was good enough. Even so, she’d decided to update her friends on the situation, and they saw it more gravely than she had, ruining her good attitude.

Caroline seemed to catch her listlessness, because she spoke up. “You could always talk to the guidance councillor again.”

Even the mere thought made Kate sink deeper into her seat. She’d gone to all the sessions the school had expected of her. She had spoken about her mother and let tears spring from her eyes at least once. She wasn’t the type of girl who found it so hard to open up to people, but she’d felt the expectation pouring from him, a member of the church her father had stood in front of every Sunday.

 “I’d really rather not.” Her words were careful and her voice quieter than it had been.

“Kate…” Louise said her name and it was if she snapped.

“ _What_?” She replied through gritted teeth.

“You know we just wanna help.” 

Kate didn’t even know who said it, but it made her shift back, looking between them with annoyance.

Always, that cross held her steady. It kept her mouth quiet when she wanted to say the more distasteful thoughts in her mind. Of course Kate got into arguments with her friends, but never needlessly, never when it wasn’t just her sticking to her guns when they tried to coax her out of her bubble.

“I _don’t_ need your advice, or your pity.” Her words were harsh, abrasive for the way she had been speaking only moments earlier. “It’s been six months. I think we can all get the fuck over it.”

Kate finished by standing up and grabbing her things, staging a storm off people would see as uncharacteristic. Her legs moved her away from the table quickly and her unsteady hand held her bag over one shoulder. The other rested against her mouth. The frustration had left her as quickly as it had come but the shock didn’t dissipate. She had _really_ just said that.

Curse words were always safely locked inside her mind. Anger directed at her friends – real, raw anger forged by dislike wasn’t something she’d experienced, and yet she’d _meant_ what she said. How could she have meant it and not think it a part of her at the same time? 

Pausing in the hallway with a heavy breath that she hadn’t noticed was caught in her throat, she closed her eyes. It took time to steady her breathing, but her emotions were still crashing waves, changing and overlapping each other. After a few moments considering her options, she began to charge towards the doors of the building, out to the parking lot.

Before she could let her conscience convince her to go back, she got into the car and started the engine, staring ahead. Her bag was haphazardly thrown into the backseat and her phone was pushed into the cup holder. She considered turning it off entirely, but for her brother, she didn’t. Since her daddy had stopped working, she’d taken sole responsibility of getting both herself and Scott to school and she might have to come back later to pick him up, but she couldn’t be there any longer. She had to go. 

On the road, she felt a little better, as well as a little confused where the flurry of emotion had come from in the first place. Driving towards home on accident, she took a wrong turn on purpose and threw herself off course, beginning a slow drive through the suburbia.

Her hands gripped the steering wheel tightly, her lilac nail polish chipped and ugly after a week of wear. It was so cliché, feeling as if no one understood her and yet that was the only way to describe it. No one else had to wake up to find their mother was dead. No one else had to have people suspect their father was the one who did it.

That was always the worst part, the fact that people really thought her daddy was capable of that.

And then there was that voice again.

“You watching where you’re going, kid?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly i have to plan for this thing but i'm enjoying it so far. hopefully you're enjoying it too!


	3. toast

Kate didn’t mean to turn the steering wheel so hard, running into the back of a parked car and slamming the breaks. It didn’t hit as hard as it could of, in fact she wasn’t even sure she’d caused any damage at first. Thrown forward, she had yelped loudly, but the car moved back and began to speed off, and then she was watching from the passenger seat, staring with her mouth wide open.

It really was him.

“How the hell did you get in my car?” She was yelling but he stared ahead, gripping the steering wheel with more confidence than she’d ever had driving. Turning around in her seat, she looked through the back window, but she couldn’t clearly see what she’d done.

The man glanced at her, shaking his head. She turned back around. “I could ask the same thing.”

“H-How did I get in the passenger seat?” Sitting up straighter, she didn’t know why she wasn’t more scared. Her hand reached for the seatbelt, but she didn’t pull it on yet. She didn’t know why she wasn’t screaming her head off or trying to get him to leave. Maybe just because he was driving the car and she didn’t want them to crash.

“How the fuck do you hit a parked car?” He sounded annoyed.

Long gone was that car now and she wasn’t quite sure where they were, a side street she knew but couldn’t pin point down to a name. Everything looked the same until you broke out of the streets lined with houses, until you reached the backstreets and the farms. Pulling on her seatbelt, she tried to calm the concern in her face, smoothing the crease between her eyebrows. Her jaw went slack. She shook her head and shut her eyes, trying to shake it off before she spoke again. 

“You scared me.”

The embarrassment in her voice made her wince. She sounded like a little girl apologising. He’d been the one to show up in her car and scare her so badly she hit something.

“Yeah, no shit.”

They were heading towards the edge of town now, towards a highway and she swallowed thickly. She’d tell him to turn around, but again, there was no reason to. The obvious things she should be saying or doing don’t make sense to do anymore. Why tell him to back when she didn't want to? Besides, if he was some figment of her imagination, she should be able to will him to stop doing something, if she really needed to.

Silence fell over the car and she took the time to pull her seatbelt on, still shaky from the whole encounter. All she could do was look at him or the road, and he won out more often than not. It was different, having him in person and close to her. In a wife-beater and slacks, the tattoo that moved up his arm towards his neck was bare in all its glory. She’s almost forgotten it. The flames. Was that what they were? Licking up his skin, guiding her to the scruff of his chin and the tired eyes framed with far too pretty lashes. Of all the people to imagine, why him?

Considering the question took too much of her energy, and instead she spoke before she could stop herself.

“You’re not real, are you?” It was phrased like a question, but the way she spoke made it sound more like a statement. Her clammy hands held on to the edge of her seat as they turned another corner. “Oh, _God_ , I really am losing it.”

“Hey, slow the fuck down there, princess. I’m as god damn real as anyone else is. Are _you_ real?” He sounded offended and his tone turned accusatory. 

She avoided looking at him, instead eyeing the dashboard. Again, heat flushed into her cheeks.

“Well you’re in _my_ car aren’t you?”

“Good point.” Again the quiet overcame them as he drove along a road free from other people. He’d slowed them down enough now that she could guess where they were, if anyone were to ask her. She wished he would stop the car. Her phone began to buzz abruptly, making her jump. He was steady as a rock. “You gonna get that?”

Pushing it back to it hit the other side of the cup holder and revealed the screen to her, she felt strangely guilty seeing Kyle’s name. Pressing the lock button, she swallowed and stared at the road stretching out before them.

She shook her head. “It’s… it’s just my friend.”

Expressionless – or maybe she just couldn’t read him – he looked at her for the second time since he’d materialised inside her car. “And?”

“ _And_ I don’t wanna talk to him…. Can we stop?” It was beginning to get overwhelming, she rolled down the window.

The tires moved through the dirt roughly and came to a stop on the side of the road. There seemed to be no one around for miles, and although it should, it didn’t make Kate nervous. It seemed that was the way things worked, for the moment. Nothing made sense, and yet she felt no sense of danger around the man who’d held a gun in her face just days earlier.

Neither of them spoke first, instead he held his hands against the wheel and stared forward, while she moved closer to the window and closed her eyes. _In and out_. Repeat. Repeat again.

“None of this makes any sense.” The mumblings were so low that he wouldn’t have heard her, especially with half her head hanging out of the car.

“Seth?” It was like an echo, drawn out and breaking through her reality.

It wasn’t his voice, and it certainly wasn’t hers.

“Seth!” It grew louder and she turned to him, concerned. He met her eyes before whipping his head around to look for it.

“Who…” There wasn’t time to finish the sentence, or blink, or breathe. Kate found herself thrown back into the driver’s seat, her hands replacing his. It should feel natural to be there again, and yet it made her scramble back, pressing herself into the seat. She could still smell him.

“What the…” _(-Fuck do you want?)_

Starting the car back up, she drove aimlessly till it came time to pick her brother up. Kyle called her later that night, and she relayed a fake explanation that he ate up so easily. He spread the news to everyone else. _Kate's fine, she just had a rough day. She just needed to get out of there. Don't worry about her._ He texted her a Bible verse before bed and she still smiled.

-

Kate had promised herself that she wasn’t going to look it up, or brood, or do anything even remotely close to Bella Swan-like. Partially for her sanity and partially because she knew there wouldn’t be an explanation for this. It was miracle or it was curse and she was sure she’d come to know which eventually.

She knew his name was Seth. She knew he probably did questionable things. She knew there was a big possibility he was a real person. That would have to be enough for the moment.

Time passed as it always did, and she knew she had to focus on her actual life until he next showed up. It would be easier if his thoughts didn’t pop into her head. If she didn’t occasionally hear conversation happening elsewhere. It happened most often when she was alone. In bed late at night on her phone listening to something about a job, although it was barely audible above what she assumed was club music. Some aimless discussion about the best type of pasta.

One night, the sound of gunshots threw her forward in bed. She’d scrambled up and moved to her door, only to realise it wasn’t a part of her reality.  

There were other things to focus on. Edging closer and closer to the end of her school year, she knew there were other things to care about. And then there was her brother, who she hadn’t had a proper conversation with in what felt like weeks. He went out more than she ever did and spent the majority of his time at home locking himself in his room. Her dreams for more family dinners were dashed as quickly as they had formed. And her father? She didn’t even know what he was doing. It sure as hell wasn’t stepping a foot into church.

Kate had tried talking to him about it, but he was never in the mood.

“I don’t even know where you are half the time.” She’d followed him to the front door. If Scott was there, he’d be mocking her for nagging. “I thought you said you were gonna ask around about a more permanent job than just doing favours for people.”

“Katie…” None of it made sense to her. He was the person she saw as most steadfast in his religion. He was the reason she believed so strongly, why she saw the good in the world even when it got so dark it was difficult to be so resilient. Kate needed him to guide her, especially now. Six months of sleeping, sitting in front of the TV, going out without so much of an explanation.

That didn’t even include the nights she heard the door crash open and heavy footsteps. Or when she found him asleep on the couch in the morning and couldn’t find it in herself to try to wake him.

“It’s been six months, daddy. If you’re not gonna go back, what are you gonna do?” It was a demand. She needed to know. She needed him to give an answer to make everything okay.

“I’ll be back later tonight.”

The door shut and she’d pushed down the emotions and tears until they no longer threatened to spill over.  There was only the thankful thought that no one else who had access to her life and thoughts had seen it. Or maybe, even if he had, he hadn’t said anything.

-

Even when she wasn’t seeing Seth, her life felt erratic, and time went by so quickly by the time he showed up again, it didn’t feel like all that long. Maybe it had been a few weeks, and she only had a couple of weeks until graduation, and summer. Feeling closer and closer to something like the bridge towards adulthood, she wasn’t sure the notion made sense to her. The last six months had accelerated her maturity, in a way. She figured losing your mother could do that to a person. 

Every time he appeared, it was a shock, but this time it seemed like he'd been there before she even made it to her room. 

He’d just been sitting there, hunched over on her bed as she walked in. It made her shut the door hard as she jumped back against it in shock.

She was lucky her daddy was asleep.

“You feel like giving a girl some warning?” She said, hand over her chest.

“Well shit, I _never_ thought of that. Next time I’m about to randomly materialise in your room like I’m fucking Casper or some shit – something which I can’t control, mind you – I’ll be sure to give you a heads up.” Kate looked away, walking over to her desk to sit down.

She figured there was no reason to keep being so alarmed by each other, or trying to figure out at least for now.

“So you’re Seth?” She asked, tipping her head to the side as she tried to catch his eyeline.

“I’m not really in the mood for the whole introduction thing.” He sighed.

“It’s two words. Here, I’ll demonstrate: I’m Kate.” She held out her hand.

The hesitation made her tip her head forward, questioning if he really was going to be that standoffish.

It didn’t take much time for him to give in, bringing his hand up to hers. “Yeah, I'm Seth.”

It was clear there was some assumption that when their hands met maybe there would be sparks, or something, but it was just two hands. He had a stronger grip than her and a larger hand, but she made it up in determination. Lingering there with their hands together, Kate smiled and he looked like he wanted to. Eventually, she pulled away and he shifted back to sit up straighter.  

“Where were you before you were here?” Trying to make small talk felt the most natural move.

He winced. “Do we really have to do this?”

“Do what?”

“Get to know each other.” 

Kate nudged his foot with hers and he hunched back over, leaning on his knees.

“What else do you wanna do, sit here?” She frowned.

For a moment, his silence seemed to be an answer, and then he was taking a breath and looking at her again.

“So you’re still in high school?”

She nodded. “Finishing up my senior year.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“What?” With furrowed brows, she tried to figure out exactly what he meant by that.

“Nothing. You think I can eat while I’m here? I don’t know how this shit works but I’m fucking hungry.” He asked, wiping his hands against his pants before standing up.

“It’s like ten o’clock, don’t you eat dinner?” She stood, following him towards the door and leaning over so she could see if he managed to open the door and not fall through it.

He did.

“Nope.” Came his reply as he moved towards the stairs and she followed hesitantly.

“Well that was stupid.”

“Not everyone lives on a perfect schedule in suburbia.”

“Yeah, but most people manage to feed themselves.”

He ignored her and stepped into the empty kitchen, flipping on the wrong light switch. She stood behind him and turned on the right one. He continued into her kitchen. Whatever she’d made herself for dinner was long finished now, and she was already preparing herself to say something in retaliation if he dared ask her to make him something, but instead he began to search through cupboards.

“Not that one.” She rolled her eyes and pointed to one on the other side of the room but he noticed a loaf of bread on the counter and picked that up instead.

She took a seat at the counter, her legs dangling off the stool as she watched him make himself at home.

“Do you have a last name?” The question made him look up as he put two slices into the toaster.

He considered it and then replied. “Does it matter?”

“I figured I could look you up on Facebook or something.” Leaning on her palms now, she suddenly realised the strange normalcy of their interactions all of a sudden. Should she still be yelling at him?

“Don’t have Facebook.”

_Weird_. She made a face. “How old _are_ you?”

“Old enough.” He opened the fridge and returned with a jar of raspberry jam she wasn’t aware they still had.

“This would be easier if you did have it. Then I could just find out things on there and you wouldn’t have to do the whole twenty questions thing.”

“Sweetheart, I don’t even own a phone capable of getting on the internet, let alone a fuckin’ laptop to make an account on some fake ass pretend your life is better than it is bullshit website.” He waved his hand around as he spoke, accentuating just how stupid he thought it was.

Kate tried not to let her expression visibly change to one of embarrassment when he called her _sweetheart_. She figured it was just him being an asshole, but it’s not every day someone who looked like him threw a pet name like that her way.

“I’ll be sure to put that in my notes: has strong feelings about social media.” She teased, recomposing herself fairly quickly.

The toast popped.

She didn’t say anything as he spread the raspberry over the bread, watching him quietly. She couldn't really help it, if she was honest. 

“That’s creepy, you know.” Seth said, bringing a piece to his mouth as he met her eyes again. She peered away.

“Shut up.”

“I’m just saying.” He continued, covering his mouth with his hand while he ate.

It was interesting how quickly they’d progressed to teasing each other. Some sort of back and forth she didn’t often have with people, because she never bothered to try. She wasn’t trying to be polite because he couldn’t give less of a shit if she was.

Shifting so she was only leaning on one hand, she stared down at the counter, drawing her hand over the patterns in the marble so she wasn’t staring at him.

“You never said where you were.” Kate spoke up again with a softer tone, displaying vulnerability while lost in her own thoughts about the whole situation.

Maybe if she knew, she would be a step closer to figuring it all out.

“Seth?” She looked up, but he was gone.

All that was left were crumbs and a second piece of toast. Kate sunk back into herself.


	4. life went on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really wanted to get through this as soon as possible because of what i had in mind for the next chapter, so i got a little excited. please blame savanah if any of it seems incorrect timeline wise. i really appreciate any/all feedback i've gotten, you're all so lovely.

The air of causality that had been taken on in their interactions allowed for some semblance of friendship between the two. They tried to keep conversations going every time one showed up in the other’s life, if they could manage it. It happened most often when they were alone, and Kate wondered if maybe that was because it was what they both needed. At the same time, there was now a distinct lack of time completely to herself. She’d get a day or two before they were back in each other’s heads. There were still surprises, and it wasn’t like they were suddenly used to their new routine, but it was a distinct change from their beginnings.

As much as it fluctuated, there seemed to be a steady rhythm she just couldn’t pick up yet. She was always anticipating his arrival too early or zoning out and missing the cue that she’d turned up somewhere else.

Their lives were very different, that much was evident early on. Kate was living through her last weeks of high school, preparing for finals and graduation and Seth seemed to be moving from motel to motel. She assumed he was moving towards a destination. Or maybe he was on the run. It seemed easier to wonder than to get a concrete answer out of him. What reason did he have to share with her, anyway? She already got to be in his head. He’d already been gracious enough not to completely ignore her.

Maybe one could say they’d even been bonding, when they spoke through the time they got together.

Of course, they were sharing with each other only surface level facts, going back and forth on meaningless topics, with opinions forged by drastically different lifestyles and a slight generation gap. She’d take a stab that he was maybe twenty-eight. He seemed older sometimes, but she attributed that to how haggard he looked in the night. They knew vaguely the deeper parts of each other from snippets of private moments they didn’t intend to interrupt, but those things could never come up organically. Kate’s mouth wouldn’t spit out the most difficult questions and Seth, as much as he didn’t seem to care for tact, treaded carefully around her mother’s memory. 

As for the actual facts she’d managed to obtain: she knew that he was from Kansas, the guy he was always with was his brother, the tattoo along his arm indeed was flames _and_ he wasn’t good at expressing himself.

Kansas was a slip up. The brother thing? That was hard to hide from anyone. While they mostly showed up to each other alone, she’d heard plenty of conversations. She’d seen him once, his face, although it was strange to have him look right through her. He wore glasses and stood taller than Seth. She knew his name was Richie, but it felt wrong to bring him up like she’d been introduced. All she knew about him was that he was one of the most off putting people she’d never met, and yet… funny. And Seth loved him so dearly that it made her heart surge. The type of love built on loyalty, the real stuff. Bone deep, to the end of the line stuff.

The flames had been the hardest thing to get him to confirm. It took three separate occasions, the third of which was barely a confirmation at all. Just enough to consider it fact, though she still had her reservations.

“So… The tattoo?” Kate had brought it up during a lull after their conversation about sitcoms they liked. Everything he liked was older, most of it stuff she hadn’t watched before, something about a bar or one about an alien.

The wall he had around him seemed to double down. He looked elsewhere. “It’s a tattoo, what do you want?”

“Does it represent something?” She prompted.

“I’m not a sorority girl, Kate.”

Turning away from her completely to look at the bible resting next to the phone, he flicked the lamp on and off. It was dusk, and they’d been sitting in darkness for what felt like hours, so the light just made her wince until he decided they didn’t need it.

“Are they flames?” She rubbed at her eyes.

“Is that what you think they are?” Seth looked at her, almost intently, but it could have been mocking too.

“Yeah.”

“Then I guess they are.” Away, again.

“You’re impossible.” Crossing her arms over her chest, he smiled at that and then in a rare occurrence, she was the one fighting it off.

He fell back against the bed, sighing. Outside, a car pulled up and Kate could remember the sound distinctly. It made her feel like reality flickered, and she could already smell her bedroom again, her perfume and the fresh air from her open window. “It’s all part of the charm.”

Her head tipped to the side. “I have more charm in my left pinkie.”

The words just barely made it to him before she shifted back and there’d been something like a chuckle in response, but it was too low and subtle to be sure. They hadn’t even gotten the chance for him to really be able to change the subject, but it didn’t matter. She hadn’t brought it up since.

She assumed he didn’t want to tell her because it was tied up with something he didn’t want to talk to a stranger about. And they _were_ still strangers to each other, even with the bonding, even being in each other’s heads. He was a nightmare to figure out because he didn’t want to be figured out, and Kate had her own life to focus on.

-

The fact she wanted to know him so badly probably said a lot about where her head had been at, too. She’d justified with herself that basically falling off the grid friend wise would likely go unnoticed – it didn’t. While the concern her friends had expressed was good to feel in the moment, she couldn’t bring herself to open up to them. Their pity would only embarrass her, or they’d do one worse and insist she needed help. This wasn’t exactly the type of predicament you could send into the paper’s Agony Aunt – all in all, it seemed a bad idea to involve anyone else.

It was oh so easy to attribute all of it to focusing on study, and in all honesty she had been doing a lot, to the point of ignoring Seth for ten minutes while she wrote things out. He’d stood above her while she crouched over her desk and picked up a random of paper, notes on a novel she was studying.

“None of this shit makes any sense to me.”

“I’m _shocked_.” As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she scolded herself. Maybe they had a good back and forth, but she wasn’t about to pick on his intelligence every chance she got, especially not when it garnered a put-off reaction from him. Turning in her seat, she winced. “Sorry. Yeah. It’s hard, I’m taking more AP classes than I wish I did. ”

“Explains why you’re such a smartass.” It was dismissed too quickly for her to give other reasoning, so she turned back. It was for the best, she shouldn’t make excuses.

He pulled up the only other chair in her room, which sat below the one she was in. Continuing to look at her notes, now more intently as she furiously highlighted a piece of text, it broke her focus easily. Far too close for comfort, she tried to shift away from him as naturally as possible.

“Richie probably knows all this shit.” His words extended out as an invitation and Kate took it as quickly as she could.

“Your brother?” She clarified, turning to him while he looked at the book.

“Yeah.” A quick nod.

“So he’s smart.”

“Fuckin’ genius and won’t let anyone think otherwise.” It made sense, the first time she’d seen the person arguably attached to Seth’s side had been when he was cracking open a safe. Which, in fact was another topic they never quite covered.

“You have the cockiness in common, then.” She wore a gentle smile and he met it hesitantly before looking back at her book.

“Explain this to me, I’ve read it twice and I got nothing.” It was one section of a whole book on a whole topic, Kate groaned at the very idea of having to explain it to anyone, let alone him.

She’d kept him on topic for at least a moment. Enough to get confirmation on another thing, a name. His brother. _Richie_.

There wasn’t point in bringing it back up, so she continued on.

“You know you really shouldn’t be distracting me. I’m a dedicated student.” The smile was now a full blown teasing grin.

“Is that right?”

“Mm hm.” Leaning a little closer, Kate didn’t quite register that she was doing it until he mimicked it in response.

“Then you have nothing to worry about.” He thumped his hand against the book again, making her turn her head. “Come on, we don’t have all night.”

Kate found that explaining content to Seth actually didn’t hurt her studying process all that much. Maybe it was even fun to see him look quizzical. She hadn’t been sure he was capable of it, but she supposed that was just the limitations of her knowledge when it came to the ever elusive Seth inside her head.

-

The seven month anniversary of her mother’s death came right before graduation. Kate didn’t crumble like she had found herself doing in the early months, but she did spend a decent amount of her Sunday alone in her bedroom. The door was locked, but her father only checked in once and left her be. Scott had eaten breakfast beside her, in silence, and the act seemed one of kindness, or at least that was how she was going to take it.

Kyle texted her seven times. Kate ignored it seven times.

She heard Seth’s voice in her head.

_Sorry, kid._

There was a surge of pity so strong it must have had something underneath it, but it was hard to search. She gave up quickly and cried a few silent tears. It was nice, to feel comfort from someone. Maybe he wasn’t perfect, maybe even she’d been ignoring the nagging feeling that he wasn’t good at all. To her, it had to count for something that he could pity her, that he could care for her feelings at all. She had faith in people, despite all that had happened.

Life went on.

-

Eventually, it came time for her pseudo boyfriend to tackle the issue of her head being – literally and metaphorically – elsewhere. Kate had been dreading the conversation, trying to ward off his worries when even the slightest bit of concern formed in his voice. He was sweet, and loyal but none of that seemed to appeal to her any longer. She wondered if it ever did, in the ways that mattered.

He really had perfect timing. Finals looming within the coming days, the back of her neck slick with sweat as she stood in the hallway. People passed them by, mostly greeting Kyle although a few people threw smiles her way. They were hesitant, if anything.

“Katie, you don’t even text me back anymore.”

Staring at a picture on the inside of his locker, it took her a moment to register the accusation. “What? Yes I do. I do it when I can.”

“Hey, you don’t have to get all defensive.” His hands hovered over her shoulders and she got the urge to fight them off.

“I’m not being defensive. There’s finals…. And you _know_ what else, so I don’t have to tell you.” Maybe she was making him feel guilty on purpose and maybe she didn’t quite care if that was a manipulative thing to do. She didn’t want to be having the conversation in the first place.

He shut the locker door and she met his eyes with all of the heavy emotion in her own. She could see that he cared so God damn much for her, and in response all she could give was apathy. “I’m just worried about you. You know we all are.”

 “I told you I’ve been studying. A lot.” It was getting pathetic now, how he nodded eagerly and she smiled in response.  

“Maybe we should like…” It took him a moment to get the words out, and Kate practically craned her head forward in anticipation. “Take a break. And we can figure it out after finals and grad and stuff.”

“Oh.” She looked down at her shoes.

“It’s not a break up.”

Kate snapped her head back up. “It’s okay. I think it’s a good idea. For both of us.”

Turning around, she walked away so fast maybe he thought it was to cry, but she didn’t feel anything close to sadness. She wasn’t quite sure what she felt. When Scott finally ambled his way over to the car, he’d already heard about it, but he had no questions, only a vague opinion:

“Good, Kyle’s boring as shit.”

They drove home blasting a Sheryl Crow song her mama used to love and Scott didn’t pretend he was too cool to hum along with it while Kate belted out the lyrics. She was still in the middle of good and bad, toeing a line she was hesitant about crossing. Sometimes it felt like she had been living her life for the last seven months sleep walking. Doing what she was told, doing what was expected of her. The more she lived this life changed by the discovery that nothing was completely explicable, the more she wasn’t sure that was what she should be doing.

-

Kate didn’t tell anyone, but Seth saw it. She knew he did, because of the surge of worry, of suspicion and doubt that didn’t belong in her brain.

Cleaning up her father’s room so it no longer smelled of booze, she’d banged into the bed enough to move it to the side. A pill appeared on the carpet, no longer covered by the sheets that hung low on her father’s bed. Leaning down to pick it up, she lifted the white sheets to look under the bed. There was another one. Identical to the first, a strange blue. She closed her palm and held them tight as she dropped the vacuum cleaner and marched over to the bathroom on the other side of the room.

Throwing open the medicine cabinet, it didn’t take her long to find the orange container, her t-shirt riding up as she reached for it on the top shelf. Her mother’s name was there along the label.

Tipping the tube to the side, she watched as the small amount left inside slipped. Opening it, she slipped two out, and seeing they matched the two she’d found, she pushed all of them back inside and put the lid on.

It wasn’t anything, really. Maybe. She put them into her pocket and finished up her cleaning.

Later, when her father asked her if she’d touched anything in the bathroom, she’d shaken her head. He didn’t prompt her further, and that only made Seth more suspicious. She wished he could physically push him out of her head for it.


	5. gradual / graduation

Finals seemed to be coming and going within the blink of an eye. She would be done so soon. That was it. The end of high school. Maybe she should feel more elated. Or maybe she should be sadder, but she was indifferent on it all. She’d still be in Bethel all summer, it wasn’t like she had anyone to miss just yet.

The last night she had opportunity to study, she found herself up late. It was a bad habit, but she’d picked it up on accident and couldn’t quite seem to shake it. She would much rather be asleep, but instead she sat with her notes resting against her knees. Reading over again and again, they were burnt into her brain by now, but if she tried to lay down, her teeth chattered with nerves. Seth appeared, because of course he would appear so close to midnight, rubbing his eyes as she realised he was in the corner of the room, leaning against the wall.

He walked over slowly, like he was sleepwalking. It distracted her from the notes, to say the least. He was only wearing a dress shirt and his slacks this time. She wondered where his shoes were.

“What side do you sleep on?”

She made a face at the question, giving him proper attention now. He trudged over to the bed, and she shuffled over to the right.

“Wow, it’s like we were made for each other.”

The way he said it, it was just a sarcastic throwaway line as he threw himself into her sheets, his face against her pillow. To her, it was a surprise, and she wondered what he meant by it really. Had he been thinking into this whole pairing up they’d gone through? Had he been considering what it all meant?

Looking at his form beside her, she stared like she did sometimes. He did it to her too. His eyes were half shut, staring off into the distance grumpily. She didn’t know why he was tired, she’d been distinctly missing his presence all day. She’d ask, but she knew he wouldn’t tell her the truth. Dropping the notes from her lap, she shuffled down under her blanket and turned to him.

“I’m scared.” She admitted, after a little while. It could easily be about anything – her finals, finishing school, her dad or a million other options. In fact, she wasn’t even sure which thing prompted her to say it, maybe all of it.

“Nothing to be scared of.” His hand edged closer to hers, and then it was as if he thought better of it, pressing his face harder into the pillow.

They didn’t say anything else. Just the two of them there, laying together, her staring, him eventually closing his eyes. She fell asleep too with her lamp still bright on the bedside table, his tired having overtaken her nerves.

-

Early morning sunlight trickled through the shutters on her window and she’d been getting ready for the last hour or so, taking the time to wrap her hair around a curling iron and put on make-up. Her reflection had stared back at her, mature in a way she’d never seen in herself before. Shaking her head of the thoughts, her curls bounced and she walked to her room to put on the dress she was wearing under her robe.

Watching herself in the mirror as she zipped it up, again she found herself entranced with how different she seemed to look. Maybe she just hadn’t really looked in a while.

She hadn’t seen Seth in her mirror since that first time, so seeing him behind her – of course it startled her, enough to shuffle back into him awkwardly.

He caught her arm. Her back was against him, stiff from the surprise. Relaxing her body, it took a moment for either of them to move, but she didn’t dare comment on his closeness and he didn’t move, at least for that one moment.

“Thanks.” Taking a step forward, she continued to get the zip up on her own, but he swatted her hands out of the way and did it for her. She averted her eyes, staring at the ground. He went one step further, pulling her hair from her shoulder so his hand brushed the back of her neck. She shivered and instantly felt like a cliché. “Thanks, again.”

“Y’know, you kind of look like Katharine Ross when you’re all done up.” The compliment threw her off. Most of them were under the guise of making fun of her, but he seemed to be trying. It alarmed her, and then her heart softened, because he was _trying_.

“Who?” She questioned, eyes sparkling with amusement.

“Well, okay, not that much…. but enough.” He ignored her question. “I’m pretty sure Richard used to jack off to her.”

There’s nothing she can say to that, especially since she doesn’t know who he’s talking about. The image however, has her shooting him daggers. She really didn’t ever need to have that in mind when she saw his brother. Turning away from him, she took a breath and looked for her shoes.  

“You look good.” There’s a seriousness in his voice, and it makes Kate look up from where she had been leaning. Fingers curling around the straps, she stood and let the shoes drop onto her bed, looking at him with narrowed eyes.

“Okay.” She sat down, and put her shoes on. She tried to hide her smile.

Seth sat down across from her, watching her. There seemed to have been some sort of shift, especially since finals. They were more relaxed with each other, or at least Seth was with her.

“That’s creepy, you know.” She said it in a mocking tone, and he caught on quickly, but he didn’t break his stare. “What? I put on some make up and suddenly I’m pretty? Are we living in a nineties flick all of a sudden?”

“Oh, fuck off.” He sat back, although his expression changed. He looked something closer to sombre. “You were beautiful before that.”

Hesitancy punctuated all of Kate’s movements from that moment, letting her shoe clad foot drop to the ground as she looked at him. Her hands shot out to smooth her dress as she tried to figure out how to react. It was more than a backhanded compliment, or a joke. It was real. She’d never have thought he was capable. Maybe she should have thought more of him.

It wasn’t really something to have a conversation about, and she didn’t know what he was thinking about, but she knew what she was thinking about. The question of why, again. Why them? Why this?

“Do you ever think that–“

The question she was about to ask was interrupted by her phone going off loudly on her bed and she dived for it, spending the next five minutes on the phone to Louise while Seth made faces at the lude things the girl seemingly had to say. They’d have to continue their conversation later.

-

_Heartbroken_. That’s what Kate felt. Her heart was ripped in two sitting outside her chest as she watched her daddy stumble over to the two of them. In the distance, she could see his haphazard parking job, and he seemed to be trying to cover it up, but she knew as soon as she didn’t spot him in the crowd that he might not be coming at all.

Scott showed up, and she didn’t know why she’d wondered if he would because even when they weren’t perfect, he was still her brother. He was her brother even if she wasn’t sure about any of his life, even if she was terrified she didn’t know him at all sometimes. At least he’d been there, on his feet when she walked across that stage. He’d approached with a packet of red liquorice when it was over and said it was probably better than a bouquet of flowers, and she had to say she agreed. It didn’t make her anxiety about the distinct absence of her father disappear, but it had helped until she heard her name being called out.

“Katie-Cakes.” Her father tried to pull her into a hug and she pushed him away. The smell of alcohol on him was so strong she almost threw up.

Tears had already filled her eyes and she blinked them away, feeling severely embarrassed. People glanced over, because of course they did. Small towns were breeding grounds for gossip, and her daddy was always the talk of the town nowadays. Preacher turned town drunk? A truly tragic story. The real tragedy was Kate, standing in her cap and gown knowing he hadn’t been able to put in enough effort to show up on time. She looked at the ground and thankfully Scott took over talking to their father, moving him back while she just stared at the grass.

“You missed her graduation, dad. She has a right to be upset.” Not at any point in the last few months did Kate expect Scott to be practically standing up for her. They didn’t get along often, if ever, although maybe in the last month or so he’d noticed how things had changed for her too. How she’d practically given up on togetherness. All of it just made her want to cry even more.

“Well I’m here, aren’t I?” Her dad tried to move forward again but Scott moved him back and Kate took another step away, looking up as she used her knuckles to dab under her eyes.

“How did you even drive here like this?” He asked, focused entirely now on their dad. He’d clearly smelled the same thing on him that she had.

Kate spoke up. “It doesn’t matter. Scott, don’t let him drive home, okay? If you don’t want to I can go find Louise’s parents… There’s a party I was gonna go to.”

Scott nodded. “It’s okay, I’ll do it.”

She wanted to hug him, but she didn’t. Instead she walked off in the direction of her friends, filled to the brim with emotion she couldn’t seem to overcome. She _wasn’t_ going to cry, this was a day she was supposed to be celebrating. The worst part was that she couldn’t hate him, even for this. Kate didn’t have an unkind bone in her body. She’d forgive him for this before long, and she almost hated _herself_ for it. Every step forward was forced, tightening her jaw, balling her hands up into fists.

It didn’t matter that her daddy had gone from the town’s good example to drunk who couldn’t even show up at her graduation on time. It didn’t matter that her whole life felt like it was falling apart and there never felt like there was anything she could do to repair the threads. It didn’t matter that the only person she felt she had any connection with still didn’t feel real. Still a voice in her head, a ghost in her life and she in his, messy and wrong and confusing. None of it mattered. She was going to force that smile and keep walking.

-

Many hours later she found herself dressed up in Louise’s clothes holding a red cup filled with a drink she hadn’t asked about – she just drank. This was her third cup of the sweet liquid, although every time she got to the bottom and the taste of alcohol overwhelmed her tongue she wanted to throw up. She hadn’t quite thought about how she might not be in the mood to party with her peers, she was trying a little hard to be a normal teenage girl. It’d be easier if she could be bothered conversing with people, or maybe jumping into the lake fully clothed like Louise had done moments earlier.  

Practically forced into a tiny little sundress and a pair of boots, she’d felt hesitant about it from the moment she got there. It was dark now, and she was no longer toying with the hem nervously, or wishing she’d brought a jacket, she was just letting the buzz keep her occupied.

They’d picked the lake because it could easily accommodate the entire senior class and as crowded as both sides was, she’d managed to slip off to the side, surrounded by trees while she slid into an empty lawn chair. In the distance, she could see Kyle glancing her way, but she avoided his eyes, looking right through him. The more time she went without his texts blowing up her phone every night, the more she knew they’d made the right decision. Some part of her wanted to break it off for good, but she resigned herself to seeing if the whole thing would phase out now that school was done and she had no reason to see him at all. Sure they still had the same group of friends, but he wasn’t a bitter person and neither was she. They could be civil.

A song popped into her head and she hummed along. It was familiar, but she didn’t quite know why she knew the lyrics at all.

“ _Sometimes I sleep… Sometimes it’s not for days…_ ” She sighed and tipped her head back, and it didn’t shock her when she woke up elsewhere. Standing up, she made a face as she realised she was in a bathroom. And not a nice one. Definitely not a nice one. There wasn’t a spot of unmarked paint, it was covered in suggestions to ‘call this number for a good time’ and a fairly graphic picture of a nude woman doing something she couldn’t look at for another two seconds if she wanted to step foot in church again. Letting her cup drop from her fingers as she stood up and checked she hadn’t ruined her dress, she heard the song, muffled by the walls of the bathroom.

Pushing the door open, she peered out carefully, and there he was, suit and all. Of course he was.

He reached underneath his jacket, against his back and then dropped his hand when he noticed it was her and she frowned.

“Hi.” She beamed at him, a side effect of the fact she’d had too much to drink for her small, inexperienced frame.

The room was small, a bathroom big enough for two people – she assumed. It had two stalls, but when she noticed the grimy black lock on the door she wasn’t so sure. She’d open the other stall door but she wasn’t interested in seeing what was behind it. It smelled too, like alcohol and maybe other things if she spent too long trying to distinguish it.

“You look way too happy to see me.” Seth was making fun of her, but his amusement had some concern behind it, and even in the state she was in, she could sense it.

“Pfft, I’m happy to see _everyone_. I’m celebrating, Seth.” She turned around, pointing to the red cup that now rested against the ground, the lemonade and vodka that’d once been inside it spilled across the dirty floor. “I graduated, remember?”

“Yeah.” It looked like he wanted to say something else, he stopped himself and reached for her arm, pulling her way from leaning against the door of the stall. It was pretty disgusting, she’d have to thank him later.

“Oh! I know this song now. I bet you relate to it don’t you… _I’m wanted… dead or alive_.” She repeated the lyrics and make her voice deeper, like she was telling a joke. She was a little – but she was also completely sure he did.

He changed the subject. “That dress supposed to be covering anything?”

In an instant, she was hyperaware of the how low cut the dress was. White with little sunflowers, it was just far enough down her chest to make her look like she had some cleavage to show off. As for the hem, it landed just barely below her ass. Safe to say she hadn’t been bending over for the entire night – she didn’t actually want to show off her pretty white panties to a crowd of onlookers.

“It’s not mine.” She said in response, wrapping her arms around her stomach. 

It took Kate a minute to register that he was checking her out. He hadn’t looked at her like that since the first time they’d appeared to each other – half naked and shocked. This was different, now. They’d taken comfort in each other’s presence. It was easy to chalk it up to her fuzzy brain, but the way his eyes traced her, it was too distinct to miss. They had some sort of connection, and while they’d been edging towards flirtation, this was more outright than she’d been expecting. “I like it.”

Her eyes went wide and she looked elsewhere. If she wasn’t already a little flushed from the alcohol, this made it much worse. Her cheeks were basically on fire.

“Y’know, if you’re gonna keep being nice to me, it’s gonna start giving me ideas.” God, there she was flirting back, unable to help herself. She took her bottom lip between her teeth, peering up at him like it was a challenge.

“Feel free to have ideas when we’re not in this dump of a bathroom.” His confidence was always more than hers by at least double. Her attempts at trying to flirt back seemed meek at best, but her head was clouded by alcohol and the music that still drifted into the bathroom. 

“I’ll… keep that in mind.” She nodded slowly.

Someone began banging on the door, they both turned to look, quickly exiting the little trance they’d been in, looking at each other and considering how things had changed. Kate felt silly to be thinking about it.

There were so many reasons for him to be uninterested in a recent high school graduate, in a girl who wasn’t even sure what she was doing half the time. Not that she thought he had big ambitions, but he had _some_ that were outside the next score. Then there was the age gap… Ten years or so didn’t seem like a big deal when you’re over twenty-one, and even in Texas it shouldn’t matter so much, but it’s just another thing to add to her mental list.

And _oh God_ , he was a criminal. She knew he was a criminal – and yet in the same vein, she didn’t know him. There were so many things to stop her from even letting the little crush she’d just realised was there inside her linger.

There was another bang against the door.

She didn’t think she could stop herself at this point.

“Can you fuckin’ relax? Jesus Christ.” He called out, turning on the sink. Even the water looked dirty and grey, but she couldn’t focus on her disgust.

“You shouldn’t say that.” What could she say? It was the impulse of a good (drunk) Christian girl.

“I shouldn’t do a lot of things.”

They looked at each other, and Kate nodded over to the door as the person on the other end began to yell. She could feel herself fading, the music becoming fainter in her ears. He kept close to her as she eventually drifted back to the party, gentler than it tended to be. She’d been getting used to being spat back in, yelping in response, but it was like the world just swayed.

She gave up her drinking for the night and found everyone else, jumping into a conversation about a tenth grade teacher they’d collectively hated. Even with her mind on something else, she was still thinking about him, and wondering, working her way through the what if’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been struggling with getting this to a point where i think the Romance can start happening, so i'm pretty pleased with this chapter. hopefully you are too!!!


	6. daddy issues

Trudging into the kitchen, Kate was met with amusement from her brother who was hunched over a bowl of cereal she was pretty sure had been in the bottom of their cupboards. He had to be pretty steadfast in his belief that she had a hangover if he was looking at her like that, and she didn’t really blame him. She had stumbled home late after being dropped off by a sober former classmate and found him in his room yelling at the television with a controller in hand. Attempting to be coy, she’d failed at closing the door properly twice and blamed it on the lock. It was impressive that she’d even managed to dress herself, really. That, and she hadn’t thrown up. Points to Fuller.

Her head wasn’t quite feeling the pain yet, but too much movement made the dull headache a little harder to bare. She would have stayed there in bed if she hadn’t heard so much noise downstairs, and there with all the ceramic pieces piled up on a napkin, she noticed the source of the commotion.

“Did you break something?” She questioned, rubbing at her eyes. She’d spent ten minutes drunkenly taking off the eyeliner and mascara the night before, but she’d still had black to clean up when she woke up that morning.

“Dropped a mug.” Scott replied, swirling his spoon through the milk, his corners of his lips still curved upwards.

“Nice.” She rolled her eyes, opening the fridge and letting her hand settle on the juice.

It would be expired in a couple days, but there was still half a bottle and Kate wasn’t going to start being picky now. Pouring herself a glass, she narrowly avoided a piece of the smashed mug still lingering on the ground and stood across from her brother. She’d thrown on a tiny singlet and shorts before bed, and if it weren’t so warm, she would have put on a cardigan too.

“You doing anything today?” She questioned, after a long sip.

Between mouthfuls, he answered. “Going to Ryan’s.”

“You’re sure spending a lot of time with him. You never used to.” She leaned forward.

“Yeah, well he’s the only one who’s not a dick about everything.” He punctuated the sentence with the spoon clinging around the bowl, droplets of milk landing on his hand.

“What do you mean everything?” Kate asked, although she knew the answer.

“I don’t know… Dad… _You_.” Scott didn’t meet her eyes as he finished that last word, seemingly knowing her reaction wouldn’t be on the positive side.

Shifting back with concern in her expression, her head started to hurt again. “What do you mean me?”

“I thought they were bad while you were with Kyle, now they’re just fucking gross.”

“Oh.” She made a face, scrunching up her nose in disgust. High school boys. They always lived up to their reputation. Even if that was the case with some of them, she was thankful her brother had found someone who could be understanding about their whole situation.

“Doesn’t matter. They were all assholes before that.” The spoon clinked into the bowl, empty besides for the milk that still settled at the bottom. Scott scooped it up and slurped up the rest. Kate stared at the marble below her elbows.

“Was dad okay yesterday?” It was the question they were both dreading, but it had to come up eventually.

Scott wiped his sleeve over his mouth, meeting her eyes with a hesitancy that made her sad. “He was upset. And he was drunk. You do the math.”

“Is he home?”

To have to ask that question in the first place, it was just another thing wrong about their whole situation.

“In his bed where I left him. I checked when I got up. I made sure he was asleep and not dead, if that’s what you’re worried about. Even cleaned up vomit. Almost twice… My gag reflex is now my enemy.” It didn’t matter if Scott could joke about it, because Kate knew how awful it all was. How much it hurt to see their father like that, breaking down and not seeking out help.

“Thank you.” She said it sincerely, because she really did feel in debt to her brother, for all he’d done. Maybe it was because she saw the burden of their alcoholic father as being on her shoulders. Maybe too, she didn’t know why that was. Call it the plight of the elder sibling, or maternal instinct. It didn’t matter what way you phrased it, in all wordings it was tragic.

“He’s my dad too.”

“I know.”

She wished he didn’t feel the need to insist as much, and she could never quite make up for the way she’d been when her brother first joined the family, but she was trying now. Their past always seemed such a problem, something to sever their ability to get along. She was hoping that time would help to remedy that.

Moving back, he slipped off the stool. “Can I take the car?”

“Yeah, okay. If dad needs to go somewhere I can drive him.” Kate found her keys sitting on the bench and threw them other to her brother, who caught them easily. He even managed a quick smile before he grabbed his stuff and left.

Grabbing the bowl off the counter, she slipped it into the sink and finished off her juice. There wasn’t much to do, and having left her phone upstairs, she wasn’t sure if anyone had plans. In a few weeks there was a trip planned, but she still felt bad about going. With her father not working and her mother not around to make any extra money, they were scraping by. Caroline had insisted on paying for her, citing favours she owed and the approval of her parents, but it just made her feel bad. She didn’t want everyone to pity her.

She was thinking about her dad, too. About the pills in his bathroom. She had forced herself to forget the name on the container, now written in the notes app on her phone, but she wanted to look it up. Whatever the pills would tell her, she wasn’t quite sure, but she was hesitant about finding out.

The world shifted when she turned back around and she groaned, the movement making her head ache. Somehow the motel room was brighter than her kitchen, and she quickly attributed it to the fact that most of the curtains were pulled back. Frank Sinatra was playing, and Kate almost rolled her eyes at it.

This motel room seemed bigger than the last, seemingly nicer on the surface but with all the windows open, she figured they must have been airing it out. Two messy twin beds were directly in front of her and to her left there was a small table with a man in her head deeply focused on the task at hand. Behind him there was something like a small kitchenette, but it only really held a mini-fridge, microwave and a toaster. Not exactly luxury living, but it was an upgrade.

For once, she got Seth to be surprised when he saw her, but she quickly realised it wasn’t for the reasons she wished it was. He chuckled and let whatever he was messing with lay on the small table in the room, leaning back against the seat. “Okay, it’s like your outfits are getting progressively smaller and smaller, I’m getting concerned.”

“Stop it.” She hissed, but resisted the urge to pull at the fabric to cover herself up. It would just show something else off.

Still smirking, he rose from his seat and she stared at the gun – she knew what it was now – taken apart on the table, all the unfamiliar pieces making it up in her mind. “I’m not opposed to it or anything, I’m just wondering when you’re gonna show up in your underwear.”

“How about never?”

Berry red nails dug into the sides of her arms as she crossed them, feeling a little uncomfortable and yet also a little excited. She didn’t know what Seth was doing, but she had to say she appreciated the change. She couldn’t help it.

“You break my heart.” Seth took a couple more steps towards her.

She rolled her eyes and tried to shake how flustered she was feeling. “Stop acting like a perv.”

“I figured you kinda liked me looking at you. You certainly liked it last night. You get all pink…” He tipped his head to the side like he was waiting for it as his eyes slid down her body, and her cheeks warmed. “Yeah, there it is. All sweet and strawberry-cheeked.”

The words sounded foreign from him, something close to an attempt at poetic. Kate liked it.

And she cursed herself for it.

“I was drunk, I can’t be blamed for my actions. What about you and this whole thing?” She motioned towards him. “Are you stealing lines from books or something?”

“And so what if I am?” He ambled over to the small counter in the kitchen area, where the only curtained window remained.

“You just like embarrassing me.” Kate bit back a smile, embarrassment making it difficult to think of much else to say. Her thumb dug into the skin of her inner arm and her feet felt like they were stuck to the brown carpet.

“And you like the attention. Come on, don’t play coy.”

His words made her brows furrow, and she wasn’t so sure she liked what Seth seemed to think about her. She wasn’t playing some game when her cheeks burned. It wasn’t bashful and cute, it was genuine embarrassment and maybe even fear that he would notice how awfully obvious her crush was getting. It was easy to fight it off with forced confidence, to make fun of him because there was a lot he did that was easy to make fun of.

“I’m not playing anything – I don’t know how you expect me to respond.” She explained.

“Come here.”

The insistence in his voice prompted her forward one step, and she rolled her eyes as she gave in, marching up to him like she was being forced. Standing there in front of him, she held her chin up high to meet his eyes as he peered down at her. Seth certainly didn’t waste any time, now that their dynamic had changed. He ran his finger underneath the strap of her pyjama shirt and moved it to the side. On instinct, she moved it back.

“What are you doing?” With her hand still on it, she frowned up at him, pursing her lips.

“Giving you what you want.” His mouth stayed slightly open and she didn’t mean to dart her eyes to it, but it was hard not to.

“ _Smooth_.” She barely managed to get the word out before he was leaning down, and she tilted her head up on instinct, her feet lifting so she could meet his lips.

Their lips had barely brushed, and _there_ were the sparks she was wondering about, so long ago now. There was some tentativeness after that initial moment, and he shifted back, meeting her eyes to make sure. Kate would appreciate it if the desperation hadn’t started to build up in her. She was the one who pushed back, kissing him with about as much confidence as she could manage.

It wasn’t perfect, or even romantic. In fact, once they’d both registered that they were really kissing, it was more rushed. They were not the front of a Nicholas Sparks book by any means, they were something less appropriate; the type of stuff Louise would bring to a sleepover and read aloud to everyone with their eyes wide. Lifting her up at her thighs, he turned them around to place her on the counter.

Frantic and hot, their mouths melded together and he pushed the strap of her shirt down again as he began to kiss down her jaw, leaving her heaving breaths as she tried to steady herself. He was between her legs, and they were pressed as close together as possible, even as he moved his lips down her neck, moving his teeth over the sensitive skin. Her hair was in her face and he kissed down to her shoulder and her hands rested on his, eyes fluttering shut at the new sensation of his lips on her skin.

She’d thought she was so rebellious, kissing with _tongue_ in _church_.

Seth… He certainly wasn’t Kyle.

He was probably the type of guy who’d put his hand under her skirt in church. During the service.  

Stopping his movements, he began to chuckle against her skin and it tickled. She shifted, scrunching her nose up in a grin as she pushed him away from her shoulder, to bring him back to her mouth. He was a hell of a hangover cure, she’d already forgotten about her aching head.

There was a gentle kiss before she was speaking again. “Is this what we’re gonna do now?”

“This being…?” His hands had settled on the tops of her thighs. Her shorts had ridden up to reveal pretty pale flesh and he didn’t seem to mind touching it.

“You know what I mean. Is this… Are we…?” Kate hated how childish it felt to be asking after their first kiss, but she needed boundaries. She may be able to get inside his head, but she missed out on all the important stuff, the things she really wanted to know.

“Jumping a little ahead for me, princess.”

She grimaced and he raised his eyebrows, tipping his head back. She shifted back on the counter, no longer pressed against him besides for her legs on either side of him.

“You’re the one who kissed me. I was happy to go on wondering.” It was a lie, but it left her lips so easily she could force herself to believe it. Could she have just gone on? What choice would she have had, really?

“That right?” Seth’s hands began to move up her thighs again, since he still hadn’t removed them.

“Mm hm” She nodded, looking away.

“Yeah, well, I’m not some outlet for your daddy issues, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

Kate rolled her eyes, only taking mild offence. He had his own issues. “You’re a dick.”

Seth hesitated for a second, and then said something that made her frown. “I’m a Gecko.”

“What?”

“That’s my last name.”

Maybe it was making up for the insensitive comment. It didn’t matter, she’d already moved on. This was another piece of the puzzle, another thing to know about the mysterious man.

In her elation, she let out a breathy chuckle. “You’re kidding. Like a lizard?”

“Why does everyone ask that?” He grumbled.

“It’s interesting.”

With her gentle hands, she reached for him and he moved his hands up her hips to her behind, sliding her forward so again he was pressed up against her. Leaning in close, she pressed her forehead against his and he toyed with the hem at the back of her shirt.

“You gonna tell me yours or what?” Seth asked, after a moment.

“Fuller.” She nodded.

“Kate Fuller. _Katie_. You’re as wholesome as fuckin’ pie, aren’t you?”

“Next to you I’m sure I look pretty pure.” She grinned, her lips ghosting over his before she pulled back again.

“Not when you look like this.” And to prove his point, he ducked down, going back to her shoulder but moving down even lower, pushing her back until the back of her head was up against a cupboard. He was getting dangerously close to the swell of her breasts and it wasn’t long until he was slowly pulling the singlet down. The lack of bra meant there would probably be no turning back, and her excitement was already clear.

“ _Oh_ …. Oh… Um, I’m a…” She tried to talk through her reactions.

Seth paused and pulled back entirely.

“If you say virgin, I swear to god, Kate, I’m gonna lose my god damn mind.”

Kate laughed so hard she couldn’t breathe. Her most sincere laugh in so long, because nothing made sense. Seth Gecko trying to get in her pants after a month of showing up in her bedroom and her mirrors and her kitchen. And then she realised how disinterested he’d probably be in a virgin, and she stopped. Seth just looked back at her concerned, slithers of amusement in his expression as she let the giggles subside.

“It’s okay if that bothers you.” She pulled the strap of her top back onto her shoulder.

“It doesn’t…” He forced the words out and she felt a little horrified about the whole situation. “It’s just different. Haven’t thought about taking a girl’s virginity since I was seventeen.”

He didn’t make it worse, at least. She tried to be thankful for that, putting on a cheeky smile. “What, back in the stone age?”

“You keep saying shit like that and I’m gonna put you over my knee.” He growled and she rolled her eyes.

“Oh my _god_.”

When he threw her over his shoulder, she yelled and laughed until he dropped her onto the bed, complaining of her hangover but he quickly distracted her again. It seemed there was some sort of acceptance of how things would be, although they hadn’t really hashed out any real details. Kate assumed it was because they were going to see what happened. She was okay to test the waters as long as she could set the limits, and Seth seemed happy to comply, the two of them spending the rest of the time they had left making out like they were _both_ horny teenagers. That was, until she disappeared back into her kitchen with a severe case of whiplash from having been on top of him.  

Her daddy woke up well into the afternoon, but settled himself on the couch to watch television instead of heading out. She didn’t speak to him but he didn’t say much at all, only that he had a job to head out to in the morning. Kate chose to try and believe him.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, that happened. this is slowly coming together and again i appreciate all the feedback i've been getting. i've been really hesitant about getting to the romantic stuff bc we haven't seen them be romantic in canon so it took a lot of rewatching to get comfortable w/ my own interpretation. it really does make it worthwhile to get a couple of comments. so. yep. thanks for keeping me gong.


	7. it never lasts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uni got a bit much and i've been struggling to update, especially since it felt a little hard to follow the last chapter and not feel like my writing was getting repetitive. this isn't as long as the last two but i'm just trying to set things up for later.

From conversations to make out sessions, that became routinely too.

It seemed to be working for them, and the little conversations about nothing at all still continued, but Kate figured that the more they got comfortable with each other the more they would be able to open up. It didn’t seem to necessarily work that way, but she was trying.

The first time he reappeared she was hesitant and tired from a long day of cleaning up the Fuller kitchen. A lot of the stuff in the cupboards and fridge had expired, and she was starting to notice the after effects of her father’s apparent loss of faith. She was scared that they wouldn’t have enough money to keep afloat. Even so, all the stress in her body seemed to slowly melt away when Seth showed up.

She was trying to ask him for more details about anything at all, fixated on his hometown but he wasn't budging. He’d managed to walk her over to the edge of her bed and tentatively, she’d dropped down onto it and stopped talking, shuffling back as she looked up at him. It wasn’t like she had never done this before and she cursed herself for being nervous at all. Maybe if he wasn't so determined to avoid her questions he wouldn't look at her the way he was. There was just… something about the look in his eye. The hunger of it that sent shivers up her spine and got her excited.

With him on top of her, she felt almost like someone else. Or maybe it was because she got so immersed in their moments that for a little while she was distracted from what her life really was.

It was a more than welcome distraction, even when he hovered over her and kept her down flat against the bed. Quickly he had gone from kissing her to staring, and the fact that she wasn’t wearing a bra made it worse.

“I wanna try something. You trust me?” He asked and she looked a little exasperated in response.

“Just barely.” That made him laugh, low and under his breath before he shifted down above her, pressing a quick kiss to her lips.

“Try to keep your cool, Fuller.” She wouldn’t have been surprised if he threw in a wink. She pressed her lips into a straight line and fought the urge to make a comment about how bad he seemed to be at it the last time she’d gotten on top of him. Instead, she just focused on what he happened to be doing. Peering up at her once, he moved above her to her shoulder, leaning down to kiss the skin softly. Sitting up, he continued to move down her arm, reaching for it so he could hold it where he wanted. Without much warning, he dropped her arm and moved to her stomach, pressing his face into it which elicited a laugh as she sat up in surprise.

“What are you doing to me?” She questioned, looking down at him with amusement quickly turning into anxiety.

“Kissing you.” He stated simply, angling a finger underneath her shirt and teasingly swiping along the skin. Her reaction must have been far too obvious, the way she tightened her jaw but she couldn’t control herself. And maybe she didn’t want to. “You say the word, I’ll take my hands and anything else off you, okay?”

She nodded slowly. “Okay.”

It wasn’t that Kate didn’t want him to touch her. No, after their first little make out session she definitely wasn’t adverse to it. The thing that threw her off was _how much_ she wanted it. There was just… something between them. Something more than sexual attraction – or maybe it was all just a by-product of their situation.

Seth had already gotten to pushing her little t-shirt up to reveal her stomach. She swallowed thickly and looked away as he began to lean down.

_Oh_ , he was good. At first, the sensation of open mouth kisses against that part of her was strange, but as he continued, the more she liked it. Her skin scorched with his attention, cheeks blushing a furious pink as he made his way down to the waistband of her shorts.

She almost told him to take them off.

And then he pulled away, and shuffled back, moving her legs upwards and she stared in concern. He pushed her thighs apart and her eyes widened slightly as he watched him back a beeline for one, just above the knee. That was… Different. Kate sat up on her elbows in a rush and her legs moved down although he held on.  

“ _Seth_.” She hissed and he paused, looking to her for instruction.

It wasn’t like she thought he would do anything she didn’t want him to, and yet the concept of him getting so close had her feeling shaky. Wetting her lips with her tongue, she collapsed back against her pillow. “Okay.” She said. “Okay, I trust you. Okay.”

There was no reason to be so taken with the whole scenario, but she was completely lost in his kind mouth rewarding her skin with wet kisses. Seth was slower now and soft, but he wasn’t necessarily kind. It was a kind of torture that made her head dizzy as he took his time to give attention to every part of her inner thigh that was available to him. He had locked her into place for the most part, and she didn’t squirm too much, only when her embarrassment made her sensitive. It was definitely doing _something_ to her, and the sensation that she wanted her shorts off was stronger than it had been.

And then he moved his teeth over her. Kate couldn’t help the squeal she let out and the moment seemingly died. Laughing at her reaction, Seth dropped his head and loosened his grip. He looked up at her with a grin as his laughs subsided and she shut her eyes.  

“That’s real cute, you know.” He teased, and she didn’t know if it was a welcome change from what he usually said.

“Shut up.” She whined, regretting having made any noise at all.

He moved back up on top of her and put his hands to good use, tickling at her side till her eyes watered and she held his hands to make him stop. They stayed there like that for a while, just watching each other while she held his hands to his chest, him pretending she could keep them there. For a man who held a gun in her face once, he could sure give her looks that gave her god damn butterflies.

-

At the very least, their new routine was working for Kate. She got addicted to the feeling of his lips on hers and on her skin. Seth seemed equally as enamoured with hers, if his generous mouth was anything to judge. Although they weren’t always pressed together, a good chunk of their time became dedicated to exploring each other. She made her attempts at mimicking what he’d done to her, although it was more a challenge to see what part of him was the most ticklish.

Things were starting to feel okay. In fact, maybe better than that. Kate felt good, no matter how often she wondered how ridiculous it was that she was enamoured with a guy in her head. She hadn’t felt content in a long while, although the empty still seemed to cut through her happiness every now and then.

She googled Seth’s name a week in. After having accidentally appeared to watch Seth and his brother interact with an older man that seemed to make them both smile wide. They were having a conversation about something she couldn’t quite pin point, the jargon enough to throw her off completely. From what she could tell, it was something about hitting up… Someone. She couldn’t remember the name and Seth had merely glanced at her, but she knew he couldn’t look properly.

She didn’t ask about the man or whatever was going on the next time she saw him, worried the disappointment about his likely standoffish response would get her. She just wanted things to be good.

Besides, it was one of her quicker appearances, the fridge beeping bringing her back to reality.

With her finger hovering over enter, she wondered if he’d see it, if he’d be annoyed with her for trying to find out more than he would tell her. Reasoning with herself for a moment, she pressed enter and it came back with… Nothing. Nothing of interest, anyway. She got through three pages when she realised it was no longer worth it and she didn’t know why she’d bothered in the first place. Whatever and whoever he was, it wasn’t going to be found in a google search.

Her phone sat across the bed and she reached for it, in a haze of frustration about not knowing anything she opened up her notes app and found that word that had been waiting for her.

-

Sleeping pills.

That’s what they were. That’s all they were and she wasn’t sure why she was so concerned about it before. She didn’t remember many details about the bottle except how many happened to be gone. It wasn’t something to be worried about, was it?

Having trouble sleeping was pretty common, even Kate herself had considered it when it had become particularly elusive early on. Sleeplessness was one of the worst side-effects of her grief, and… It was easy to link it all together. Migraines… Being tired. It wasn’t like everything linked together, she wasn’t living in some psychological thriller. It was just something she didn’t know about and God knows she didn’t know everything. Her parents liked to keep their private lives private from just about everyone, sometimes including their children.

Kate focused on her life for the rest of the afternoon, and it was a small success.

She pushed the shopping cart forward as Scott moved around the supermarket, holding on tight to the haphazard list she’d written. He wasn’t exactly sticking to it but she figured they could manage to get a few things that weren’t bare essentials, but she knew she’d have to stop him eventually. Usually their dad left them money, but he’d been slacking as of late and had been genuinely present in their home least of all. Kate wanted to hope maybe he was working on getting something permanent going job wise, but she always had far too much faith.

She’d searched her bedroom for money and came up with enough for groceries if she included the bills in her purse. She’d talk to her daddy about it later, if he listened.

“Do we really need two boxes of Pop Tarts? You’re the only one eating them.” She protested as her brother dropped them in the cart. Kate liked sugar but she’d always found her brother’s favourite flavours too much for her taste.

“You expect me to survive on this list alone?” He responded, keeping pace with her as she began to walk through the aisle. It was relatively empty, even for a Thursday afternoon and Kate wished it were quieter. Soft eighties pop swam through the aisles and she floated along through the whole experience, thinking about anything and everything – although avoiding the thought of Seth, at least when her brother was around.

“Yeah, well I don’t really have enough to live large right now.” Kate explained bitterly as she moved them into the next one, wishing she could take a look at their list and make sure they hadn’t missed anything.

“I wouldn’t call this living large.” Scott motioned to their mostly empty cart.

It was true, there wasn’t much. Milk, bread, two boxes of pasta as well as some sauce to last them for dinner and now Pop Tarts. She frowned and defended it anyway. “Hey, we’re not finished yet.”

Her brother was silent for a moment, looking away from her as she looked at the cereal choices available to them. Sugary or healthy were the basic options. And the sugary was usually cheaper. Eventually, he spoke up, rather hesitantly. “Besides, I have money. I can pay for some of it.”

Kate tried not to look surprised, although as it sunk in she felt her confusion rise. Looking away from the boxes in her hands, she tilted her chin up and narrowed her eyes. “Where’d you get money from?”

In response, he took the box of Froot Loops out of her hands to drop into the cart. She rolled her eyes and put the other box back but turned to look at him expectantly when she was done.

“I got a job.”

“Oh. That’s really good, actually.” Better than she was doing. She hadn’t even considered getting one yet, although it would have been already organised if she was the same girl from a year prior. She even knew what job she’d had in mind – lifeguard at the pool, exactly what Louise would be doing all summer.

“Yeah.” Scott walked off to grab instant coffee and Kate leaned against the handles of the shopping cart as she moved forward slowly, thinking about it.

Her opinion changed quickly as she realised that she didn’t want this responsibility to be on him. It was on her if it wasn’t on their dad. She was the older sibling. “You know you don’t have to pay for stuff just because you got a job…”

“Just let me pay for the food, Kate, okay? I don’t need you to be all righteous.”

_That_ shut her up. “So, where’s your job?”

He explained that he was helping the new pastor that had moved from a city over, and her heart swelled at the very notion. She knew that she was always a lot more closely tied to her religion, and sometimes that made Scott feel like the odd one out, but she was happy to see any interest in their faith. They continued through the store at a slow pace until they had nothing else to justify buying.

-

Routinely was a word for it, or maybe distracted, preoccupied with each other’s bodies, but that didn’t mean it was anything close to boring. Late that night, Seth appeared in her bed and crawled on top of her, peppering tired kisses wherever he could get them. She quickly became more aggressive, attacking him back to the other side of the bed and grinding her hips down against him until he groaned and threw his head back in frustration and she was left giggling.

Things seemed like they were better, but that was because they were in a state where their lives weren’t happening when they were together. Seth may have known things about Kate that she hadn’t intended to share, and Kate had put parts of his life together, but it was a bubble to live in, to be together the way they were. They lived in a world where they could lay in bed together and pretend. It was completely void of reality.

It didn’t last.


	8. a burden to bear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who got struck with inspiration??? thank you again for your lovely comments, they seriously keep me going. this chapter was super emotionally draining to write but in the best way.

The closest thing they had to a real conversation in a long time was when she was too tired to kiss him and brought up the future. It was almost easier to talk about things like college, even if it was real and it scared her, because it wasn’t something she thought over often. She had been set to go for a while now, to a good school too. She had been elated at first, finding out she’d be able to get out of Bethel for school, but slowly that excitement had become dread and she wasn’t sure how to be happy about it again. It would mean leaving her family and there was also that fear that most of her classmates felt – she was going to return to her home town afterwards and be there forever.

Seth leaned on his side, propped up on his elbow and she played with his other hand, focusing on that instead of his face as she mumbled about it. He was paying close attention and after a moment, took a hold of her hand to catch her attention. “Don’t you wanna to get away from your dad? From this place?”

The whole dad thing – that got them both testy, but such a quiet conversation wasn’t going to be instantly ruined by the topic. It was something she knew had to come up. Besides, when they weren’t talking about him, it was easier.

She pursed her lips and shrugged a shoulder noncommittally. “My dad wasn’t always like he is now… He was – he’s a good man. He did a lot for us and I know he’d want me to go but...”

But she was scared to leave him. To leave him would feel like abandoning not just her father but her brother. They needed her, didn’t they?

“Do you want to go?”

Kate let go of her bottom lip, not even having noticed she was chewing on it. “What do you mean?”

“Do you want to go to college? I mean I sure as shit can’t be the authority on whether or not you should, but it seems like whether you want to, or you’re ready, that’s important, isn’t it?” He explained.

“I guess…”

“Either you do or you don’t.”

She groaned and regretted bringing it up at all. It figured that as soon as it got to a difficult topic she’d want to tap out. Everything else aside, did she even want to go to college? She wasn’t quite so sure.

“Not everything is as black and white as you make it out to be, Seth Gecko.” She told him, pulling her hand from his grip although she continued to hover there.

“Sometimes it is.” He nodded, looking down, and then shuffled a little closer, lips ghosting over hers. “Bet I could distract you pretty well if you’d let me.”

He was such a weakness for her, him and his stupid flirtatious words. A serious topic pushed away for their new hobby.

“My brother and dad are asleep only rooms away and you’re trying to get in my pants?” She raised her eyebrows, not letting up and shifting back, because even if she was saying no, she almost wanted to say yes.

She’d had a dream about it days earlier, maybe that’s why he knew it would get to her. She woke up sweaty and a little alarmed at how real it felt. His shaven face brushing against her thigh, moving down and pressing kisses against her. When he started using his tongue, she wasn’t responsible for whatever dream Kate had responded with. She didn’t know she had the ability to use that many expletives.

“Just an offer, I’m pretty good with my mouth.” He leaned in for a quick kiss.

Kate turned to bury her face in the pillow immediately after. Seth chuckled and leaned over to pull her shirt up, pressing a kiss to her back before leaning his cheek against it, his arm laying across the backs of her thighs, incredibly close to her ass. She squirmed a little but she didn’t mind laying there like that. She tried not to think too much about his offer, successfully distracted even if he hadn’t gotten down between her legs.

-

Seth wished that he could wake up with her, that he didn’t have to be awoken by Eddie and Richie banging pots and pans as they threw together breakfast. It was a little too domestic for his taste, especially considering the fact that they were heading out that day. He didn’t want to think about their newest job, their connection to Carlos. He preferred when it was just him and his brother – owing people, it never went well. And he was distracted, Richie had pointed that out several times.

It wasn’t his fault that he was being haunted by an eighteen year old girl.

At least she wasn’t always showing up when he was stealing shit, although it didn’t seem to bother her as much as it should. Maybe she just didn’t know enough… Maybe in time she’d realise how wrong it was that someone like her should want someone like him. Any bible thumping small town girl like her should already have run in the other direction, but there wasn’t that option, and he sure as fuck didn’t want her to.

It made him bad, to want her the way he did. It made him worse to care about her. Why did he care so fucking much? He had enough to take care of with his brother.

Pushing the blankets back he padded over to the door, opening it and frowning as they greeted him.

“You’re both fucking assholes, you know that?”

He said, walking over to the counter. Richie grinned in response.

“Come get your breakfast, dickhead.”

-

“Stop here.” Scott’s voice was cold. He sat back in the passenger seat, glowering.

He had pushed himself into the corner of it, as far away from his sister as he could get in such a small space. They had been fighting, that much was clear from how on edge they both seemed to be, and while they used to fight like cats and dogs over meaningless things, this was different. This was worse. They weren’t fighting about bathroom time or him talking to her friends. They weren’t bickering over who got the last ice cream in the fridge.

They’d been arguing about their dad for close to twenty minutes, Kate pushing a stoic resistance to his insistence that they get him help. Professional help. The type with meetings and all the things she won’t know how to arrange, let alone convince their father to attend.

They were children. How were they supposed to help him? Why does it have to be on them? She threw every excuse forward to hide how terrified she was of it all. She wished she could be stronger, but admitting the problem felt like a big enough jump already, even if it had already hurt them both enough.

“Scott we’re not even close yet.” Kate protested, holding her hand up to the stretch of road. There weren’t many cars around but that was typical. It was a good thing, too, because she’d had trouble focusing the whole drive. She was supposed to be dropping him off to his new job, not fighting back tears.

Maybe it’s just ingrained in her, some need to protect what people think of them and the idea that God will find a way to save them. When she told her daddy that she felt empty months and months ago, he told her to look to Him. It was an automatic response, but it was the response that resonated with her the most. Prayer will bring guidance _. Private prayer_. Our business is not everybody’s business.

“Just stop the car. I know the rest of the way. I can walk.” He spoke through gritted teeth, his hand already waiting to open the door.

Wiping her eyes, she shook her head and swallowed, frowning at him as she did everything _but_ stop. They’d been getting along so well in the last few months, she didn’t want to see that ruined. “Don’t do this, okay? Don’t shut down or get mad at me just because I don’t agree with you.”

“It’s not that you don’t agree with me, it’s that you don’t _care_.” Kate winced and Scott continued, anger expressed so easily across the space between them. “You’re just like them, you care so much about reputation you’d rather just not do anything about it. Well news flash Kate, everyone’s already seen it. Everyone knows he missed your graduation. Everyone sees him in town, at the bar…. They _know_. That’s the reality. And you and I both know he’s not just getting drunk because mom died.”

It would be a lie if she said it didn’t sting, to hear all of that from her brother. And yet she couldn’t blame him for being mad and upset, because she would be. She should be, if she felt more. Her empathy was all over the place and she had put up walls that had never existed before. Although, when he implied there was something more, that got to her, hitting her where it really hurt – where her suspicions had laid dormant from distraction in the form of a man too old and too bad for her. It was a good thing he couldn’t throw that in her face as well.

“What do you mean?” She asked, trying to remain calm and collected. The tears were already forced back and she refused to let them make a reappearance.

“There was something…. There was something wrong with her. Just like there’s something wrong with dad. And… with you.” Scott tried to say it more gently, but it didn’t matter. Kate stared ahead and stopped in the middle of the road, internally thankful later on that no one was behind her.

“Get out.” She told him, as cold as he had been speaking to her only moments earlier. So easily things had changed, but she was still the one stuck in her disbelief. She had thought she was being better, that all of her emotion or lack thereof wasn’t so obvious in her anymore, but so quickly the illusion was shattered.

“We both know it.” Scott sounded sad now, moving an inch closer to her although he was still stuck on the door handle.

Kate swore her jaw was going to break from the intensity with which she tightened it. It was an unnatural feeling, the anger, but she felt it regardless. It was an awful feeling, the gut wrenching kind that came with truth. There was no way to control it, to stop herself from being upset with his words.

“Go, Scott. You said you know the rest of the way? Go. Walk.” She insisted and he gave in leaving the car without another word.

Kate let herself cry for about two minutes before she sucked it up and began to drive again. She began to follow Scott to make sure he made it alright, but found herself in the passenger seat only moments later and the car veering off the direction the church was in.

“Stop, stop, no we need to, I was making sure that–“ She reached towards the steering wheel without thinking and Seth cut her off, holding out arm to block her hands.

“Hey, stop it, what are you doing? He’s going, isn’t he?” He yelled, and after a moment she sat back, crossing her arms over her chest and staring down at her lap in confusion at her own actions. Her hands felt shaky and her stomach felt like it was doing somersaults in the worst way possible.

“I don’t know that.” She felt so low. Lower than low.

“You don’t trust him?” He asked, glancing at her and he wasn’t even trying to hide his concern.

Embarrassment came creeping up her neck as she remembered that he was in her head, even when he wasn’t physically there. And she had never witnessed his version of something like this. “Did you hear all of that?”

“Only the parts you seemed to be real fucked up over.”

The surges of emotion, they were the ones they tended to feel, whether on their own or for each other. Regrettably, it wasn’t always easy to tell when it was herself or it was him. Being tethered to someone like they were was emotionally draining and yet she couldn’t bring herself to hate it. She was stuck with it, but at least it was him, even if he was far from perfect.

“I’m not – I didn’t want you to.” She said, shaking her head and refusing to meet his gaze.

Seth remained firm, reaching for her although she flinched initially at his palm against her shoulder. “Doesn’t matter now. I did.”

For a little while they drove in silence but it was too heavy and Kate wanted nothing more than to disappear into the seat. She didn’t want him to see her like this, she didn’t want anyone to see her like this, to see what was wrong with her and her family so easily. She turned her head to look out the window as they passed by a park. She should be making sure that Scott got there okay. She should be making sure Scott got there at all.

Seth cut through the heaviness with questions – intrusive but she wasn’t sure what she expected. “There’s more wrong with your mother? Like a reason for you to be all paranoid over the… Pills, or whatever?”

She wished he would just forget about it, but apparently now he saw that he had grounds to ask more about it.

“Why do you care?”

“The fuck do you mean what do I care?”

“You don’t get to ask me about her, about all my private stuff when I know hardly anything about you!” Kate snapped. “You avoid almost every question, or you just change the subject entirely and now… Now you just kiss me. Embarrass me because it’s so easy to get me to shut up. I know you have just as much shit to deal with as I do. More, even. I know you’re… You’re…”

She hadn’t realised that she was breathing so heavily until it was beginning to get difficult, it got caught in her throat and her breaths got faster. Tears were rolling down her cheeks and the fact that she couldn’t breathe was overwhelming her. Why couldn’t she breathe?

All she could think about was her mother. And her brother. And her dad. And Seth.

Her mother lying back on the bed with her hands over her face, crying. Her mother’s faraway look as they drove. The time she took her and her brother out of school for the day to the aquarium hours away and for a little while they couldn’t find her. And they walked into the shark exhibit and there she was. She acted like she hadn’t walked away from them and Kate had never asked about it. She just accepted it. She shut her mouth because that was what you did.

Her brother, the way she’d caught him once in his bedroom crying and when she knew what some of the boys at school were doing… She hadn’t done anything. Maybe the bullying wasn’t bad now, and maybe Scott was tough, but it had happened and she had been more concerned with whether or not Kyle had thought her new dress was cute. She had been so selfish. Scott the boy she’d rejected for so long, even if she loved him. Her brother. He was her brother and she was awful to him.

Her daddy asleep in bed all day. Her daddy trying to hide bottles in the bottom of the trash but the clinking was still unmissable when she took it out. The fact that she couldn’t look in her neighbour’s eyes, the fact that she wasn’t sure he was doing anything but rotting away.

And Seth. She felt so inexplicably tied to him and it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that things didn’t go both ways because he refused to feel. It wasn’t fair that his refusal was residual, that she felt it, that she put it into action.

The sobbing wouldn’t stop and she couldn’t bring herself back to reality – and what was reality, anyway? This?

Seth had stopped the car and was holding onto her arms with alarm in his eyes. She crossed her arms over her chest and shook her head over and over. She felt like she was drowning in it all. She was a bad sister, and a bad daughter and… She had pushed him, she had yelled at him for not opening up to her and why would he want to anyway? She was just a kid with far too much sadness in her. She was so different now from the girl she had been once upon a time, she was worse. _She was worse_.

“Kate, Kate.” Seth was pleading with her and she looked at him, but nothing stopped. It just kept coming over her in waves again and again. No one could pull her back to shore.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She shook her head again and collapsed into herself and she didn’t let up, helping to lift her arms above her head gently. Wanting to resist his grasp, she pulled back but it was hard to do it when he was a lot stronger than she was.

“You gotta breathe, baby.”

“No, no, no.” She cried out but fought the instinct to keep going because she knew it would lead to something far worse, to her blacking out. She remembered this feeling now. When she was told about her mother, this is what happened, and she’d ended up in the emergency room because no one knew how to handle a fragile little girl. Always such a burden.

Kate tried to stop and slow her breathing, and apparently he had some idea what he was doing with her arms because slowly she came back to herself as it became easier to breathe. It took time, and her breathing would quicken again after a few moments but eventually, she got it under control. The aftershocks of her panic attack dissipated after a while and she was left with puffy sore cheeks and a particularly concerned looking Seth uncomfortably leaning across the middle console.

She didn’t speak because she didn’t know what to say. Should she be thanking him for not bolting out of there as fast as he could? She almost wished he would leave, but he was holding her hands in her lap and pushing her hair away from where it clung to her face.

“What do you want to know?” He asked, still leaning down to level with her so he could watch her carefully.

“What?” She asked, sniffing as she tried to press her hand against her wet eyes, taking his hand with it.

“About me. I’ll tell you whatever you want.”

Kate shook her head, the dejected feeling seeping back into her. “You don’t have to. You don’t owe me anything.”

Seth sighed and she tried to steel herself to whatever he was going to say, to not want to get upset with him, but he surprised her. “I’m not a big enough asshole to think that was all about me, princess, but if I’m making shit harder for you, I don’t want to be anymore.”

It was a sweet sentiment, and she would have kissed him if she didn’t feel so drained.

“I don’t have any questions right now.” Kate admitted, shrugging her shoulders. She was sure at any other moment she could have whipped up a whole word document of questions, she wondered so often everything about him. Now she was just too tired, she wanted to lay down, preferably with him but she knew she wouldn’t get the option. They hadn’t quite figured out how to decide when to show up and when to stay.

He pulled away after a little while, when he knew she was okay for the moment and began to drive her home, following her instructions. At one of the red lights, she shifted back into the driver’s seat and she had felt like crying again, but she didn’t.

-

Somewhere far away from Bethel, but not far enough, Seth Gecko was still staring off into space. He hadn’t seen someone act like that in a long time and seeing Kate like that… It was making it harder and harder to steel himself to whatever was blooming in his chest.

A car door slammed and he got up, hearing footsteps. Meeting half way, he found Richie with a look he couldn’t quite pin point.

“You ready?” He asked and Seth nodded dutifully.

“Yeah, yeah. Just gotta get my shit.”

There was something telling in his expression, it didn’t take a genius to pick it up.

 “Saw her again?” Richie asked, watching him.

It wasn’t supposed to work like this. He looked out for Richie. He wasn’t the one with the issues – as much as he’d fucking deck anyone who pointed out anything strange about his brother. It was his job to take care of them and make sure they got what they needed to survive. Maybe that was why he couldn’t hide what was going on. It seemed that the only person he could hide things from was Kate, like whatever had done this to him had allowed him to be able to keep her blissfully unaware.

“Yeah.” He nodded once more, with more feeling put into it.

“You’ll forget about it by the time we get on the road. Let’s not waste what little daylight we have left.”

They began towards the car and Seth let his brother drive.


	9. the worst of it

It was three days until she saw Seth again.

Of course she heard his hot take on things in her head ever now and then, as well as little words of encouragement.

For those three days she resigned herself to her room. She tried not to think about much, distracting herself with a laptop and three seasons of Veronica Mars. When she wasn’t doing that, she was avoiding unread messages or trying to move around the furniture in her room. Her bed had gone from up against the window, to the other end and then back again. She tried to go on a run, but unless she blared music loud enough to give her hearing damage it didn’t distract her. Moments of absolute peace were always interrupted.

It was just better not to think. When she did let her mind drift, it was usually to her brother’s hurt face, or it was when she heard her father’s grumbled words outside her door. Or when she thought about Seth calling her baby.

The memory of his gentle hands on her cheeks just added to her embarrassment over the whole episode, now that she was thinking clearly.

Earlier in the day she’d run herself a bath to sit in, an attempt at relaxation. Even a pretty bath bomb – part of a graduation gift from their neighbour – didn’t do much for her mood. When the tears started to form, she’d pushed herself forward and under the water for a moment, anything to just forget again. The pink water did about as much as anything else could, although she appreciated the sparkles dotted along her skin a she got out. Internally, she had decided that she was just going to have to get over it – all of it.

She wasn’t going to force Seth to tell her things and she wasn’t going to feel obliged to open up. She wasn’t going to fight with her brother. She wasn’t going to fight with her dad. Kate was going to let things be what they were.

Back in her room she dressed without much thought and flopped onto her bed, ready to open up her laptop before her phone began to ring. With concern in her features, she reached for it, pushing her hair behind her ear as she answered.

“Kyle?” It came out as a question. "Hey..."

“Hey, Kate, just thought I’d check in. You haven’t replied in a while.” It sounded like he was reading off a script. Like he had been practicing. “Anyway, I don’t know if you saw the messages or if you’ve been busy but… I figured we could maybe sit down and have a conversation about us? I know we’re on a break but now that everything is done…”

“Kyle.” She stopped him, her voice stern.

“Yeah?” He was always too nice for the girl she became after her mother. So gentle and kind. Maybe it was just too much for her.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” She tried to say it as nicely as she could.

“It’s been a while since grad, I’ve really missed you this summer, Katie.” Kyle continued and internally she groaned, but gritted her teeth and became determined.

If she had to be cruel, she would be cruel.

“Well I don’t miss you, okay? I’ve… I’ve found somebody else. I’m done with whatever we were. Please, for everyone’s sake, move on.” She hung up quickly, knowing she shouldn’t have said anything else, but she also should have made their break up definitive a long time ago. Placing her phone down she winced as she thought about how he had probably taken her admission.

It didn’t take long for texts to start pouring in from Louise, ever nosy and interested in her life – and then from Caroline who was ‘just worried about her’. There was one from Scott, but it only said that he’d be home late. He hadn’t asked for her to give him a ride for a while but she still intended to eventually check out his job for herself.

Pushing her phone further away from her, she tried to focus on the episode appearing on screen, putting the sound up louder as she watched Logan and Veronica have a fast paced conversation. Hugging her knees to her chest, they took up the entire next half an hour as she found herself engrossed in a mystery that she knew would come to a conclusion. Tiny blonde private detective would apprehend the perpetrator and things would be okay. That was how it worked.

Maybe Kate wished her life was like TV.

_Tiny auburn haired small town girl moves on with her life, gets to be happy and fucks older man._

-

Eventually, the silence that had her house feeling empty disappeared.

Shutting the screen as she heard footsteps, on strange instinct, almost like a child she sat up in her bed and pulled her blanket up. The heavy thump of them moving up the stairs made anxiety course through her like she was becoming numb, icing her veins. She pulled the blanket over her head and held her breath. It didn’t sound like Scott – it could be her dad, but if it was her dad that didn’t stop her from hiding there like it was going to protect her.

In a blink or maybe less, she knew she wasn’t underneath her own blanket anymore. It was a sheet, a pristine white and she lifted it up hesitantly to reveal Seth. Dress shirt, slacks, tattoo peeking out of his collar. Freshly shaved too, she had to say she appreciated that. He looked better than the last time she’d seen him, somehow.

For a moment they just stared at each other, and it made her worried that he didn’t want to be pushing her back into beds anymore. And it would make sense to her if she didn’t. She was sure if she’d done that in front of Kyle – no matter how _gosh darn nice_ he was – he would have bolted.

“The hell you doing, kid?” He asked, pushing the sheet down to her shoulders and she shrugged.

“You look good.” It wasn’t that bold a compliment, but the surge of confidence was something she was trying to run with. _No more crying_ , she told herself.

“You look better.” She wasn’t sure if he meant in comparison to the last time or in comparison to him.

If it was the latter, he must have really liked her – considering her tights, loose t-shirt and hair tied back messily. Strands of hair had fallen into her face because the blanket had messed them up. She pulled at the hem of her shirt and he responded by reaching for her side, his hand grasping at her leg to move her closer. In response she moved it away, crawling to close the pace and move into his lap as he leaned back against the headboard. With a leg on either side of him, she felt a little bit powerful.

“You’re in motel rooms again.” She noted, hands taking their place at his shoulders. This particular motel room wasn’t exactly nice, with water stains ruining the white paint and the pattern of the carpet not hiding the parts of it that would make her crinkle her nose. However, the bed was okay. It was big, and she liked big.  

Seth raised his eyebrows at her, his own hands moving down her thighs to rest close to her ass. “Nothing gets by you, huh?”

“Where were you before, with your brother and that older guy?” She asked, the pads of her thumbs moving over his shirt. The material felt nicer than some of the ones he had worn, like it was washed with softener rather than put through coin operated laundromats.

“The older guy was my uncle Eddie. Practically raised me and my brother after our dad died, taught us everything we know.” Her hand moved up his shoulder, fingers taking hold of the collar as he explained. An answer without having to ask a million times? She could pass out from the shock. The fact about his father was another thing to add to her list, one that made her feel a tinge of pity underneath her struggle to feel nothing at all.

“It seemed like he made you really happy.” She smiled and then moved forward, ducking her head so she could prop her chin onto his elbow, no longer looking at him.

“He does. We owe him a lot.” Seth pursed his lips and nodded, almost awkwardly.

They sat there for a while longer before Kate decided she was done with the conversation. She sat back up and searched his face, noting that he looked like he wanted to say something. She didn’t give him the option. Lips pressed to his – that was when she felt good. She was more aggressive with him, hands gripping the sides of his neck and then reaching back to pull at his short hair. Seth groaned into her mouth and held onto her back as she opened her mouth, allowing him access to her tongue.

She took it as encouragement and began to grind her hips down, the thin fabric of her tights doing a lot for her even if she wished it was a skirt. He did too, she knew that much. Easy access to the part of her he’d daydreamed about. It was good, to feel so wanted, to know that she could make him moan if she wanted to.

In a bold move she took one of his hands in hers as she kissed down his jaw, hearing his heavy breath and pushed it underneath her shirt. It took him a moment, but she prompted with her smaller one, pushing it up further. His hand felt good on her bare stomach but as soon as his fingers reached the swell of her breast she was moving her hips against him again.

He muttered a curse word and squeezed, and she smiled softly, moving her mouth back to his and began to try and undo the buttons of his shirt. She felt hazy, pushed forward by whatever felt good and this felt _good_.

When he finally pulled back, she frowned at the loss of contact, although she was still straddling him and holding on to one of the buttons. Her breathing was heavy and he kept her close. She hadn’t expected him to actually stop her. Maybe protest a little, but didn’t he want this?

“You don’t think we should talk about shit a little more?” He looked more than a little dishevelled as he spoke.

“Why?” The confusion became thinly veiled annoyance, so Kate kissed him again, running her hands through his hair.

Again, he pulled back and she was left there, her eyes shut until he spoke again and she shifted back. “You were all upset about me not opening up just a few days ago, you think I’m not gonna notice the change?”

“You’re an asshole.” It came out quickly, a huffed response as she moved back.

“’Scuse me?” Seth tipped his head to the side.

Kate rolled off him entirely, shaking her head in annoyance as it built and built. If she could have pushed back to her own reality she would have done it. Of course all of a sudden it was on her to be the one to talk about everything. In the heat of the moment, she let her mouth speak freely. “Well you already know my dad is an alcoholic. So let’s hear it, what was _your_ dad like?”

“Don’t.” He warned, face taking on a quality she couldn’t pin it down to something.

“Come on, I can feel it… I can feel that dull awful pain whenever someone brings him up, when I’m not there. I can feel it right now, Seth. Don’t you wanna talk?” Deep down, she felt awful for her words, but it was too late. Whatever cruel part of her she hadn’t known before, it had come to take her over. She was being unkind in ways which she never knew herself to be and he was on the receiving end, glowering.

With perfect timing, there was a knock at the door. Kate whipped her head around with wide eyes. They were in her bedroom – both of them. She hadn’t noticed the shift, but Seth was already doing up his button and kicking his legs off to the side.

“Katie…” Her father’s voice rang out. She moved off the bed and towards the door, hand hovering over the knob. “You awake?”

It was four thirty in the afternoon last she’d checked. Surely hours hadn’t gone by. That meant he was drunk, either that or worried about her mental health. She almost said yes and allowed him in, but thought better of it, taking her bottom lip into her mouth to gnaw on undecidedly. She didn’t want to talk to him, not with Seth there. She pulled her hand back.

But Seth didn’t give her the opportunity to continue to cower there behind the door. He turned the handle and she looked alarmed, moving back so she wasn’t there in the doorway. Her dad was moving away, and she felt like she could already smell alcohol on him. Looking at the man beside her, she silently stared in alarm. He was stony faced, in a way that scared her.

“Why don’t you ask him about your mother?” He asked, nodding his head towards her father.  “You wonder if he was drunk don’t you? And the pills. And the shit your brother said. What better time than right now to get some god damn answers?”

He was right, and she hated it. She hated that she brought this on herself by pushing him. It would be easy there like this, with her daddy drunk and not as easily able to lie to her face. With everything put together, she knew now that there was more to it, but she had resisted asking. Asking made it real.

“I don’t want to know.” She hissed, reaching for the door but he held it in place.

“You should. You care about her or not?” He continued to prompt, although he didn’t do anything but hold the door there. Kate stopped and took a step forward, feeling helpless.

“Daddy…” She called out to him and he stopped, turning around. Walking over to him, she forced a smile and pushed her hair out of her face as Seth, invisible to him beside her gave her father a once over. She could still feel that dull pain from her cruel reminder, but she knew that he didn’t like her dad for all that his actions had made her feel.

“Oh, hey Katie… I was jus’ checking on you. Need to some rest, but I was gonna tell you about… I’ll see ah- I’ll see about that job helping the Morgans’ in the morning.” She didn’t remember what he was talking about, maybe a conversation they’d had a while ago. He seemed sad and tired, probably because of all the drinking. That was something she remembered well from school now, that alcohol was a depressant.

“Dad.” Kate didn’t know how to keep speaking, how to ask the question she wanted to ask.

All he did in response was stand still and stare at her expectantly.

Eventually, she forced it out, almost choking on her own words. “What happened to momma? Why was she having migraines?”

Her father looked hurt, shaking his head as he spoke. “Ka… Katie you know what happened. They told you about the car… You know…”

“Ask him, Kate.” Seth had his arms crossed over his chest. He was so angry, and she didn't quite know if it was for her anymore.

_No crying_. She had already told herself that. Even when her eyes filled with tears, she reminded herself once more. She pushed them back and stood taller. “I wanna know the truth.”

 “There’s nothing…”

And she snapped, again. Maybe it was Seth’s anger that prompted her, or maybe it was her own, all the stuff she’d tried to force down again.

“I want to know. Stop lyin’ to me! All you do now is get drunk and lie. You don’t have a stable job… You’re never around. I know you terrorised the bar in town and they won’t let you in anymore. And you know, I thought it was just because you felt guilty. And I didn’t blame you… Because of course you would but I don’t think that’s it anymore.”

It poured and poured out of her and made her want to throw up. Kate would never have spoken this way to him before, but it all felt like fair game now, if everything in her life was bullshit.

“Stop.” His voice was low, barely audible but Kate was determined.

“No! I keep remembering the look on her face the night I saw her crying and I knew… I knew it wasn’t the first time. I need you to tell me what happened.” She demanded, holding herself together just barely there in the hallway. The dim light from the window made it hard to guess what he was thinking, and his replied were slow, but she was going to get it out of him.

“She wouldn't have wanted this.” He warned.

It was too late now to tell herself not to cry, because a tear was rolling down her cheek in a blaze of anger and hurt. She couldn’t keep going like this. “Don’t you dare tell me what she would have wanted.”

“She wanted you kids to think of positively… To think back with love not with…” Her daddy tried to reason but she challenged him.

“With what?”

“With shame.” He shook his head, and for a moment, it was almost like he was sober, and that he was her dad, the preacher that the town looked up to. And then her world collapsed as he continued. “That night… Your mother was so sad, Katie. And no matter what I did and what I said, I couldn't... I couldn’t.”

“No.” She held her hand over her mouth. Her mother had…

She wouldn’t let herself believe it. She would rather live in ignorance.

It was too much for her to deal with, even if it was the truth. She wished she could just block her ears and sing church songs until she stopped thinking about it. Tackling this was too much for her.

 “I’m sorry, sweetheart.” Jacob in front of her had tears in his eyes too.

“You were trying to save her… And… And she killed herself.” Saying it out loud felt like a stab to the gut, and she flinched and shifted back as he tried to reach for her. “Don’t touch me.”

“I’m so sorry…” He ambled away, or maybe Kate pushed him towards his room – she couldn't remember.

There in the empty hallway, she felt a hand turning her around. She knew it was Seth but she fought it because he had done this to her. He made her find out the truth and he knew it would hurt. He had to have known. “No…” She said, almost catatonic, holding her hands over her face.

“I said don’t–” He hugged her anyway, her balled up fists against his shirt. Even if she resented him for pushing her. Even if she hated him and she hated her father and she hated the whole god damn world. For that moment she just needed something. Her reaction was slow and layered, a mess of confusion and shock. It wasn’t crying till she couldn’t remember how to breathe, it was numbness. She pressed her face into his chest and eventually her tears soaked his dress shirt, feeling seeping into her in the same way. Then it was sobbing, her heartbreak evident in the way they left her. Fractured, ending and starting up again as she remembered.

And he held her.

And they stood there for minutes or hours.

And she didn’t feel better or worse.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back to feeling iffy about this update but i'm gonna keep going. you might get another double update depending on whether or not i do my uni work tonight/tomorrow.


	10. church

_“Look, I don’t know who she is.” Seth grumbled, dropping his burger in distaste at the conversation. He wiped his greasy hands off on a napkin, throwing that down too as he looked out the window at the expanse of empty. A few cars drove past and he tried to block out Richie talking, sipping loudly on his soda. It had been hours of this, relentless questioning as his brother tried to psychoanalyse him. It was more than Seth could sit through, which was why they’d ended up somewhere that he could at least focus on something else._

_He didn’t even have answers for it all, he wasn’t sure how long it had been, maybe just under a month, and he didn’t tell him about all of it, but enough. They’d been through all the possibilities – from mental illness to ghosts – although he was sure more would come up once Richie started researching._

_It would be easier if he didn’t feel such innate loyalty to him, but that was the way things were. The Gecko brothers were a package deal, this was their life and it would be like this as long as both their hearts were beating. He told him almost god damn everything – especially the things that could hinder them._

_“And you’re sure she’s real?” Richie asked, expression still filled with too much concern._

_“I swear to whatever higher power it is you believe in, she’s real.” He deadpanned._

_“Yeah, but you see that just doesn’t make sense.”_

_Seth groaned._

_“Wow, really? I had no fucking idea that seeing some girl in my head and like–” He moved his hand around, grasping for the words. “Appearing in her life wasn’t completely normal. Thanks for changing my perspective.”_

_Richie responded by sneering._

_It didn’t seem like this was going to get sorted out easily, and although he didn’t necessarily want to be spouting shit that would get him committed, he had to assume it would go both ways. He’d always had faith in his brother_

_“She hot at least?” Seth tried not to fumble at that. He didn’t want to have to answer it. He wasn’t a good man, but he had been trying not to be a bad one._

_“Shut up, Richard.”_

_“I’m just saying it would be a bummer if she wasn’t.”_

_“Eat your god damn burger.”_

_It was that day that Richie made it his personal mission to try and help him stop it all. That was the only solution after Seth denied him the opportunity to find Kate. He knew it wouldn’t be hard to do it, not that he was some sort of professional tracker. And at that point, he could almost assume that if he asked she’d tell him. They weren’t the most open people with each other, but they were open enough for his liking. He didn’t want to find her. She was safe where she was, living her life._

-

It was hard to lock someone out when they have access to your head, but Kate was making her best effort. If she could build a brick wall around her bed that would have kept him from it, she would have. It was easier in the day, when she could just ignore him. In the night, if they showed up in each other’s beds, tired wrecks it was harder. She’d even just slept in the backseat of the Gecko brothers' car without a question or a look. She _had_ noticed the exhaustion in his demeanour, it seemed he wasn’t getting much sleep if any.

He’d already gone through all of his options to get her to let up on the silent treatment. From ‘Katie’ to ‘baby girl’ and she had gotten so good at pretending he wasn’t there that he seemed to question it too.

Sometimes he just… stared at her. His brown eyes full of emotion that made her want to kick him off the bed. She’d stare at the ceiling instead, or turn her body entirely, tugging on the blanket. He had made his attempts to get her to speak to him, but he’d already pushed her far enough. Maybe he was smart enough to see that much.

He didn’t apologise and she didn’t expect him to.

She wasn’t doing much better in the sleep department, but she wasn’t the one who had been sitting through long car rides with a particularly talkative brother. In fact, she hadn’t seen much of Scott at all lately. That was on her, though, she’d been out a lot more.

Caroline had made it her personal mission to cheer her up as well as to get information out of her, especially considering their big trip was in a few days. Kate was dreading it, the idea of having to spend a weekend in a house with Kyle sounded like hell to her. He’d been radio silent as of late, and she appreciated that, but she also knew from her friends that he wasn’t exactly over it all. Her feelings towards him were less wishy-washy and more or less branching into the department of dislike. 

As for her little excursions out of the house, they were as varied as they were draining. She’d been on about three hikes, in all of which she fell behind. The world was a pretty place but Kate had quit cheerleading in sophomore year and hadn’t taken on another sport since – her fitness was lacking. She’d managed one trip to the local pool before the fact that it was abuzz with kids made her want to smash her head on the bottom of it. Shopping was nice enough if you had money, and she did not. Instead she got pitying stares and offers to pay. Kate officially hated the phrase ‘you can make it up to me’ – as well as any and all pet names.

She was trying to accept the new reality, once again. That being the one no one else but Seth knew, and she was going to keep it that way. Her mother wouldn’t have wanted people to know her business and telling her friends would risk that. What did she owe them anyway?

Kate was trying to be normal. Enjoying her summer was part of that, and so was ignoring Seth, no matter how difficult it was.

-

Stretching out on the back porch with a drink in hand, she sipped and sighed as the sun began to set. New methods of relaxation meant that she had considered for a second pouring what little alcohol there was left in the house into her drink, but she wasn’t quite that far over the edge yet. She was holding out for worse to happen.

Rock bottom didn’t seem to exist.

Hearing the back door slide open, she pushed her sunglasses up onto her forehead, sitting up properly. Noting that it was Scott, she peered away and took a particularly long sip of her drink.

“Can’t find the keys.” He told her, scuffing his feet shoving his hands into his jean pockets. Kate narrowed her eyes.

“You need the car?” She clarified, now squinting as she stared out at their backyard. The grass was too long, she should bother Scott about cutting it. Or maybe she could do it, not that she knew how.

“Work.” Scott continued the awkward and annoyed routine, looking into the backyard too and then up to the sky. Her daddy had announced soon after graduation that he had sold their mother’s car and it was gone the next day – there was only hers and their father’s truck.

“Well how have you been getting there every time you don’t use it?”

“Walking, but I figured if it’s dark I might as well.”                                                                     

She already knew that would be his answer, but she had hoped maybe she’d be wrong. She’d had hopes that maybe someone was giving him a ride.

“Why don’t I just drive you?”

“No.”

“Come on, I have to get some things anyway, dad actually came home sober yesterday. With money.”

That felt like a lie in her mouth, despite the fact that it was true. She didn’t want to be giving her brother false hope, but their dad had come home with money. And he was sober. She just didn’t mention how he came back three hours later and passed out on their front porch. Kate hadn’t noticed him until well into the night after she heard him groaning there, scaring the crap out of her. She’d approached with a bat and everything.

“Can’t you just let me have it this once?” There was pleading in his voice, but it bounced right off her.

She downed what was left of her drink, turning in her chair towards him “Scott, stop being dramatic.”.

“I’m not.”

“Will you stop being so upset with me if I look into treatment, for dad?” She raised her eyebrows.

It didn’t take much convincing after that. Scott felt helpless in the middle of the two of them, like he couldn’t make things better on his own. For once it wasn’t so much of an empty promise on her part, although she supposed a quick google search would let her keep her conscience. Maybe it would be a good idea.

-

Unlike the last time, they didn’t speak much as she drove and it was for the best. Night was setting on their small town and it was quiet out considering it was a weeknight. Music played quietly from her radio until Scott turned it up louder. Even with the darkness and the windows wound down the heat still got to her. The car felt stuffy, full of everything they couldn’t quite say to each other. They weren’t even pretending to get along, she just happened to be driving him somewhere.

By the time they pulled up at the church, he was practically itching to get out.

Kate shifted forward to pull her hair away from her neck and back. Leaning closer to her window, she stared out at the relatively large, old building. It was big and typical, the white paint and grey roof. It got repainted every now and then, and thankfully only usually needed minor repairs. It used to be like a second home to her.

“Bye.” Scott had mumbled before shutting the door and she had waved him off lazily without giving him a glance. Her eyes had followed him up to the door of the church and then up the architecture of the familiar building.

When she was young she used to imagine being on the top of the cross that stood above it all, staring down at the town before her. Maybe she wouldn’t actually be able to see that much, maybe she would just get a good view of the cemetery.

She imagined living in the upper parts that the windows opened into too, where she had imagined there were rooms, but hadn’t until she was older realised that all of it was just empty space. If you stood in the right place inside you could see those pretty windows, full of colour. They weren’t like the rest, some of which had been replaced to showcase stories from the Bible. Back then on Sundays the Mary beside their pew would distract her and she’d daydream, but that was before they’d started making her sit right up front. It was big and pretty to her back then – she hadn’t seen it in a while.

In fact, the last time she’d been to church at all had been so long ago. Somewhere in the last several months, but she couldn’t pin point it. The memory wasn’t so unclear or hazy, just the date. She remembered the first of the men who replaced her father’s big, smiling face. He scared her, maybe that was why she didn’t want to come back.

That and how different he had intended for it to look – he insisted that it needed an update but Kate didn’t see what was wrong with the red carpet or the pews. It didn’t need an update, but it was out of her power. There was cream carpet now, and she wasn’t sure about everything else. It really had been a while.

She had been praying privately since then, if she prayed at all. Some of it was habit, like when she found herself getting on her knees before bed, but then she realised she didn’t know what to say.

It wasn’t like she couldn’t just get out of the car and go in. The car was already in park, and it was unlikely that she’d get in trouble for stopping there. She shifted back from where she had been leaning against the window and hesitantly opened the door. She left her phone in the cup holder that she usually did, taking the keys out as she stepped onto the curb.

Pushing the thin straps of her sundress up as she began up the path to the door, she forced her feet forward. She paused at the door for a moment before her bravery won out and she pulled it open.

It actually wasn’t all that different. The carpet was still a cream colour that she immediately hated, but the pews were the same. The cross and the crown of thorns was still there, and the old organ that she’d never quite been able to play.

The room wasn’t well lit, but she walked through anyway, still holding her keys tightly in her hand. Once she reached the first pew she paused, placing her hand against it.

_Preacher’s daughter prays again._

Kate gritted her teeth and took a deep breath, trying to let go of her annoyance at least while she was in church. Seth seemed to say things like that out of habit. Or maybe out of obligation to be an asshole. Taking a seat, she leaned on her elbows, clasping her hands together.

“I know it’s been a while…”

It wasn’t as hard to pray as she thought it would be. First it was just explanation, or her hopes for her brother. Eventually it got harder and harder not to just let everything out, about her parents and about Seth. It all came pouring out and it didn’t feel bad to do it. Her voice was low and there was no one in the room to hear her but God.

In the middle of a spiel about her future, she heard something.

“I just want to know if I’m doing the right thing...”

It was just a door shutting, but it made her stop. Wincing a little, she opened one eye to look up at the front of the room, but there wasn’t much besides for the shadows it was shrouded in. She doubled down on her commitment to the prayer, trying to round it up but again, there was noise. A voice. Probably the pastor’s or her brother's. She’d almost forgotten that they were there at all.

Maybe she should meet him properly, make sure her brother was doing well. That was the thing she used to justify getting up from where she sat, finishing her prayer prematurely. Picking up her car keys, she began her decent further into the church that had once been a second home to her. A place she used to play with dolls as her father worked on speeches. Where she’d once tried to hold a statue’s hand and almost knocked it over. Where she and Scott had played hide and go seek. It held a lot of good memories, but she looked back at it all differently now.

Maybe not sadly, or angrily, but certainly differently to the way she had. Context changed everything.

As she approached, the voices got easier to hear. She definitely heard her brother, which gave her the confidence to move towards the door off to the side of the pulpit. Without much hesitation, she reached for the handle and found it was locked with a frown. Balling her hand up into a fist, she knocked twice and any noise coming from the other side faded away.

“Scott? It’s just me…” She called out, furrowing her brows. She heard protests and the lock being undone, it only made her more concerned.

When the door swung open, she saw her brother and the pastor she’d seen once or twice, but there was also someone else, someone she noticed immediately right behind her brother. She reacted without thought, letting her mouth act before her brain.

“Richie?”


	11. at last, my love

It took only a few more seconds for Kate to release that Richie was holding a gun.

And not only that, to her brother’s back.

“How do you know my name?” He asked and she faltered.

The panic set in and she couldn’t quite keep up with what exactly she should be doing. Her blood ran cold and she stood staring in all her shock and confusion. Why would Richie be there? It didn’t make any sense. The few seconds that she had wondered if Seth had something to do with this went away quickly, because then Richie would know who she was.

“What? No… I don’t… I…” Of course her brain began to work again when it was too late, and even then on her best days she wasn’t sure she could come up with an excuse for this.

As she stood there staring up at him with wide green doe eyes, it felt different to seeing him when she was with Seth. Maybe it was the fact that she’d never had those blue eyes under the horn-rimmed glasses trained on her before. He was just as tall, dressed just the same. Her cheeks warmed with embarrassment, the kind that mingled with fear and she took a step back.

“Kate?” She turned her attention to Scott, who was frowning. He was focused on her, like he wasn’t even really scared of the gun. “You should go.”

She was.

“I won’t.” She stood her ground because she was watching Richie’s hand, his arm bent and holding that gun towards her brother. There had to be something she could say. She jumped at the first thing, another case of her mouth working before her brain, but it might work. It could work. “I know your brother. Seth.”

Richie didn’t say anything in response, he just stared at her, so hard that it felt like it was burning into her.

He lowered the gun.

Kate hadn’t realised that she was holding in a breath. She exhaled but the tone of the moment didn’t shift, not yet. For a moment, she looked into the room properly. She knew it well enough, it served as an office of sorts, although it looked a little more full than usual. She couldn’t see all the way in, but she assumed the closet in the corner was still there, with the mirror inside the door. Richie was the first to speak again, the tension not having lifted until words left his lips and surely he knew it. Her brother continues to look scared shitless and she hated it, because it wasn’t for himself, it was for her.

“Kate. My brother mentioned you.” He spoke her name slowly, like he was trying it out for the first time, like it was familiar to him.  

“He did?” She raised her eyebrows.

It didn’t make sense. Why would Seth have mentioned her? Unless he was interested in being labelled crazy. Surely if Richie knew she’d be aware of that. There was silence and Kate finally noticed that the pastor in the back had shifted further into the room. He looked pissed off but she couldn’t pin point exactly what had been happening. Judging by Richie and the gun… probably something illegal. There was too much to focus on.

“Let’s go find him.” He decided and she took a step back, her eyes going big and wide. He was calm and collected.

“What?” She choked out, looking to Scott who reached out for her hand. “No, my brother… I can’t just…”

Richie moved out from behind him. “Your brother will be fine. And I’m not going to hurt you. You said you know Seth. Do you have any reason to be scared of him?”

“No.”

“Then what reason do you have to be scared of me?”

She looked away, hesitantly considering it. He had a point, and she wasn’t necessarily scared of him, not like she had been moments before, although she assumed that was influenced by something else. Richie, however, wasn’t really planning on waiting and prodded her back, standing near her. She hadn’t forgotten the gun. He towered over her now that he was beside her and she had to focus on Scott. Remembering what was in her hand, she dropped the car keys from where they had been tightly in her grip, creating red marks on her palm.

She held them out. “Scott, take the keys.”

“Kate, what the fuck? Don’t go with him! He’s dangerous.” He protested, grabbing her wrist as she attempted to turn away.

Almost in a haze, she responded. Reassuring and yet stiff, unsure. “It’s fine, Scott.”

He took a breath, his grip unrelenting and her heart dropped.

“He was giving us drugs. That’s my job.”

“What?”

The world was back momentarily, but it faded away again. She needed to pick something to focus on and it couldn’t be this. Scott would still be there tomorrow and she could already feel Seth. He hadn’t said anything, but he had to know she was coming.

“Come on, Katie. You and Scott can discuss this later. I’m sure Seth is waiting.” Richie insisted, moving between the siblings and pulling Scott’s hand from her.

“I’ll be back, okay? And I’m gonna kick your ass, you little shit.” She reassured her brother as she pulled back.

“Kate!”

“I’ll be back.”

Turning away, she rubbed her wrist with her fingers, leading the way out of the church until she realised that she didn’t know where Richie had parked. He moved in front of her and pushed the door open. The sun was all the way down now but it wasn’t a lot to adjust to, the church had already been dim. She wasn’t sure what to say to him, so she said nothing and focused on getting herself in check for the car ride to the motel, however long that may have been.

-

Underneath heavy tension played an Elvis Presley song and Kate had caught herself humming along at some point during their drive. Every time she looked at the man beside her driving, he would glance back at her, but he said nothing and that made her quiet and unsure.

Seth didn’t show up, not that she expected him to. Not that he had control of it.

She didn’t know if she should be scared or excited. She also felt like she was missing something important but couldn’t pin point the source. There was too much to be conflicted about, she focused on the empty stretch of road. It felt much later than it was, it was so dark. She stopped recognising where they were once they were away from the church, but that was because she couldn’t quite focus. There were two empty sodas in the cup holders, the ice long melted. He’d turned on the A/C when they got in the car but turned it off five minutes later when he caught her shifting away from it.

“How far away is the motel?” She asked, after what felt like half an hour. It was probably closer to ten minutes.

“Few more miles.” He replied, not turning to look at her. His hands rested at the top of the steering wheel and she followed them down to his shoulders, up to his face once more.

“We _are_ going to the motel, aren’t we?”

“I haven’t decided.” She froze and it was like she could hear Seth swearing at him for it, but it was indistinct and faded as Richie realised her fear building up. “I meant it when I said I wasn’t going to hurt you, okay? Don’t freak out.”

She swallowed thickly and sat back in her seat, tuning forward again. “Why did you say you knew who I was? Seth told you about…”

“Vaguely. He never told me your name.”

“Then how did you…” She left it open ended but he answered quickly.

“It made the most sense, considering it all.”

So he'd just put it together. It shouldn't make sense, but stranger things had happened to her as of late. She smiled faintly and realised that maybe it did make total sense.

“He said you were smart.”

“He was right.” That made Richie grin, looking over at her directly.

Things were quiet again, for only a moment longer.

“He’s said your name in his sleep before, too.” He admitted, shrugging a shoulder.

There was nothing to say in response, she raised her eyebrows and looked down, pushing her hands into her lap. Her palms her sweaty. If Seth loved him so much, she didn’t think he could be someone to fear, not really. Maybe that was exactly why she wasn’t freaking out, because Seth wouldn’t want her to. He trusted him with his whole life, it seemed. His brother was the person he loved most, that was obvious to her, it was something she could see between the two of them that tied them together.

She realised what she was missing.

“I don’t have my phone… I left it in the car, oh my god…” Her voice became closer to frantic, knowing that Scott would be out of his mind with worry. She wanted to tell him to turn around but he quelled her with a simple gesture, pulling his own phone from his jacket pocket and holding it out to her. She took it timidly, her fingers swiping over his. “Thank you.”

“Better tell your brother you’re safe before he calls the cops or does something else stupid.”

She did just that.

-

They stopped off in a fast food drive-thru and Kate felt too sick to order anything, but he got her a milkshake anyway. For himself, he ordered a regular fries and they pulled into a parking space. She sipped the milkshake once to be polite, staring out into the dark awkwardly. It was silent since he had turned the car off, and all she could hear was him moving beside her.

“Why would he tell you about me?” She asked, and cursed herself for doing it. “I mean… Wouldn’t you just assume the worst?”

“What’s the worst?” He replied and proceeded to clean his pointer finger of salt between his lips.

“I don’t know… That something was wrong with him?” She knew to tread carefully and yet she was repeatedly putting her foot in it. There was no gentle way to imply that someone might think the both of them were crazy for seeing and feeling each other.

“And that would mean what?”

Kate shook her head. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean it like that. I just… You guys must share a lot.”

“He’s my brother.” Richie shrugged and finished off what remained of his fries. Kate could no longer pretend to enjoy the milkshake so she held it between her legs. She wished she could have felt comfortable sharing all of it with Scott, but he already thought she was off the rails.

“I know.” She replied sadly, turning to look out the window. Richie started up the car again.

-

There wasn’t time to discuss everything, even if she wanted to ask what the hell Richie was doing supplying drugs to her brother. She wanted to know how any of this had occurred, the drugs and the church and her brother. It was a conversation for another time as they finally did pull into the motel parking lot. The car turned off and the quiet lasted only a few moments before footsteps rattled down the stairs in front of them and she pushed open her door.

Seth always looked so tired, but this was something else. His hair was a mess, his jacket flapped in the wind as he stormed towards his brother. He was there, real in the world and not something in her head but she could feel anger radiating off him, burning in her. She balled up her hand into a fist and slammed the door shut, watching as Seth ripped the other car door open, not allowing Richie the courtesy of waiting.

“You fucking idiot. Why the fuck would you bring her here?” She crossed her arms over her chest, suddenly feeling defensive.

“You think she wouldn’t have asked me to?” Richie retorted, stepping out of the car as his brother continued to hold the door hard enough to turn his knuckles white.

“How did you find her?” There was accusation in his voice now and she tried to make herself walk from her side of the car to him, to distract him, to do absolutely anything to help the situation. She was still filled to the brim with bitterness at her new reality but he was _there_. That kind of yearning, to be near him and to know he wouldn’t fade away in a matter of minutes, it wouldn’t go away.

“Happy coincidence.” Richie beamed and all hell broke loose.

One moment she was watching them stare at each other, the next Seth was swinging at him and they were knocked back into the car.

“Seth!” She sprang into action – at least as much as she could manage, moving around the back of the car as Seth held Richie up against it by his shirt. “Get off him!” He didn’t budge.

She wasn’t sure if she could step towards him, or if she wanted to, but she didn’t want to watch two idiot brothers fight each other in a parking lot. Blood faintly trickled from the corner of Richie’s mouth and he stared down at Seth, who still had fury in his eyes, even for a moment as he turned to her.

“This isn’t over.” He told his brother, holding up a finger before releasing his shirt and pulling back. Richie dusted himself off and reached into his pocket for a pack of cigarettes. As he lit up she noticed that Seth was staring at the ground. She took it as opportunity and stepped forward.

“You talking to me now?” He asked, as she took a few more and paused.

“Don’t.” Kate didn’t mean to, but the word came out choked up by tears, and that was all the prompting he needed to move towards her, wrapping her up in his arms.

Denying the overwhelming need to cry, she closed her eyes and crumbled up into him. He moved a hand to the strands of hair that had fallen into her face and pressed a kiss to the crown of her head. So gentle was now the man who had been so violent moments earlier. And yet she knew he loved his brother dearly, and it was more than he could feel for her, than he did in that moment.

“I can’t believe you’re actually here.” She mumbled, almost weakly as she chuckled. Pulling back to free her hand, she reached for his cheeks, smiling like nothing had happened. It was more important to take in the moment, to finally be with each other than to think about everything else.

“Can’t believe it either, sweetheart.” Same smile, same tired eyes. It wasn’t mocking, there was something genuine in the sweet nickname.

Up on her toes, she kissed him, lingering for a moment before she pulled back and made sure. Then again, again, again, peppering kisses against his mouth because he was real. It was real, after all the time she had spent wondering if she had just been imagining the affection. He was there in flesh and bone and she…

“I still don’t forgive you, for what happened with my dad.” She blurted it out, breathing heavy. Anything so she wouldn’t say it.

He paused, bringing his hand to her cheek, his thumb brushing over her skin like he it was the first time in years, like they were lovers torn apart and brought back together, beautiful and epic and sad. “Sorry to say it, but I don’t really give a shit right now. You’re fucking real.”

“Yeah, I’m real.” She rolled her eyes, choked up again with emotion.

For a while longer, they stayed there and he pulled her into another hug, practically lifting her off her feet. She could see Richie off to the side, finishing up his cigarette and glancing over at them like he wasn’t quite sure what to do. She wasn’t sure about him, but she was glad he had brought her even if there were questions to be asked.

“Can we go inside or are you guys planning on re-enacting a whole Mills and Boon classic right here in the parking lot? Because I can unlock car.” He called out, prompting them to disentangle.

Seth gave him a look but he looked proud of the joke and Kate could only smile awkwardly as they began up the steps. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT HAPPENED. wow. my babies seeing each other in the flesh. it took a little while for me to figure out exactly where i was going from the last chapter so i'm happy to finally be able to give you this one.


	12. the driveway

After twenty minutes on the phone with Scott, convincing him that she would come right back in an hour or so, she felt antsy. The prospect of only an hour there in that motel room was simultaneously too much time and not enough.

Her hand still on top of the phone in the motel room, she sighed and sat back on the unkempt bed that Seth had been sleeping in as the brothers had a hushed argument on the other side of the room. It was a relatively large space, if they hadn’t been so inwardly focused maybe they would have heard what she’d said, but she’d spoken in hushed tones regardless. She wondered if they were still bickering about her and it made her feel a bout of frustration, pursing her lips and breathing out harshly. She let it go.

Glancing at them, Richie noticed her first and kicked Seth’s foot.

He looked over at her. “You alright?”

“Yeah.” She nodded solemnly and got up from the bed.

With Richie there, it made her second guess just slipping into his lap. She wanted to though, more than anything in that moment. Being close to him had taken priority in her mind, because she didn’t know how long she’d have. She meant it when she said he wasn’t forgiven, not quite yet, but to be together for real had brought the important things to the forefront of her mind. He was important to her. Whatever they were, _that_ was important to her.

Instead of doing anything she actually wanted to, she moved to the end of the bed, since their two seats were taken. They shuffled to face her and she pursed her lips, wondering where to start.

“So this is really just coincidental?” Kate asked, unsure which of them she should be looking at. She was so inclined to believe them, based off of everything she’d seen that night, and yet there was still that small part of her that worried.

“It’s fate.” Her gaze snapped to Richie, who was sitting up taller.

“Shut up.” Seth interrupted. “We weren’t looking for you, kid. I can promise you that. I actually don’t know how the fuck this happened.”

“And Seth’s a control freak, so it’s got him a little shaken up.” They interrupted each other a lot.

“I swear to God…” The darker haired brother mumbled under his breath and Kate looked unimpressed.

“Why were you giving my brother drugs?” Kate pressed on, or at least attempted to.

“Now that I can explain.”

“Oh, you go ahead.” Seth said, looking exasperated. It seemed clear to her that he wasn’t interested in sharing his business with her not because he didn’t care for her to know him, but because it might change things.

The bickering had gotten old, fast, but she supposed maybe they were always like this. Maybe she’d find it funny, or cute if she weren’t waiting for answers they didn’t seem to be giving. It wasn’t like she needed them to tell her everything – she had just been formally introduced to their lives after al, but she wanted at least some semblance of explanation for it all.

Richie leaned forward, closer to her as he began to explain, using his hands. “We’ve decided to do some networking… Branch out a little.”

“Branch out from what?” She narrowed her eyes.

“General thievery. Doing jobs here and there as a duo can only get you so far, for the big stuff you need big connections.”

“So you’re thieves?”

Seth butted in, like he couldn’t help it. He probably couldn’t. “The shotgun brandishing badass kind. Not the tight leather outfits kind.”

“Disappointing.” She replied pointedly and it made him raise his eyebrows, sitting back. “So then what does this has what to do with my seventeen year old brother?”

“It’s entry level stuff. Little jobs to prove that we’re legit. That means stuff like delivering drugs to the dealers in little towns like your one. Pretty sure that preacher hired him, I’ve never heard of the guy before. Must have stroke up some sort of deal with Carlos.”

She nodded. “Okay. And… Scott can just stop, right?”

Richie shrugged. “Probably. He’s far down enough in the food chain to drop the profession, and it’s not like there aren’t plenty of other kids itching for a chance to prove themselves.”

“He was just looking out for us. It was a stupid mistake.” Kate couldn’t help the need to defend her brother, even if she hadn’t spoken to him about it. It was instinct, brought on by how bad she felt that he would ever feel the need to do something like this to keep them afloat.

“He’s got potential.”

“Then he’s going to do something other than pushing pills with it.”

She took a long breath and Richie sat back in his chair. For a little while longer, they discussed it in more detail, and she learned her fair share about the man they planned on working for. Kate tried her best not to be judgemental. It wasn’t her life, and yet she still felt sad that the man she was so closely tied to was about to be under the thumb of a man like that.

When there was nothing more to say, she was still wracked with guilt that she should feel so much for someone like him. The room buzzed with the television down low, and outside noise continued on without them for a couple of minutes. The quiet wasn’t very quiet at all, just filled with tension.

Looking to Seth, she found he was already staring and she opened her mouth and then thought better of it. She wasn’t sure what to say to him. They’d burned through the most vital topic quickly and now they were just left with things she wouldn’t exactly be comfortable discussing with his brother right there.  

Eventually, Richie got up and announced he was going outside to smoke, his hand reaching into his suit pocket. As he passed he gave her a look and she took it as a kind gesture. Kate waited until the door shut to turn back to Seth. He was now staring at the ground, far too focused.

“I always thought you’d be worse in person.” She admitted, quietly.

“Worse?” His head shot up and he replied with narrowed eyes, preparing himself to take offense.

It took her a moment, but she continued, forcing herself to be honest. “Tease me more. Completely forget boundaries or… how incredibly annoying PDA is to other people.”

“You saying you want some attention?”

“I’m saying I want to distract you from whatever storm is going on in your head right now.”

“Well come on then.” He gestured for her to come closer, his hand resting on the arm of the chair.

Rolling her eyes, she peeled off the bed where one of her legs had rested underneath her and walked to him. Taking her place across his lap, she leaned into him, resting her head against his chest and sighed, trying to appreciate the closeness. He had one hand in her hair, twisting it between his fingers as he looked down at her and the other resting on her leg.  

“I could get used to this.” She mumbled, peering up at him through her lashes.

His hand pushed up her thigh, moving her fabric of her white dress up and she closed her eyes, pressing the side of her face into his shirt. He’d thrown off the jacket at some point and he was warm, but so was the rest of the room. It hadn’t gotten quite so humid out yet, and dark had made it a little cooler, but just barely.

“You got a life to get back to, remember that.” He said, his eyes trained on the hand that held onto her thigh.

Maybe if Richie hadn’t been outside, she would have pushed it up further. She clung to him like he still would fade away because it was hard to imagine he wouldn’t. She had to make the most of whatever time she was given.

“You’re gonna disappear?”

“Can’t stay forever.”

“But you can for a little bit?” Kate hated how needy she felt, but it clearly got to him. His chest rose and fell.

“We could spare a couple more days in small town Texas, I guess…” Seth let go of her hair, resting his other arm around her back.

 

“Please, I don’t want this to be it for us.” She reached for him, her gentle hand curving around the back of his neck. “I just need a little more time.

She kissed him softly and his hand tightened around her thigh. The more time she spent being close to him, the more she knew it would be difficult to go. To think she had thought herself completely okay with never seeing him again… She was so god damn stupid. He meant too much to her, made her yearn and ache in ways she hadn’t before. If he’d agree to stay even for a little while, she was going to take advantage of that.

-

Kate was in the backseat of the Gecko brothers’ car, feeling restless. It hadn’t taken that long to put together some sort of plan when she remembered that her weekend was supposed to be filled up with the trip with her friends. She’d gladly sacrifice that to spend whatever time she could with Seth. Although there seemed to be a lot under the surface he wasn’t yet willing to share, she would finally have time to prod in person.

It helped too, that she could be sure if she finally let him touch her that he wouldn’t disappear and leave her unsatisfied – not that she’d really mentioned it.

Richie had told her to go home and they would pick her up the following night and Seth had reassured her that they’d get a nicer room than the motel, but she’d shaken her head. She didn’t need something nicer, she just needed him. Maybe it was stupid and idealistic of her to insist, but she meant it.

With her sitting up and leaning between them as she directed them through the streets of Bethel to her house, it almost felt normal. Like she had spent time with them before. She took Richie’s phone without much protest, him probably having figured she was texting her brother and she adding herself as a contact. She figured it would be good to make sure they could keep in touch. He noticed, and smiled at her. She only smiled back for a second, before Seth was hassling her about which turn to take.

Eventually, they pulled into her driveway and she could see the porch from inside the car. The living room light was on and she had assumed Scott would be waiting for her no matter how late she got back. Seth undid his seatbelt and opened the door and she took the time to say goodbye to the other brother quickly.

Rushed, she pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Thank you for bringing me to him.”

He nodded, turning his head to stare at her with an expression she didn’t have time to figure out as Seth opened her door and she shuffled away to get out of the car. Stepping onto the ground, she felt a little shaky, and maybe it was culmination of everything that made her feel nervous.

Seth didn’t bother with sweet goodbyes, and instead crushed her against the side of the car, kissing with the ferocity she had missed. He held her waist tightly, grasping the white in his hands and kissing her till she couldn’t breathe.

“You’ll be here tomorrow?” She asked, breathing hard. She expected to be sadder.

As she smoothed his jacket with her hands, he nodded. “Swear it on my life.”

“You better.”

With that, she retreated up the path to the house.

-

“I like her.” Richie spoke out of the blue and Seth chuckled. Of course his brother liked her, she was about the only girl that Seth had taken interest in who hadn’t taken immediate dislike to him. Seth supposed he liked her better for that reason too.

“Yeah, she’s alright.” He nodded and turned out of her street, focusing on getting them back rather than letting his mind linger on the way her mouth tasted.

_Tomorrow_.

-

Scott was half asleep on the couch, a horror movie blaring loudly as the killer came on screen. The living room seemed to be the only place in the house brightly lit and it made her wince a little, after having been in the dark so long. As Kate entered the room, her brother jolted upright. At first, it surprised her, but eventually his reaction made them both laugh wildly. Maybe it was from being overwhelmed by everything, or just because he was glad she was home safe from hanging out with two shady guys. It didn’t matter. Kate had clutched her stomach and leaned toward and he had pressed his face into his arm. It felt good to laugh with her brother again.

The laughter ended and she took a seat beside him, reaching for her phone which sat beside him. Placing it in her lap, he reached for the remote and turned the television down as someone got hacked to death. She still felt like she was buzzing with excitement from meeting the man who was now a confirmed to not be a figment of her imagination.

“So you know that guy’s brother?” He asked while turning towards her with his knees propped up.

“It’s a long story.”

“Pastor James told me about them. The Gecko Brothers. They’re like… infamous. The type of shit you hear about in movies. Robbed a bunch of rich guys and a bank or two and lived to tell the tale. And apparently they’re assholes. And you _know_ one of them?”

Kate would have responded, but she had nothing to defend them with. Maybe they had showed her kindness, but that didn’t make them good men. Instead, she flipped it back on her brother. “What about you? You’re dealing drugs?”

Scott groaned.

It wasn’t easy to talk about, and she never expected it to be, but she was trying to cut him some slack. She’d need that generosity in return, and it wasn’t like they had an active parent ready to sort things out properly. If he was even home, Kate didn’t know, but they’d taken that need to grow up and had gone about it incorrectly in different ways. At the very least, she felt justified saying he needed to quit, and for once he agreed with her, nodding earnestly.

“And we should probably do something about that pastor… Right? I mean, now that I think about it, he’s creepy as hell.” Scott suggested, lifting his hand up.

She shook her head. “I don’t want to risk getting you into trouble.”

He didn’t like that, she knew he wouldn’t, but he didn’t say anything else. Thankfully he didn’t have anything on him but weed, and he agreed to get rid of it as soon as possible – preferably not in exchange for cash. It wasn’t all in order, but it would have to work for now.

“Did you mean it when you said we could get dad help? Could we start tomorrow?” Scott asked, suddenly more timid and it broke her heart a little.

“I have that trip still, the one with my friends? I leave tomorrow night.” She explained, instantly feeling terrible for lying about it, but it wasn’t like she could tell him the truth.

“You’re really going to that?” He looked sceptical and she didn’t blame him, but she shrugged like it was hopeless.

“Yeah. You’ll be alright, won’t you?”

“I’ll be fine. What about when you get back?”

“Yeah. When I get back, I promise.” She left out that maybe she could do with talking to someone too. That was something she wanted to sort out for herself. Besides, for the moment it had to be about their dad. He needed help, and even if it had taken her time to accept that he couldn’t get himself together. She was preparing herself to be responsible now.

-

Once she had finally gathered up the courage to call Caroline and tell her she wasn’t going, she started to feel strange. Where she had once been warm she felt cold and she pulled a sweater over her shoulders as she tried to let go of the guilt. It wasn’t her most moral decision, but she had promised to pay her back and she was determined to make good on that promise. Some things just had to come first, for the moment.

She had the rest of the summer to turn things around and she was determined to do it – starting with Seth. He would leave Bethel and they’d be in a good place. She would be able to enjoy him showing up, although she knew it would make her ache when he was gone. At least he’d be with her, as long as they still had their connection… And if not. She had Richie’s number. She had their names, a tie to them that she wouldn’t let go of, something other than the mental tether.

-

Morning came slowly, and she had struggled to fall asleep. Part of her had wished that maybe he’d be there in her bed, and eventually she’d had to tire herself out to the thought of his hand creeping up her thigh and actually reaching its destination.

Her body felt stiff and heavy, her head like it was filled with concrete. It took her a long time to get up, rolling over and pulling the blanket over her head to get more sleep but it wouldn’t come. She was too excited. Her room only got warmer and eventually she kicked off the blanket all together.

Hearing her brother’s bedroom door shut quickly after what she assumed was the bathroom, she reluctantly got up. Finding a towel in the linen cupboard she slipped into the bathroom with heavy limbs. She started up the shower and brushed out her hair, busying herself with undoing tangles. Eventually, she slipped her pyjamas off and moved towards the shower, yawning again as she pulled the curtain open and paused.

She didn’t even jump anymore. Maybe she was too tired. It didn’t make sense, she should have jumped. She should have shut the curtain entirely. Instead? All she did was stand there.

It had been…. A while since she’d seen him so bare. In fact, maybe she hadn’t since that first time. And even then, seeing him inside a mirror was different to this. She couldn’t help staring, because he looked _good_. It’s not a surprise, exactly, but she hasn’t seen someone in this position before. He’s got one hand propped up against the shower wall, and the water sprayed his shoulder.

Her eyes move down slowly and he’s not so pure as to not know what he’s doing, but it makes her mouth go dry to see it in person. His length is in his hand and he’s jacking off in the shower and Kate is just watching like a dumbstruck idiot.

He grumbles a curse and continues what he’s doing, stroking at a decent pace and embarrassingly, she can feel wetness pool between her thighs. It took time to tear her eyes away, but eventually he was going to open his eyes and see her there. Her hand tightened around the curtain and she had almost found the resolve to just do it.

A moment too late, it seemed, because he grumped her name and she squeaked in shock, shifting away from the shower. She closed the curtain and reached for the towel, wrapping it around her body.

“I’m sorry.” She called out, after a moment.

She heard a groan on the other end of the curtain and it made the feeling between her legs worse. Her cheeks were burning and she pressed a hand to them, trying to relieve it. It didn’t do much good.

“You wanna come in?” It sounded like he was forcing the words out and for a moment she really considered it. The shower was still loud, but it wasn’t hard to hear him on the other side of it. She thought about her hand being the one making him react like that, and apparently he seemed to be thinking about it too. He cursed again, she mouthed the word yes but it made no sound.

She said nothing, pushing her face into her hands. Eventually, the world shifted back – and once she finally got into the shower she found herself mimicking him. It was clear to her now that she couldn’t hold it out much longer, and any fear she’d had about it was slowly dissipating – because she wanted him as much as he wanted her.

It would be a long day.

-

Kate packed quickly, although she’d already had it half done before she changed destinations. She pulled out the unnecessary things – although she did keep one bikini, just in case. She found her underwear that was closer to sexy than cute and dressed in shorts and a tank top, which was more of a necessity considering the heat and not her attempt at looking good.

She put her hair in two braids and found her father asleep in his bedroom. Explaining where she would be going, he nodded like he remembered and went off to shower. She sighed and turned away. Kate wasn’t sure what she was, some mix of emotions that would only linger on one for a short period of time before jumping to the next.

The rest of the day has her going about in a daze, her thoughts occasionally turning back to the moment in the morning in the shower. She had her regrets, but he would be with her soon. Physically there, unable to fade away and it would be perfect, she was sure of it.

In the driveway, a horn beeped and she jumped up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally, i get to change the rating :-) + thank you for your nice comments/reactions/whatever you're all THE BEST.


	13. backseat

“Well what did you think we’d be doing?” Seth asked, dropping her suitcase onto the bed.

The mention of a date so early into getting there had thrown her off, although quickly she’d felt stupid for not considering it.

The drive back had felt short, especially after a brief conversation with her father who had walked into the living room to see what was going on, interrupting her as she was about to leave. Quickly, she reminded him once more and he nodded, pulling some money out of his wallet and telling her to call. Guilt washed over her and she still stood tall, lying to her dad as convincingly as she could manage. She probably deserved an Oscar for it. Once she was in the back of the car again, it all felt familiar, and then suddenly her long weekend with the Geckos was beginning.

Kate had noticed that the three of them fit together well in the car, the conversation flowing easily, although it was mostly her and Richie getting better acquainted with each other. Now that there wasn't the issue of her brother or Seth waiting for them, they got along even better, and she no longer felt all that worried around him.

Once they were in the room, all she could think about was pouncing on him and it put a damper on the casual discussion. Seth had managed to get a new room a few doors down and she’d been thankful that they weren’t sharing a wall with his brother. They’d only been there a little while when Richie had walked off to the old one, realising that they were a little too caught up in each other. 

She pulled the bag towards her, fiddling with the zipper before sitting down, looking up at him. “I don’t know, talking? What we usually do when we’re together?”

There were only one bed. Assumedly they’d be sharing it. She’d done that before, with him no less, but it still made her buzz with excitement and nerves.

“You’re with me for the weekend and you think we should just do what we always do?” Seth clarified, although he clearly wasn’t about to agree with her.

Kate scrunched up her mouth in indecision. A date _did_ sound nice. Normal, even. “I didn’t pack a date outfit.”

“What’s a date outfit?”

“Something that doesn’t look ridiculous next to you in that suit.”

He tipped his head back in what was probably annoyance.

“Relax, okay? Not like we’re going anywhere fancy.” Kate made a face, itching to make a comment at just how romantic that made it sound but he continued before she could, catching on. “And I’m not parking on some look out and getting in the backseat, jeez, have a little faith.”

“Why don’t you inspire me to have some?” She retorted, wearing a cheeky little smile. He hid his amusement with an eye roll, nodding his head.

“Go get changed.”

Kate unzipped the bag and pulls out the closest thing she has to a nice dress. He’d seen the thing before but she didn’t care all that much. The dressing part was easy, but she spent the next two minutes looking for a brush while pulling her hair out of the braids with her fingers. Eventually, Seth knocked on the door.

“You decent?” He asked from the other side.

Kate sighed, giving herself another once over. “Has it mattered all that much to you before?”

“Okay, next time I’ll just barge in.” He replied sarcastically, turning the handle. Kate turned around to unlock it, smoothing her hair down with her hands. It wasn’t an issue that it was all wavy, it was mostly the frizz she took issue with.

Seth didn’t say anything at first, curling a piece of hair around his finger. “Cute.”

Kate narrowed her eyes in response. “I figured the braids were a little too juvenile.”

“They were cute too.” He leaned down and she pushed on her toes to meet him.

She kissed him gently, her hands instinctively moving to the top of his shirt and holding there. With her eyes closed, she pulled away to speak before kissing him again. “Stop calling me cute.”

She’d probably kiss him until she was blue in the face, at this point.

-

They ended up at a bar, sliding into one of the smaller booths in the corner beside each other, Kate against the wall. It was outside of town, but close enough so that she felt mildly anxious about getting recognised. If anyone had been to the church before, they might have known her.

She stuck to Seth as they made their way through the room. He didn’t seem to mind, telling her some story about coming there a couple of nights prior and a particularly wild bar fight.

“How come I never show up during anything like that?” Kate questioned, reaching for the menu as he finished up.

“Cause I can’t hit on you with other people around.” He didn’t miss a beat, edging closer to her and she nudged him away.

She’d likely have reacted positive to almost anything date wise, but there was something about the bar that made her giddy. It wasn’t the nicest place, a little grimy and dimly lit, but it had a homely feel about it, something she hadn’t felt in Bethel. Everyone seemed to know each other, without the gossipy, preachy tone behind it all. The waitresses wore low cut tops and smiled at them warmly, and there was conversation at the bar loud enough to hear all the way across at their table. Yet it all felt… Right. Perfect for them.

Who knew she’d feel at home somewhere that _definitely_ wasn’t her home?

Or maybe it was just him, the whole notion of being on a date with Seth Gecko. And it didn’t feel ridiculous, she didn’t feel out of place at his side despite their difference. They were the same too, with their brothers and the demons in their closet. They hadn’t yet tackled his, but Kate was employing patience, for him, for momentary happiness because it seemed as fleeting as ever lately.

They ordered food and he complained when she picked off his plate and giggled. He looked at her all starry eyed and she did the same back, although at times they seemed unsure what to say to each other.

There was a period of awkward silence as they reached the end of their meal and Kate wanted to say something but wasn’t sure what. She sent a text to Scott and her father, saying she would be there soon and she was fine. Only Scott replied. Seth rested his palm against her thigh under the table and she had grown accustomed to the warmth of his hand. She let out a sigh and leaned into him.

Kate wanted to tell him not to go after the weekend was up, she was already missing him pre-emptively. She wanted to tell him to stay and that Richie could stay too, and they wouldn’t have to go off and work for some asshole.

He brought up something else and she followed along, eventually moving her hand over his.

“You wanna do anything after this? Get desert or something? Drive off into the sunset?” Seth asked, keeping close. He was warm and she basked in it.

“I think we can skip on the ice cream. I kind of wanted to get back.” Kate was making attempt at coy.

The response seemingly piqued his interest “You in a rush?”

“I had some plans…”

“Please, do elaborate.” The amusement wasn’t what she was trying to get out of him, but he was tough to crack. It only spurred her on, though she wasn’t about to say something dirty in the middle of a bar. Instead, she settled for the hand on her thigh, inching it up just barely and staring down at it.

“If I let you in on all the details there aren’t gonna be any surprises.” She said quietly, watching the way her smaller hand fit over his.

Looking back up at him, his expression had changed. Softened, like his heart had melted somewhat, but it was also charged with something, maybe want. Kate wet her lips with her tongue and his eyes darted down to her mouth and she felt a little silly doing it.

“Kate…”

“The cheque.” She pointed out.

-

They didn’t make it out of the car. As Kate leaned across the centre console to kiss him, she was already tugging at his clothing. Tongue, teeth biting down on his lip and tugging, she was almost overpowering. Patience hardly seemed a virtue anymore when she could have him whenever she wanted. In between the rushed kisses, he tried to speak.

“In the car… You don’t want to…” Kate allowed him a moment to speak but then began to suck on his neck and he couldn’t finish the question. “Fuck… Get in the back.”

So much for not telling her to do just that. The order made her pause, wiping her mouth as she pulled away from him, nodding. “Okay.”

Pushing him over she moved into the backseat as gracefully as she could manage, falling into the leather and turning over onto her back, leaning up on her elbows but he was already getting out of the front seat and coming around to the side that her feet rested facing. She kicked off her flats and brought her knees up, moving back to the other door to make room for him.

He pulled off his jacket, reaching for her. She shuffled forward on the seat, suddenly feeling a strange nervousness. A moment to herself had gained her some clarity, and that came with anxiety. He hovered over her and she managed a peck.

He was done with half-assing it and pushed her down into the seat, kissing her with hands wondering where they hadn’t in a while now.

With one hand squeezing her breast as he groaned into her mouth, Seth had seemingly resigned himself to the fact that they were getting at each other in the most cliché way possible – in a parked car in the shady part of the almost empty car park.

He kissed down to her chest and she felt a little lightheaded about it.

“Do you have a, um…” She took a breath. “A condom?”

That makes him stop and she almost pushed his head back down insistently. A question didn’t mean stop all together.

“Not in the car.” He admitted, hand moving down her side.

Her mouth made a silent little _o_ and she glanced away with pink cheeks. “That’s excellent. Nice work.”

Presumably to cheer her up, he began to kiss down to the top of her dress, then down over the fabric and mumbled under his breath. “Could still eat you out.”

That shut her up and he got to work convincing her it was a good idea, changing their position in the car so he could get down between her legs. Hesitantly, she pulled her dress over her head and pushed through any anxiety. If anything, it only encouraged him to see her bare and she took that as a good sign. He mumbled out a few compliments she couldn’t quite remember a few seconds later and got to making his way down her stomach.

“You sure?”

She almost pushed his head down but spoke instead, pushing words past her lips.

“Yes.”

Her lips felt swollen with attention and it stung a little to bite down on the bottom one, but it felt good, too. And _God_ , she was wet. Impatient and sticking to her underwear, she felt somewhat between worlds, still clinging to her innocence but so ready to shed herself of the burden.

He made it to her navel and didn’t spend too much time torturing her thighs, likely sensing her desperation and instead brought his mouth over her panties. His hands wrapped around her thighs and she wasn’t exactly in the most comfortable position, but that was hardly her concern when he was soaking the fabric with his mouth. It felt a long time coming, and again she wasn’t sure why she’d waited so long. It felt right.

Seth wasn’t going to fix her problems with his tongue, but he was sure as hell making an attempt.

His tongue was flat and then moving and Kate tried to stay quiet, almost embarrassed at the noises that were threatening to leave her mouth. It wasn’t even direct contact, just his warm mouth over her folds and she already felt shaky.

The panties dome down because they _have_ to and Kate accidentally called out to God while Seth made her come for the first time.

-

Kate wasn’t sure why she felt embarrassed, or unsure. She had thought when they were in the car that it would be perfect, that she wouldn’t feel insecurity – she didn’t, and yet it had crept in when they got back into the room.

Seth was undoing the buttons on his shirt and she sat with her thighs pressed together on the bed, her bra and panties discarded in the backseat of the car as they’d rushed through the door of the motel room, but she’d lost steam once they were there, requesting a break. She wanted to do more, she was sure of that and yet she had stopped herself. Rushing it felt silly.

The fan above them moved slowly and she counted every time the third blade looped past her, staring at it to not stare at Seth. He noticed the expression on her face, a pained concentration.

“You alright?” He asked, pulling the shirt off.

She realised what was going on and fell back into reality awkwardly. “What? Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You seemed kind of… Like you reacted a little weird to it all. Didn’t like it that much or something?” He was hesitant in asking, it seemed, especially since it had been so clear that she had liked it at the time. Kate instantly felt bad.

“No, no… I liked it. It’s just hitting me I guess, everything about us. The age difference… Lifestyle difference…”  She trailed off, unsure how to explain it all. At first it had been insecurity that she likely didn’t look like the type of women he typically slept with, but then again, what did she know?

She’d made him wait all that time only to only allow what had happened in the car… And all of it just made her feel too young. Inexperienced and innocent and not the girl he would want to even be around, even if his actions said otherwise. Even if all of their time together said otherwise. Maybe it was him too, she could feel something from him across the room. The emotion between them wasn’t completely muted when they were together, but it was quieter, more subtle.

Seth looked down at the floor and nodded, like he understood her on some level. “Yeah, not exactly perfect circumstances, but aren’t we kind of past that now?”

“It’s real now, though.” She insisted.

He sighed and took a seat on the end of the bed, leaning forward as he thought about it. Then he turned to her and she let her legs go, sitting back against the headboard and trying to let go of the worry in her expression.

“It was real before. That’s what I didn’t realise till I had you in that bar. S’always been real.” The sincerity of it threw her off and hit her right in the heart and her expression changed, becoming loving and kind. He wasn’t an expert at sweet words, but she reached for him anyway and he complied, moving beside her on the bed and pulling her into his arms. She laid on his chest, letting go of it all.

They would never be perfect for each other, but they’d been brought together by circumstances completely out of their control. The universe, God, _something_ had connected the two of them and she had to be certain that the reason was good, that she was meant to be in that room with him.

They stayed quiet for a while longer, and he didn’t touch her anywhere. She didn’t know if she wanted to, and they still had another night together. Eventually, they got to the topic of where he would be after their brief time together, Carlos and what he did. He was a dangerous man, more so than anyone she’d met. Seth explained as much as he knew, detailing the drugs and shady establishments, but that he would know more the more he got involved. He was the type of guy that made you work for a place at the table, who saw loyalty of others as important but would destroy you in an instant if you turned on him. It made her frown to think about him working for someone like that, doing more than just pulling off heists.

“And that’s what you want?” She asked quietly, her chin propped up on his chest as he looked down at her and then at the ceiling.

He’d likely had this conversation many times, but he indulged her. “Richie wants more than small time bandits, always searching for damn glory or something.”

“That's not what I asked.”

“I was happy the way we were. Enough money to live comfortable lives, planning jobs every now and then… It’s what Eddie taught us, but that’s a hard life to keep up on your own. You make enemies, your friends aren’t always your friends.”

Silence fell over once more as Kate tried to hold back what she wanted to say, but it came out anyway.

“Is this just gonna be your life, forever? Stealing, cheating and lying but this time in the big leagues?” There was no point holding back, that was what had made it hard for them in the first place. They were no longer quiet and soft with each other, bordering on argumentative.

Seth gritted his teeth and replied, but neither of them moved from where they laid together. “All I’ve ever known. This is as close as I get to legit and having to run errands for someone else has already got on my God damn nerves. Don’t really see me working for minimum wage in a shitty job any time soon.”

Kate sat up beside him, still pressed against him. Her voice wasn’t urgent, just sad. “You’re gonna get yourself killed.”

“I’ve lived this long, haven’t I?” He brought her back down and she took a deep breath.

Kate pressed her face into his chest, her eyelashes brushing against his skin. She didn’t want to react to it anymore, or talk about it. The worst part wasn’t that she didn’t want him to do what he had always done, it was more that she would have gone with him, if given the option. She’d leave her life behind, but she couldn’t. She wasn’t cut out for what he did.

And then she thought about her mama, living a life she hated even if she loved her children dearly and she didn’t know how she felt anymore.

-

Kate had woken up clinging to him and happy enough to cry. He’d brushed hair out of her face, still frizzy from her braids and from tossing and turning in the night. She got the sense that she hadn’t been the only one to wake up and make sure there was still a body to hold on to. In some gentle haze of morning with kisses peppered across skin and quiet urges she’d pushed his hand under her dress and came for the second time, seeing stars. Her mouth on his skin kept her quiet, but only barely.


	14. just like magnets, baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this happened quite fast after the last chapter for some reason, i started writing last night and finished this morning. i was going to wait to publish it but then i was like eh, fuck it. i feel like i'm getting closer to the end now, but we'll see.

Richie suggested that they get breakfast (or brunch, but Seth refused to call it that) together before doing much else, although once she’d eyed a pool in the motel in daylight she’d been hesitant to spend all of her day lazing away with Seth’s arms. It took them a while to get ready, and Kate had to hold back a laugh when she realised they really didn’t keep much in the way of clothing besides the suits.

Tying up a wrap top she’d paired up with shorts – a tinier number than she usually would have gone with, but it was Seth approved, meaning he had eyes wondering just about everywhere – she asked about it. “What’s with the suits, anyway?”

“Got a rep to uphold.” He replied, flipping his collar and then straightening it out. She wasn’t sure how they kept them all in good condition, almost like a uniform. It made sense to tie it to reputation, even if she’d always figured that the type of people who robbed banks walked around in balaclavas and form fitting black clothing.

The Gecko brothers definitely had a handle on the black, but the suits and black shades made it… Badass, like old school movies. The way you never expected it to be in reality.

“And your rep is you’re always wearing suits.” She busied herself with making sure everything was tied and in place, her hair twisted up into two buns. Parts of her hair messily hung down at the front, but she liked it and a pair of sunglasses finished it off, the frame pink and unlike the ones the man beside her wore.

“No,” Seth turned her away from what she was doing and toward him, one hand on her ass as he stared down at her. He was getting bold. “We’re professionals.”

Richie didn’t knock. Neither of them were sure they locked the door so they pulled away as he walked in, Kate turning around to greet him. His eyes wondered a little bit too and she didn’t comment on it, just listened as the brothers spoke to each other over her head.

They locked up and made their way to the car and Kate fished the keys out of Seth’s pocket, twirling them around her fingers and reaching the car first.

“Can I drive?” She asked, somewhat out of the blue as the idea popped into her head.

“If you can drive stick, go for it.” Seth didn’t respond in a way that was necessarily encouraging. It was closer to making fun of her and she gripped the keys in her hand a little harder, stepping towards the driver’s seat.

“’Course I can drive stick.” She unlocked the door and got in, Seth took the passenger seat and Richie the back. She didn’t outwardly react as they pulled out of the parking space and the two of them looked impressed. _Idiots_.

They hummed along to classic rock and that sensation – that it was all just perfect – kept coming back to her. It was like a reminder, tapping her on the shoulder ever now and then.

They decided not to eat inside and order enough food to feed more than just three people, getting back in the car. Swapping with Seth so she could calm her grumbling stomach with a hashbrown, he sped down every street without as many cars and she laughed wildly like some girl they were entertaining, her sunglasses atop her head. 

-

Poolside in a bikini top and shorts, that was what Kate Fuller liked to be.

Seth had gotten a call and grimaced through the whole thing. When it seemed he would be there for a while, Richie had whisked her away to the pool, the two of them lounging on deck chairs. Richie was reading a newspaper and Kate was enjoying the early afternoon sun.

“You ever feel like things are going far too well? Like it’s not even real?” Kate was questioning the universe more than she was questioning Richie.

He responded anyway.

“No.” She looked elsewhere. “Is that how you’re feeling?”

Complaining felt silly when she was so happy, especially on what was already a good day. She hadn’t known what to expect but even just lying there was _good_. “I guess. It’s cliché, I know. The too good to be true stuff… I haven’t really felt like I fit in anywhere for a while.”

“And you think you fit in here?”

“I don’t know.”

She stared out at the big blue pool, the water sparkling in the sun and burning into her vision when she looked at Richie again.

“No shame in enjoying the company of criminals, Kate.” He smirked and she had to shake her head and peer away once more.

“I guess it won’t matter by Monday.” She pulled the sunglasses off the top of her head and placed them on the table between them, deciding whether or not she’d go for a swim. The pool looked nice enough, but it wasn’t the nicest motel in the world. Still, soothing cold water on her skin seemed a good idea with the humidity.

Richie still had his head turned to the side against the back of the chair, his suit still buttoned up and she wondered how he managed not to die of heat stroke in the thing. “I guess not, but if it’s any consolation, I’ve felt the not fitting in stuff. My whole life, the only place that has really fit for me has been with my brother, doing what we do... And it feels like you fit too.”

She got up after a few moments, undoing the button on her shorts and slipping them down while faced away from the other Gecko brother and then folded them turning to him again. She undid her necklace and placed it on the table with her sunglasses. “Thanks, Richie.”

He looked back at her with kindness in his eyes and it kept a smile on her lips.

Diving into the pool, she figured it would give her clarity. Eventually Seth came and took her seat, dropping her shorts onto the concrete and the two of them spoke in hushed tones as she floated in the pool, staring up at a cloudless blue sky. Neither of had any plans to get in with her, but she didn’t mind so much. She continued her swim until she was holding onto the side with her arms crossed in front of her, joining in on their conversation.

-

Seth was distracted as they made their way back to the room, the sun getting closer to setting. He hadn’t even glanced her way and seemed surprised when they reached their door, finding the key in his pocket a lot slower than she thought he would. Richie told them he would be in his room and Kate had been the only one to nod and watch him go in, towel wrapped around her body.

She wasn’t all that damp anymore, so as they stepped inside she went to get changed in the bathroom, pulling on something else and changing out of her bikini. Seth waited on the other side of the door, sitting on the bed and looking troubled.

“You brooding?” She stood in front of him, holding out her hands and he held up his own for her to take gently. Moving them around her, he pulled her close and leaned his forehead against her stomach. She could feel his breath against the fabric.

“I don’t brood.” Came his reply, muffled when he pressed his whole face against her and she laughed, pushing him back.

He took it too far, laying back on the bed and she took that as encouragement, getting on top of him so she was straddling his waist with a wicked look on her face. “Oh, no?”

Seth looked defeated, but he held onto her thighs anyway and she leaned down to kiss him softly, their first in a few hours, like she had just remembered that she could. His mouth was soft and inviting and she realised she had missed the stubble on his chin, the way he tasted. Pulling away to look at him, she almost admitted that she loved him then and there, overcome with the need to suddenly. He flipped them over, she let out a breathy laugh and let it go.

With his thigh pressing in between her legs as he kissed her, she bucked her hips up encouragingly and he swore under his breath. She liked everything about him like this, vulnerable to her and very clearly hard, pressed against her hip. Even below him, she dictated the pace of their movement and he was more than happy to let her.

“Oh, oh God…” Somehow it felt like it had never been this hot, like Kate had never been so excited by him, even with slightly swollen chapped lips and worry that the need would go to waste. He was making a path down her neck and then licking up and she let out a whimper and didn’t feel ashamed for it because his hips moved encouragingly.

“There is no way this is something I’m allowed to do.” He groaned, his breath hot on her neck where it was still wet from his tongue.

Similarly and yet not, Kate was thinking the same thing, wondering how she ended up living in some fantasy where a guy that looked like Seth wanted her. He should want experience, someone who knew exactly what she was doing, and yet in the entire time she’d been in his head, in his life, she hadn’t noticed anyone else. She wondered if he had been lonely. Kate wanted to be the solution for that. Underneath his shirt she could feel muscle pressed into her, his chest against her breasts and fingers wrapped around his strong arms.

Kate cooed and his eyes darkened. “Please don’t let that stop you. Please, I need you.”

Instead of doing more, he just kept his stare, almost unsteady. Kate wanted to stop the discussion as soon as he started it, she didn’t want to go down the road he was pushing them down, not when she was so close to satisfying all the things they’d done in her imagination.

“I’m bad for you.” She wasn’t so convinced that was the case.

“I don’t care.” She insisted, her hand sliding up and past his collar to his cheek, pink nails against his tan skin.

“It didn’t – It didn’t hit me before because I convinced myself that corrupting you a little was just… A distraction that you might appreciate, but shit, I never expected for it to get like this.”

“Get like what?” She leaned her head up, trying to bring her mouth up to his again but he wouldn’t budge.

Silence and then the closest thing to love, he managed to make her fill up with emotion threatening to overwhelm her with simple words. “You’re important to me.”

Seth didn’t have any reason to be worrying about corruption, or what was good for her. Kate was determined and strong and old enough, now. She wanted him to be expressing what he couldn’t, with his hands, his lips. Actions had to speak louder than his words, if they couldn’t say it.

“Show me.”

And he did, collapsing back into her, pushing his tongue into her mouth. Urgency came back and he had hands on her. Her dress got pulled up over her head and he was shirtless and kissing down to her breasts and then undoing the clasp with one hand like it was a special talent. She bit her tongue and didn’t tease him by saying she’d been able to that since she started wearing one.

His mouth gave attention to her bare breasts and she cried out at the tongue, lips and then the little bit of teeth making her shudder. Her lower half was pinned into the mattress and she could only shift on the bed, making noises of approval.

He undid his belt and she took a hold of his shoulders. “Seth… Can I…” Her gaze finished the question and he sat up, his legs straddling her still and she helped to unloop the leather.

Both of their hands rushed his pants down and he leaned at an angle to pull them off and Kate couldn’t help the stare. She could see it, and it wasn’t like she hadn’t seen it before (uncovered and all, twice, actually) but it was different this time. With a careful hand, she reached inside his boxers and he closed his eyes. Her breathing was shallow as she ran her hand up and down slowly. With him thick and hard in her hand she wasn’t in her element, but she found the ability to fake it, looking up at him as his breath hitched. She almost returned the favour from the car, but he was taking her wrist and she didn’t get the chance.

“You’ll have plenty of chances to do that, sweetheart, don’t you worry.” He reassured and she chewed on her bottom lip nervously. Kate hadn’t considered how much she would want to.

Reality snapped back, and so did the idea of him being inside her, but she was still remembering the car and met his eyes nervously.

“Condom?” She said it with brows furrowed in embarrassment at having to say it, hoping this time they wouldn’t be unlucky. He nodded, getting off the bed to open a drawer and rushing back with plastic between his fingers. He didn’t ask her to do it, and she didn’t ask to, only watched as he rolled it on, her mouth going dry.

He pulled his boxers off the same as his pants and Kate did the same with her panties, not allowing him the time to torture her again because she _needed_ him. They collided again, kissing as his fingers dip down and rub over her clit gently, noticing just how needy she was. Grinding herself down into his hand, Kate finds herself again whimpering and getting loud, even with his mouth over hers.

He turned them over again and it made her mouth fall open.

“You want me to–” If she wasn’t already flushed with embarrassment…

“ _Yes_.” He helped her up and she shuffled back, taking hold of him once more and swallowed thickly, strands of hair falling in her eyes as she concentrated. “Fuck, Kate, I need you.”

Holding herself up, she began to sink down into him, and it definitely wasn’t flawless, not at first. He was a lot bigger than fingers and definitely more to take than his tongue but she took him slowly, her mouth hanging slightly open as she got used to the feel of it. Being full was definitely a new sensation, but a welcome one, it sent shivers down her spine and she knew it would feel good soon enough. It had to.

“That’s it,” He encouraged and she gasped as he encouraged her hips back up, slow and steady to get herself used to it. She wondered what it would be like without the condom and then forced herself to focus on him, sinking back down.

Kate used to imagine her first time having in an expanse of rose petals and candles. She would be in love and it would be like magic. And it would be after marriage – at least for most of her life, before she realised how much she liked to kiss. Before she heard the story of Louise losing her virginity and figuring out that sex didn’t have to be special, but it _could_ be good.

“Feels good.” She said shakily, reaching out for him and he met her half way, her forearm pressing against his chest as he held onto her elbow, their lips meeting.

Seth’s other hand was more concerned with the movement of her hips as she sat forward on him, taking a steady but slow pace. Her eyes fluttered shut as she frowned, trying to figure out exactly what she should be doing, lifting her hips and then letting them back down. The world really did melt away, and Kate wasn’t sure what else there was to focus on except for him, visibly reacting to being inside her, swearing and moaning and it made her grin. He kissed the smile off her face, his hand gripping her ass and helping her to move a little faster. It felt even better.

_Oh God_ , she loved him. She did.

Kate cried out and held flat palms on his chest, trying to keep her eyes open as she rocked against him and he met every thrust. She was sensitive to every little bit of it, him inside her, his hands and his familiar mouth. It was new but felt right, like they should have been doing this since the beginning.

“That’s my girl.” He encouraged and she resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “You like this?”

She nodded and words tumbled out. “Yes… Yes– _Ah_. Oh my god.”

Hips moved faster and the only noise was them. The only thing in the room was them, intertwined and he told her he was close and she got eager for it. Her orgasm came before his and she was still calling out his name and bucking her hips before he was off the deep end too.

And _oh_. He loved her too. What a way to find out, without words, but it hitting her when her body felt white hot. While unable to say anything but Seth and _God_ and it all blurred in her head anyway.

Her forehead coated in sweat as she came back down to earth, she breathed heavy against his skin and peered up at him, wondering if they’d both felt it. It didn’t seem likely to only be in her head and he was breathing with his head back, his eyes closed. They opened and he looked down at her with a smile, genuine and sweet. She let out a giggle, accidentally.

He said it first and it made her feel like she was going to pass out. “I love you.”

Hearing it out loud wasn’t what she’d been expecting, with the way he guarded everything inside him, even the things clear to her. There was no point in hiding it, she realised that, but it still took her a few seconds to reply. “I… I love you too.”

Later on, she would joke about how it took sex for him to admit it, but it didn’t bother her, not really.

-

The number of Saturdays that had passed her by without a hitch, without excitement and happiness, Kate couldn’t calculate.

After her mother’s death it was like she sunk deep underwater, blanketed by the grief piling up on top of her. She dealt with it as normally as she could, formulaic as she went through the motions day after day, month after month. _Get up, every day, force a smile, cry because you need to cry, that’s normal. Stop crying now. It’s been too long now._ When her reactions surpassed what was okay, people were uncomfortable. It had hit her somewhere in those first few months that her friends may have just been… Acquaintances. That her whole world was built up on a false sense of community. People loved to help, but to a fault, wondering if you would laud up and down their generosity.

There were still heavy expectations on her shoulders, especially as the eldest daughter. It was her responsibility to represent their family as best she could, to bring them back together when her father fell from grace and failed.

She had failed too, and maybe that wasn’t a bad thing.

If there was one thing that the introduction of Seth into her life had taught her, it was that her life was never exactly what she thought it was. She had realised that nothing was perfect, especially her. With all she’d been through, she deserved to take what she wanted, to be able to live her life.

She just needed to figure out exactly what that was.

-

_Sunday_.

Kate woke up with dread washing over her.

The day began to pass as quickly as it had come and she realised that two nights wasn’t enough, but her life was waiting for her back in Bethel. Her home, her family… Her friends. Kate packed all of her things and Seth kissed her forehead and then pushed her into the bed and kissed her everywhere else.

They didn’t have anything special planned, but they bought fast food and parked out in the middle of nowhere so Kate could sit on the hood of the car eating fries with Richie while Seth watched from the driver’s seat. It was blissful but marred by her sadness, as much as she tried to force a smile. Richie told her he would be sad to see her go.

The sun set and she argued quietly with Seth. Richie went to return the keys to their rooms to the front desk.

“We both have things to get back to.”

“I don’t want to go back.” Kate hated how childish she sounded.

Sighing, he turned to her, reaching for her hand but she pulled it away, frowning and staring out the windshield. “You don’t want to stick around the two of us, okay? It makes you as bad as us.”

“Maybe that’s what I want to be.” She muttered.

“Trust me, it isn’t.”

“So this is it? Forever? We’re both going to go back to the way that it was before and just forget about each other?” This had been what she’d asked for. She wanted one weekend and that was all she got.

He smiled sadly. “How could I forget you, princess? You’re in my head.”

They drove back to Bethel and she didn’t cry until she was in her bedroom and Seth was far away once more.


	15. one step forward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologise in advance. (thank you for continuing to comment and keep up with this story!! we're getting there.)

Monday breezed by sadly and Kate picked up the pieces of her heart. She rationalised it. It wasn’t the end of the world, just the end of anything concrete between them for the moment. Maybe one day, when she was older and he was tired of his life it could work. Or maybe that was dreaming a little too big.

Whatever it was, she didn’t need to dwell. He would still be around, in some form.

There were no messages to check on her phone and she was too scared to genuinely text Richie. Her finger had hovered over the screen many times, but she resisted. She should be taking the time to focus on her world again, to try and get everything to stop tilting off its axis.

Everything was going to work out the way it was supposed to, she reminded herself with her father’s voice. _God’s plan, and he has one for all of us._

Them, she told herself that college would have to be her way out of Bethel. Even if she wasn’t sure that was what she wanted. The decision meant she had the summer to put her family in a place where they’d be okay to go on without her there for them. Sure, she could return most weekends, but they needed to be able to function on their own first.

Kate hadn’t forgotten about her agreement with Scott, but he had reminded her anyway. She spent the bulk of her Tuesday afternoon looking for Alcoholics Anonymous groups that were somewhat out of town so their father could feel better about it. There was still the convincing to do, but she hoped he would listen to reason.

Distraction had left her without her guard up and eventually Scott admitted something that made her heart stop.

“I saw Louise and Caroline yesterday.”

On her mental to-do list was making plans to catch up with the two girls, put forward some fake story about what she’d done that weekend instead. They were likely eager to tell her all of the gossip and while she didn’t care all that much anymore, it would make for a decent distraction most likely. They were still her friends, on some level. Or at least they were the closest thing she had to them.

Kate tried not to look so guilty, eyes casting downwards. It didn’t have to mean anything. Maybe they hadn’t said anything about the trip at all. “Yeah?”

“They asked if you were okay.” Or maybe they did.

So the master plan hadn’t been all that well thought out. Kate should have seen it coming, her brother cornering her in the kitchen as she tried to figure her way out of it.

“So what you’re saying is…” One of her sock clad feet moved against her pant leg where she felt itchy and awkward. Her palms were sweaty, still holding onto the bowl of yogurt she’d been intending to carry up to her bedroom. She put it down on the breakfast bar.

“Look, I’m not here to judge you. I could,” Scott shrugged. “But I’m not. I just want to make sure you’re gonna do what we promised, so I don’t need to know, if you’ve really been serious about it. Whatever it was you were doing this weekend, that can be your business.”

“You’re really going to drop it?” She glanced up in shock, her voice wavering a little. Her brother wasn’t going to hold her lie against her, although he had plenty of right to try. It made her want to cry a little.

“I figured you cut me some slack about the whole… drug thing – which I sorted out, by the way – I figured I could do the same for you.” On instinct, she stepped forward, pulling him into a grateful hug.

Maybe they hadn’t been perfect, maybe Kate especially hadn’t been the best sister, but they were trying for each other now, more than they had been for a long while.

Pulling back, she held his shoulders. “I found a group that might work and there are more options than just the one, but talking to him isn’t going to be easy, you know that right? He’s an adult and we’re just…”

“You’re an adult too.” He reminded her and she took a deep breath.

“Yeah. But you’re not, and you shouldn’t have to be.”

They both went upstairs and Kate showed him what she’d found online. For a while they discussed how they would sit down their father, assuming either too much hesitance on his part or not enough. Neither was sure how he would take it and there was no way to be sure he wouldn’t lose his mind on the both of them.  

Eventually they got to speaking about something else, and Kate admitted quietly to her brother in the darkness that she had fallen in love with someone but it wasn’t going to work out. Scott looked conflicted but just nodded in response. It was comforting. He didn’t ask questions or pry about who it was or how it had happened.

On some level he must have had some idea of what exactly had occurred, but he didn’t intrude and she appreciated it. He accidentally fell asleep in her bed and she felt like a little kid again, hanging out with her brother like she used to.

-

Somewhere still in Texas, Seth Gecko was splashing his face with water in a gas station bathroom.

Behind him, Richie was staring at him in the mirror, then looking down at his phone with no discernible expression. He kept doing that. Seth had almost knocked the damn thing out of his hands more than once. The room was small, cramped enough without two people inside it. The tap dripped long after he had shut it back off, the light blinked and flickered, making noise above them.

Eventually, his brother spoke up. “We have to go.”

“You don’t think I know that, Richard? Can I have a damn moment?” He replied, exasperated again all of a sudden.

Of course he knew they had to go. He’d been telling himself that since they’d parked and he’d walked off with his brother on his heels cautiously. He was the one in control, he decided when they stopped and when they started. He said go and they’d go. There had been room given to his brother with this decision to work for Carlos, but it came down to him. It was always going to come down to him.

“You’ve been having a moment since we left Bethel.” Richie pointed out matter-of-factly.

Seth grunted in response, still leaning heavily over the sink. His whole body felt weighed down and his stomach was sick.

He didn’t _get_ nervous. If he did, he didn’t let it show. He was calm and collected. He was the guy standing tall and ready for anything. Seth hadn’t felt like this in a long time, maybe not since their first job and they’d still managed to pull that off. He wasn’t so sure this time.

Richie continued, not even an ounce of hesitance. “You’re the one who said you wanted to do this. I said maybe after Kate that,”

Seth cut him off quickly, his blood instantly running cold at the mention of her name. “No. Don’t fucking go there.”

How long had it been now, a couple of days? He wondered what she was doing. He hadn’t felt much of anything from her, maybe her voice in his head the once, saying something to her brother, or maybe it was something aloud to herself. He couldn’t remember it, just the way she’d sounded. Sad yet still sweet, still Kate who was always going to be too good for him.

“She was happy with us.” His brother pointed out, hand digging into his pocket as he took a step forward.

“It’s not about that and you know it.”

“Then we need to go.” Richie extended the empathy he could manage, his hand taking Seth’s shoulder. “This job Carlos gave us is on a time limit and these guys don’t just meet with just anyone. One more motel and we’re on our way to the biggest deal we’ve ever made. First steps, brother.”

Seth’s shoulders sunk. He stood up taller. They left the bathroom.

-

There was a short conversation that Kate was allowed by her kind God to have in the supermarket. One moment she was alone and the next he was in the reflection of the doors in the frozen aisle and she smiled, turning around.

No one else was there, considering it was close to closing, but she tried to be subtle anyway. There were likely cameras. Fluorescent lights didn’t do much for him, and fuck looking tired, he looked exhausted, but he still looked good. She still wanted to kiss him. She wondered where he was and then she wondered if she could ask. He spoke before she could, so she stopped wondering.

“Are you okay?”

A shrug.

“Getting there. Still miss you though.” Kate admitted, and it was half true.

“I’d be a little hurt if you didn’t, baby. You’ll get over it.” His words weren’t harsh, but they still made her exhale sadly, glad she’d already placed a pint of chocolate ice cream in her basket.

“How’s Richie?” Kate asked, putting on a smile. He was there. She had to focus on that.

Seth looked surprised that she’d asked.

“He’s Richie.” They began to walk, and half way down to the end of the aisle he spoke up again. She wondered if it looked like she was talking to herself.

“I’m glad you have him.”

“You’re the first one who has been.”

She turned to him and then stared forward, keeping her voice low. “Really?”

“Shit, you’re the first one who even liked the both of us, as brothers. Or liked him in general. He gives off a vibe, or something. I’ve had plenty of women thinking they would fix me right up, change my ways, drag me away from the deviant brother, but he’s not…”

Kate figured it out with a look of satisfaction. “You’re both the deviant brother.”

“Exactly.” Seth smiled.

Eventually, when she turned her head, he wasn’t there and she rolled her eyes. _Of course_.

-

The morning of her Thursday, Kate prayed for a long time at the foot of her bed. Again, she felt like a child for some reason, repeating the actions she used to follow so closely, although the content of her prayers were far different to what they had been.

She took a short shower and tied her hair up in a bun, the still damp ends of her hair sticking out of it and hanging along the back of her neck. The morning was warm, like they usually were around that time of year. Sunlight flooded into every room as she pulled back curtains and felt at once at peace and incredibly riddled with anxiety. She skipped breakfast only because she worried it would come back up.

Plans were in place. Along with her brother she’d managed to organise the assistance of one of their nicer neighbours to talk to their dad if anything went wrong. They didn’t have much other than some sort of messily sorted intervention, but it was enough to work if they managed to go about it right.

It went somewhere between as bad as she’d expected and as good as she’d hoped.

Half-way through their semi-prepared speech their father caught on to what they were implying and was visibly uncomfortable. Eventually, he interrupted but they talked him down, the both of them. She’d never seen her and her brother be such a good team before. It was still two hours before it was beginning to really sink in, and her father went from argumentative to tired, shut down by both of his children. It was grief that had made him this way, but love would get him out of it, and they loved him so dearly.

“And you think one of these groups could help?” Her father asked, somewhat defeated in his tone. He rested in his chair in the living room, looking down and then to his children who were on the edge of the couch, still tapping their feet with nerves.

Scott replied. “Yeah dad. You can do the whole meeting thing, or the sober coach thing or whatever… Sort out your issues. Whatever you want, but you need to do something. God can’t… He can’t help you if you’re not trying.”

"I don't know that God can help me." He replied, sadly. 

"Daddy..." She sighed, reaching out for his hand. "Of course he can help you. He loves you. Just like we love you. And even... Even if that's not enough, we have to be. No one's saying you have to go back to the way things were but you can't live the rest of your life like this." 

Then he was nodding in agreement, grumbling to himself half finished sentences. "No, you're... You're right I should..."

"I promise, it won't hurt to try." She continued. 

"I'll... I'll look into it." He agreed and then looked to them both. There was some sad calm over them, like maybe Mama was staring down at them, like she was proud. 

Kate suddenly felt a pang of guilt, knowing that her brother didn’t know everything concerning their mom. He had known more than she did before the revelation that awful night, but now she knew everything and he was still in the dark. She decided to wait until after the moment passed and she was alone with him to mention it. 

They showed him pages and pages on her laptop for him to research it for himself and he agreed with their suggestions, sitting with it for a little while on his own as he sorted through options. She didn’t want to force anything on him, although she figured that something with groups and community would be better for him. He’d spent so much of his life leading people, speaking to them and assisting them through their troubles. She’d seen her mama be able to do the same for him, but Kate wasn’t her mother. Maybe a group of people, or professionals, they could manage it better.

As they finished up, she waited until they were alone. 

“Scott should know.” She mumbled, pulling him into a hug as her brother walked off to call and reassure their neighbour that it had all gone smoothly.

“You think I should tell him?” He was relatively sober considering what he'd been like as of late, and calm too, like he had reached some sort of clarity about it all. 

“I think he can handle it. And he deserves to know.” She replied and pulled out of the embrace, walking up to Scott who had just finished up on the phone.

It was strange at how easy it all felt. Of course it wasn’t so simple, it would still take time and effort on her father’s part, but she could appreciate that they’d made a step forward. She knew she was lucky to have someone who would make the effort, who could acknowledge the problem, even if it had taken a lot to get them there.

-

It was just a job. One like any other.

It required the neat, expensive suit.

It required standing up tall and strong.

It required the kind of confidence Seth was failing to put forward.

He kept thinking about the surge of happiness he'd felt from Kate, he wanted to know what he'd missed. It was some swell of love that made him feel like shit for being in the position he was, that made him miss her. 

The club was loud, almost deafeningly so. It was big, too, filled with enough dance floor to fit hundreds of people and that’s how many it felt like were there in that moment. It was dark, purple and blue lights the only way everyone could see each other. He wasn't looking at anyone. People threw flirtatious looks their way but neither Seth nor his brother seemed to take much notice of it.

As they approached, Richie nudged him and he stopped staring out into the distance and instead focused on the men guarding the VIP entrance. He put on a charming smile and stepped forward. 

-

Her father returned her laptop after hours on it. She shut it in her room and he went back to his room instead of to the bar – although it helped that his car keys were hidden at least for the day.

Soon enough it wouldn’t be her decision to make tough calls, or try to take control of the situation. It should never have been that way in the first place. Soon enough the summer would be over and she would be off to college and maybe it wouldn’t be the life she wanted, but it would be new nonetheless.

A fresh start, exactly what she needed.

Beginning to finally unpack her bag, she sighed as she put things away, trying not to think about everything that she felt now tied into the contents of her suitcase. The dress from her date. The underwear she’d spotted in the backseat and Richie had caught her picking up with embarrassment burning onto her cheeks. The bikini that still smelled of chlorine. All of went into the basket by her door.

She finished up tidying her room and took the basket down through the now dark house. The only noise came from Scott’s room, Christian rock dull yet still easily identifiable coming from his too loud speaker.

Placing her things in the machine, she sighed and leaned against it, suddenly feeling a strange wave of anxiety.

Then it was pain, her ears ringing loudly and she hunched over the machine, barely holding onto it. She let out a yelp, holding onto her side and breathing heavy. It definitely wasn’t cramps. She wasn’t due for another week or so, and it hurt way too much to be that simple.

It was like...

It was like… Being shot. That was the closest thing she could think of. She’d never been shot before… And yet…

It faded but the feeling in her gut – the nerves - didn’t. Like something really bad had happened. It came together in her head quickly but the pain began to overwhelm her once more. _No_.


	16. heart

Kate had spent too much of her life searching for purpose.

She’d held her faith so tightly that it cut her deeply and even through the bleeding she tried to continue to be the person she had been. She never noticed how she had changed and grown. It took time to realise that she wasn’t the girl from eight months ago anymore. She wasn’t even the girl from three months ago anymore.

Idealism had fuelled her fire and she had lived out her life doing the opposite of what she should have been doing until it felt too late.

Her eyes were open now. Things were put into perspective. She was no longer going to be the girl who stared into space consumed with her own life. There was too much that mattered to her, too much that she wasn’t willing to let go of.

She dug her phone out of her pocket.

-

Richie didn’t think twice before answering his phone, pressing it against his shoulder as he drove. He barely registered her name, but confirmation of his assumption when he’d heard it start to ring had him trying to sit up straight and calming his voice. “So you felt that, huh?”

Seth went from groaning in the backseat of the car to speaking clearly in an instant. It was almost eerie how he must have known exactly who had called, but he still asked. “Who is it?”

Richie still wasn’t exactly sure how it all worked between the two of them. No amount of research seemed to make sense of it and his brother wasn’t interested in discussing it with him in depth. It was frustrating, but after seeing Kate in person he had tried to let it go. It wasn’t something to put an end to, it was inexplicable and as much as he hated the term – it sure felt a lot like fate.

Maybe not everything was meant to be examined. Besides, there was definitely more to focus on now.

On the other end of the line, Kate was frantic, repeating his name between what he assumed were tears. It felt like a punch to the gut to hear her like that. It made whatever had just happened more real. Even more so than the fact that he was currently speeding away from the scene of the crime with Seth bleeding in the backseat. “Is he okay? He’s not… He’s–”

“He’s not dead.” He replied shortly, wanting to reassure her as best he could, but he wasn’t sure what he could say to her. Out in front of him was just… dark, illuminated by headlights. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been driving, but he’d already changed destination twice. Richie had some vague idea about medical stuff, but he couldn’t fix this on his own. “He’s just… Not great.”

“Don’t fucking scare her.” Seth insisted, audibly wincing.

“Stop moving and shut up.” He replied with his teeth gritted, meeting his eyes for a second in the rear-view mirror. Focusing back on the road, he spoke as clearly as he could, pushing the emotion down. _Be calm_ , he told himself. Freaking out wouldn’t help anyone. “He’s been shot, obviously. Apparently not anywhere fatal since he’s still up and kicking but I’m planning on _not_ letting infection or bleeding out do the trick.”

It had all just happened so quickly, things going wrong in the blink of an eye and much too fast for him to mend. One moment it seemed to be going well, the next there were yells and gunshots and his brother stumbling back. The air had already been sucked out of him, the shock making him brace for the fear that maybe his brother wouldn’t be able to fight his way out of this one. He’d gone through a range of emotions but had settled on determination. There was no time to be afraid of losing him, he had to get him help.

“Oh, God.” Kate sucked in a breath, still shaky. “Are you taking him to a hospital? Where are you?”

It sounded like she was moving. A door banged closed in the distance. Richie leaned his foot down on the pedal a little more and overtook the car in front of him. They beeped loudly in response and he stuck up his middle finger, although it was likely not going to be seen.

“Not a hospital, but we know a guy.” He explained, turning into another street with his hands tapping impatiently against the steering wheel and then stilling, like he was bracing himself.

Again, heavy breath like she was holding back more tears and then she wasn't holding them back at all. “You know a guy? Richie… I can’t, He…”

“I’ll text you the address.” Somehow he knew she would come, even if it was a bad idea. Even if it pissed his brother off. It was important to the both of them that Seth made it through this.

He hung up and let the phone drop into his lap and Seth in the back was quiet, contemplative. His brother was a lot of things, but he often wasn’t the type to quietly sit back. Seth should be complaining, yelling at him to drive faster.

“I really thought… For a second...” He started, his voice soft.

Richie interrupted. “Don’t. That’s my job.”

Again, he sped up.

-

There was something awful about having to be relieved that the person you loved wasn’t dead. There was something even worse about knowing that they weren’t guaranteed to survive either.

Kate fumbled and dropped her phone onto concrete with slippery hands. It clattered against the ground and she muttered a curse word under her breath that she had been warned not to use a million times. She didn’t know the extent of Richie’s medical knowledge, but she knew he wasn’t exactly a doctor. In her brain, a clock had begun to tick and there was no choice to be made. She had to go. Wiping her cheeks with the backs of her palms, she reached down for her phone. Across the top there was now a long crack but she couldn’t focus on anything but the fact that it was still turning on and Richie would be telling her where to go.

Her head hurt and her cheeks stung with tears, but she tried to keep her breathing under control. She would need to be calm, even if her chest felt tight and constricted with pain. Turning around, she moved back up the porch and into the house, her footsteps echoing with urgency.

Taking two steps at a time, Kate steadied herself as she threw open the door to her brother’s room. Scott sat up in bed, pausing his game when he visibly noticed the state she was in.

“Hey, I have to go, okay? I don’t know when I’ll be back.” She told him, her words rushing and bumping into each other as she held onto the door frame.

He began to scoot off the bed, worry clear in his face. “Wait, go where? What’s wrong?”

“Something happened. I promise you I’ll never ask you to cover for me for the rest of our lives if you do this for me. I’ll call you with updates, I’ll do whatever you want. I just need to go.” Kate wasn’t above begging, but she knew her brother. She knew that despite their difference he had rivers of empathy. He loved her and she loved him, despite _anything_ else.

Scott swallowed thickly and time passed too slowly, she was beginning to feel numb with worry. “Is this about the thing we talked about? That person?”

“Yeah.”

Kate’s voice had never sounded so small or so sad.

“It’s not that Richard guy, is it?”

At that she laughed, but it was hollow. “No, no, it’s not him.”

His shoulders relaxed. “And you promise you’ll be okay?”

“I’ll be fine. I’ll be back, too. It’s not like I’m disappearing, I just don’t want anyone thinking I’ve gone missing… Or something.” She bit down on her bottom lip and let it go. “I wouldn’t go if it wasn’t important.”

Scott nodded and Kate fell back into being frantic, turning around so she could rush into her room. Wrapping her phone charger around her wrist, she found her keys easily and began to fall in step back down the stairs. It was a wonder she’d managed to grab anything in the state she was in, but when her phone vibrated with a message from Richie she knew she had to keep it up. She had a long drive ahead of her. Scott followed and as she got close to the front door again she heard her father’s voice, confused. Then came her brother, reassuring, saving the day. Again, her eyes were wet with tears.

It was hot out but she held a jacket tightly around her shoulders, feeling incredibly cold even as she got into the truck an shut the door. She allowed herself one moment of breath and then started it up. 

-

Ten minutes into her drive, Kate turned the radio off, cutting out the sound of some sappy love song. In the middle console, her phone was serving as GPS, since she didn’t have much of an idea where she was going without it. She hadn’t travelled out of her hometown often, and never on her own before. It would still be close to an hour before she would get there, and it was already late but she wasn’t tired. Fuelled by pure adrenaline, she forgot everything else in her life. It didn’t feel like it mattered.

The world was still and she was reaching for him as much as she could. Kate couldn’t be sure it would work, since they’d never had control over their connection, but she had to try.

_I need you to be okay_. Again, this time further. _I love you_.

-

A memory slid into her mind. Of her mother and father in the front seat, their hands interlocked. She followed her mother’s hand up to her face and saw her _smile_. Kate smiled too, briefly and hesitantly. She was leaning back, the seatbelt digging uncomfortably into her neck. She looked at Scott, half asleep and grinning to himself. They were so happy.

She kept convincing herself after everything she’d found out that it was all just illusion but that wasn’t true either. The good parts were as real as the bad.

It was all just shades of grey.

She held onto the steering wheel a little harder and then relaxed her hands.

Seth reached back. Not with words, but she could feel it, a pin prick that spread out over her like her vision was clearing and so were the clouds and for that moment he was okay. It was like seeing colour again. Beautiful and real and strong. She held onto that.

-

It was getting closer to midnight as Kate finally pulled into a driveway, or at least, what seemed to serve as one. Mostly, it was just dirt. From what she could see, it looked pretty desolate, even the house in the distance didn’t look like much of anything. It was white but in need of re-painting and there was a long gate blocking off what looked like a car port and a few cactus plants lining one of the larger windows. She checked her phone for the address again just in case.

Cutting the lights on the truck, she held her phone tightly in her hand and wished her heart wasn’t beating so fast. It took all of her strength to turn the car off all together, taking the keys out of the ignition nervously. As she got out of the car, she could see more even as she shut the door behind her, taking the first few hesitant steps forward. Her boots dug into loose dirt and she took a breath.

There was a light on. A faint one that she couldn’t see properly underneath heavy curtains but it peeked out in a slit of orange-yellow. Bracing herself, she walked forward more determined, at the very least she was sure there was someone inside.

Looking down at her phone once more, she clicked on Richie’s name and pressed call, hands suddenly shaky. It rang and rang but he didn’t pick up and she found herself still, so close and yet still terrified to move forward. If she saw it, it would be real. And yet it was real regardless. She couldn’t just look away and ignore it. 

_Kate…_

The voice made her whip her head around and yet she knew it was from inside her head. His voice. Another pin-prick turned bloom of hope spreading over her chest, she felt more rooted to the spot than ever. Kate didn’t want to lose it. She wanted to hear his voice again.

“Seth?” She spoke aloud without thinking.

Then there was something like a yell from inside and she was running. She struggled with the gate, shoving her phone into the pocket of her jacket as her hair whipped around her face from unexpected wind. Eventually she got it open only to be met with barking dogs. Stepping back, she shut the gate again but in the distance a door opened and the light hit a tall figure from behind. She saw the gleam of glasses felt a flicker of hope.

“Kate?” He sounded familiar, despite how long she’d known him in reality and she waited for him to walk up. The dogs were calmer when he was there and it made her calmer too. “That you?”

“Yeah.” Her voice felt raw as she realised she hadn’t spoken for a while. She’d spent a lot of the car ride going between crying and eerily calm.

“Hey.” Suddenly his voice was soft and he just stared as he pulled the gate open and stood there.

She practically barrelled into him, hugging his much taller frame as she squeezed her eyes shut and tried to take comfort in the fact that he was there and she was one step closer to Seth. Pulling back, she looked up at him while he looked conflicted. “Whose house is this?”

“Uh, friend of our Uncle’s.”

“Eddie?” She raised her eyebrows, thinking back to the older man.

He nodded, watching her carefully. “He told you more than I thought.”

“I’ve _seen_ a lot more of his life than you’d think.” She shrugged, looking to the door he’d came out of. “Is he inside? What’s going on?”

“Uh, not exactly sure. I got locked out of the room but… Just come in. I’ll tell you what happened.” He led her into the house and she couldn’t help but look absolutely everywhere. It looked bigger on the inside, with black and white checkerboard linoleum floors and tall ceilings. There were photo frames on almost every shelf surface and a small table with only three fold out chairs. She followed Richie as he took a seat in one, holding onto her sleeves while clenching her jaw.

Scooting forward, she reached for his hand, needing some form of physical comfort and unafraid to take it.

“Tell me.”

It started with Saturday, and she felt stupid for not having noticed the cues that something had changed.

The call Seth had taken wasn’t about nothing, and neither were their hushed conversations by the pool. Carlos had given them a job that was a bigger deal than the small stuff they’d been doing, meeting with people on behalf of him. Richie hadn’t even thought that he’d need the gun he’d snuck in.

What seemed like a risky deal ended up being a death trap they were always bound to fall into, whether Carlos knew it or not. The men they were meeting up with had no intentions to work together, they had planned on sending a message and when he had sent over lackeys instead they’d decided they’d try to send it anyway. The night went from a casual meeting in a club to Richie dragging his brother out wondering if he would make it and it broke her heart to hear. Imagining it made her feel sick enough to hold her hand over her mouth, taking slow breaths through her fingers. Her lips felt chapped and her body tired, but she still hadn’t seen him. She didn’t know.

-

Eventually the mysterious man treating Seth exited the back room. Richie had leaned over to her before walking off to make tea to calm their nerves. He explained that they called him Doc but he probably wouldn’t be interested in her doing the same. He didn’t know her and Richie had forgotten to tell him that she was coming. She screwed up her mouth as she realised the taller of the Gecko brothers was still standing in the small tiled kitchen and sunk into her seat as the older man walked in, blood on his Hawaiian shirt.

He had a lot of grey hair, but the rest of it was oil slick black, pulled back from his face into a low bun. Kate thought he looked like someone’s weird uncle. Like he would only freak you out if you didn’t know him. And she definitely didn’t know him.

“Good news,” He announced with a voice that filled the whole room and Richie peeked around the corner, finally catching on.

She averted her eyes elsewhere and dug her arms into her sides, crossing them over her chest when the man turned and noticed her there at his table.

“Who the hell is this?” His tone was closer to confused than pissed off, but she still felt shrinking under it.

Kate was sick of doing that. She spoke before Richie could. “I’m Kate.”

“She’s–” Richie was cut off by the older man.

“Pretty young to be Seth’s girl, aren’t you?” He looked concerned and she blushed furiously. Hearing it worded like that was… different to say the least. It was like the verbal confirmation of all that she’d felt and worried about, to hear it be legitimate to another person, even if he looked at her sceptically.

Looking to Richie, it just looked like he was pretending not to be amused. “Age is just a state of mind, right? Kate here might as well be as old as you.”

If she wasn’t already embarrassed…

“That right?” He took a seat in front of her, elbows resting comfortably on the table. She tried to sit up straighter and he held out his hand. “Name’s Roman, but _you_ can call me Doc, little lady.”

Hesitantly, she held out her hand and shook his. “Nice to meet you, Doc.”

It seemed to be a kind enough reaction to her, especially considering the warning she’d gotten but she still looked to Richie for confirmation. He looked pleasantly surprised and brought the mugs he’d been making over, placing them both down. She reached out for one and Doc slapped his hand and took the other for himself. She hid her smile in the brim of the mug and almost burned her tongue on scalding hot tea.

“I’m sure you’d like me to finish what I was saying, right?” She nodded, putting the mug back down on the table. “Well he’s not only gonna survive this, he’ll be good as new afterwards. I don’t know how the both of you manage this shit, you keep pushing it but this is the only injury I’ve had to put some effort into patching up in a long time.”

Kate couldn’t put the relief she felt into words. It made her lose focus, calm radiating over her although now more than ever she wanted to see it with her own eyes. Seth alive and okay. Seth there with her in person again. She found herself completely checking out of their conversation as they continued, finally remembering where she happened to be as something Richie said caught her attention.

“So he’s gonna be out of commission for a while?” She sat up, turning to him with concern in her expression. What would that entail exactly? Giving up whatever they had planned with Carlos? She wasn’t sure exactly what they planned on doing, but there was a time and place for asking. It wasn’t now and it wasn’t when Seth wasn’t around to even chime in.

“It’s gonna be a real bitch to heal, but the bullet managed to miss any major organs. He’s one lucky bastard, I’d take that and run with it.”

“When can we see him?” Kate asked, and then immediately felt bad. Richie should probably be the first one, but he didn’t look all that bothered by it.

“Tomorrow. I’ll deal with him for the rest of the night.” The both of them nodded. “For now, you two can share the spare bedroom.”

Doc finished off his tea and walked off, pausing to give himself a once over in the mirror before he stepped back into the other room. She watched but got no glimpse of Seth through the door. The atmosphere was a strange one. She wasn’t sure what to do, so she followed Richie’s lead when he eventually got up and led the way to the guest bedroom. Pulling off his suit jacket, he stared at the bed and then peered to her.

“I don’t mind if you sleep next to me.” She told him, assuming that was bothering him. She pulled her phone out to send her brother a series of texts explaining as much as she thought was appropriate and then placed it on the bedside table.

“Okay.” He nodded and she undid her jacket too before laying down on top of the covers, unsure if she was really all that tired, although her body felt heavy. It would still be hours until they had reason to leave the room, so she prepared herself to talk.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh thank you for the reviews on the last chapter!! encouraged me to get this one out to make sure no one was mad at me too long and basically to give a distraction to all of you that need it. another apology to be issued - this time for the lack of genuine sethkate interaction but i swear i'll make up for it. also, just quickly?? i can't believe i'm on the SIXTEENTH chapter holy shit.


	17. more to live for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i sat down and wrote like 5000 words last night because i'm fuelled by nice comments. here's a chunk of it. i know i've been saying we're getting to the end for the like last 5 chapters but i promise we are.

Richie took his place next to her and stared at the ceiling, his arms by his side.

The room wasn’t all that big, the bed was the largest thing in it and it was simple, the metal frame almost sterile in description. It was dull, all painted white, but more regularly kept up with than the outside of the house seemed to be. There was an entry to what she assumed was a bathroom but she didn’t check and had no plans to. Neither of them had bothered flipping the light on when they got in so they laid in darkness as their eyes adjusted. 

“I was really scared.” Her voice reached out to him and he turned to her, sadness in his eyes. Even if things had seemingly worked out, it was still a shock to the system.

“Me too.” He replied. Kate wasn’t even sure when he’d taken them off, but without his glasses he looked different, less like some sort of looming figure, or a character. She suspected maybe that was part of the point of wearing them the way he did, with his hair slicked back. To emulate something he saw on screens. In that moment he looked younger, more human and just as shaken up as she did. She knew that it would have hurt him worse to lose his brother and it was just another thing to keep her lips turned down.

“But he’s okay.” She added, staring back at him.

“Mm hm.”

“He’s alive because of you.” Richie turned back over and she reached out for his shoulder.

It took him a minute or two to talk again, as if he was organising the words. “I don’t blame myself for what happened. I blame Carlos.”

Kate removed her hand and rolled onto her side, although he stayed on his back. Her hand dug up underneath her pillow and drew it closer. “Do you think he knew?”

His expression pointed to conflicted, his lips moving but he decided on giving an answer that wasn’t the one he wanted to. “I can’t be sure, not until I look into it.”

“And when you know, what does that mean? If it was him… You’re going to get revenge?” She didn’t like that it came off her tongue without as much disapproval. Maybe she even wanted it herself.

Wasn’t she supposed to say that vengeance wasn’t the answer? Wasn’t she supposed to help lead people towards light?

“Considering it.” Richie replied, completely calm and still like he was controlling himself.

Couldn’t she understand it? She would be eternally loyal to her brother, not that she imagined a situation like this would come about. There was always that ‘what if’. She could only tell him what she knew and give her perspective. If she’d learned anything in the last year, it was that there wasn’t help in being judgemental, but there was in giving a different perspective and in using love. Kate had plenty of that.

She could understand want for revenge, but she knew better.

“I know that I’ll never be able to understand it, not to the same extent but… I care about the both of you. I know that revenge won’t give you peace, not really. Family… Love. Those are the things that we have to hold onto when God tests our faith.” Kate spoke although she knew that Richie likely wasn’t some devout Christian. She knew he certainly hadn’t had her upbringing, but she had to take from what she knew if she was going to make her point.

His gaze was trained on the fan on the ceiling for what felt like forever, and then he was turning to her quickly. She shifted back in surprise. “I think you should stay with us. Permanently.”

Her mouth fell open. “What?”

“I saw how much it hurt you when we left you, and I saw how much it fucked up Seth. I don’t know why neither of you seems to be considering it.” She wanted to say he was wrong, but it was scary to admit aloud, to someone other than Seth who would push the idea down with reality.

“Richie, my whole life is in Bethel.”

“But you hate that life. It’s just a part of you, it can just be your past, too. Small town girl is not all you’re ever going to be.” The worst part was, he wasn’t entirely wrong. She certainly didn’t love her hometown enough to want to be there for the rest of her life.

Kate pressed her lips together and she struggled to find the words to say anything at all. “I…”

Richie didn’t end there, sitting up and she still watched him from where she was laying, eyes wide. “I know Seth wants you to and I want you to as well. He just won’t ask because he thinks he doesn’t deserve it.”

Eventually, she sat up too, barely processing the words. Of course she had wanted this, but it wasn’t realistic. That was why she’d had to come back. That was why that weekend was some fantasy and her home was real life. “How could you know that this is a good idea? You’ve known me for barely a few days.”

 “When you know, you know.” It was clear he had made his mind up. “You’re different.”

Except there were issues either way. Being with Seth wouldn’t be perfect but nothing ever was. He was arrogant, impulsive, stubborn, but he was loyal too. He was kind and he cared about her more than she had thought possible when she’d first spoken to him. There was too much to consider and she wasn’t running on enough sleep to process it all.

“It’s late, we’re stressed I think that before we go around making big claims we should probably get some rest.” She sat back on her elbows.

“Sleep won’t change my opinion.”

She tipped her head to the side and smiled, feeling something immense for what she thought would be an unlikely ally. “And I’ll be happy with you for it in the morning.”

-

Kate woke up with pain too many times and thrashed in her sleep. Richie apparently slept like the dead, except at one point at two a.m. when she woke up as he gently helped her back over to the other side of the bed. She was too tired to be embarrassed and instead just tried to get more sleep. There wasn’t time to talk in the morning because by six a.m. their door was being knocked at and they were being called over for breakfast. She’d tried to wipe her eyes and brush out her hair with her hands as well as she could, but she knew she’d look like a mess no matter what she did.

In the day she could see the room more clearly and it was a lot easier to sense that it was generally used for patients. It was especially evident as Richie walked off to the kitchen and she took the bathroom, noting that it was the most sterile one she’d seen in a home in a long time.

By the time she left the room she’d spent her restless night in and realised that Seth was at the breakfast table, she was immediately overcome. If she wanted to run to him, she couldn’t, she was immediately met from behind by Doc who ushered her towards the table. She sat down, still a little dumbstruck. He was right there. _In the flesh_. Alive and okay and looking right at her again.

All she did was stare and he watched in surprise. She traced everything with her gaze, from his hair down to the bandages wrapped around him where he wasn’t wearing a shirt. On his side of the table, Richie was grinning to himself as he dug into a plate of waffles. There were four chairs at the table now, a smaller mismatched plastic one joining the fray.

It wasn’t until the tears started to well up in her eyes that he finally broke the silence that had left everyone else watching in amusement. “No need for tears, sweetheart.”

Swallowing, she wiped her hands over her eyes and pointed a finger at him in warning, but it wasn’t really much of a threat from the girl who’d almost cried merely over seeing him. Again. “Don’t be an asshole.”

“You drove all the way here by yourself?” He asked as they settled into a routine, but it was a better one than they’d had for a while. It was familiarity with each other, physically as well as mentally, although they hadn’t even touched yet.

“Oh no, I willed myself here by sheer force.” She grinned and thanked Doc as he placed a plate in front of her with a couple of waffles.

“The sarcasm is cute.” Seth said it with the type of smirk that would only rile her up, but she kept her cool. Always cute with her, it was teasing but he seemed serious about it when he said it.

“Careful who you piss off with that injury.” She held up her fork and then ate off it, finding she was incredibly hungry once the world didn’t feel like it was spinning completely out of control. It felt good to let herself relax and know for sure that he was okay, but she was probably going to be bickering with him for as long as he wanted to do it with her.

“I’m real scared of you with that fork in your hand.” He raised his eyebrows and focused on his own food but couldn’t stay there long. She resisted kicking his leg underneath the table.

“I get it now.” Doc said, after lull in their conversation as they ate, with the two of them continuing to meet each other’s eyes like teenagers enamoured with each other. He pointed between Seth and Kate.  “Absolutely makes sense.”

She kind of wanted to throw herself across the table, just that little bit, but she held back for the sake of everyone else in the room and her own dignity. Then, there was the bullet wound and all. They’d figure it out.

-

Breakfast ended and Seth managed to get them some alone time, ushering her into the back room. They needed it and thankfully everyone else seemed to be in agreement, so frankly Kate couldn’t care less where it had to happen. The room was a mess of medical equipment she didn’t understand and what looked like an office. She didn’t question it or stare too long, she was just focused on him as she took a seat beside him in one of the two chairs available that weren’t in front of a desk or previously used to treat someone.

“You know… There are ways to tell me you miss me that aren’t getting shot.” She joked, trying to lighten the mood although it wasn’t her usual style. Everything felt heavy between them. She wanted to drop the dead weight of expectation and fear and she just wanted it to be good and easy. She wanted them to be able to be happy.

“Trust me, if I knew that I would have picked something else.” He responded still settling himself into the chair and looking over at her as he finally sat up properly, trying to hide his wince.

She eyed the bandage. “Does it hurt a lot?”

“Not as much as you’d think. Not enough for you to be sitting there instead of here.” His arms splayed out across the arms of the chair and he held a hand up to her, gesturing for her to come to him.

Kate breathed out and smiled softly, getting up and moving across the short distance towards him carefully. It took a moment to settle in his lap without digging into anything, leaving her with a leg on either side of him while she tried not to blush too furiously. “You like me in your lap way too much.”

“Easiest way to have you close.” He held onto her instead of the chair and she couldn’t help but to repeat what she’d done earlier, tracing every line. He smelled clean and fresh, like soap with a hint of lemon. There was a graze above his right eyebrow that hadn’t been there before.

“Mm…”

His hands moved down her back and pulled her a little closer. “And easy access.”

“ _There’s_ the guy I was missing.” Her flat palms rested against his shoulders, glad to be skin to skin despite the fact that she was still a lot more dressed than he was in his loose fitting pyjama pants.

“So you keep saying.” He mumbled, incredibly close to her lips.

Kate stopped him before he could say anything else and cupped his cheeks, pulling him into a kiss. She kept his face in her hands, moving her kisses over his cheeks, gentle and barely there over his eyelids, then the tip of his nose. She didn’t want to take any of it for granted, not after that feeling in her chest and the pain in her gut. It stopped being gentle when her lips moved down to his neck and then it was rushed and hot, his skin under her mouth warm.

She wasn’t sure what he was doing when his hand moved underneath her denim skirt with a little difficulty and she paused against his skin, having made her way down to his neck in her urgency to express it all with actions. Wherever his head was at, it seemed that she was in the same place, encouraging it with her hips hastily. This was as good a time as any.

Their lips connected again as he brushed against her over her panties and she twitched in response. He laughed softly against her mouth and it was beautiful. Everything about being with him was beautiful. Having him physically there with her, despite the circumstances made her sure she was lucky.

Pushing her panties to the side she whined and rushed to shut herself up again. Sure, they had privacy but it was still a stranger’s house that she was doing this in. All of it was hazy by the time he pushed a finger into her and she whispered to him breathily, telling him she loved him. Everything between them seemed to shift together, every feeling, every memory. It felt like they had always been this way.

He was making up for what had happened, maybe. In his eyes this seemed to be the easiest way to show her that he loved her too. They kissed and frantically rode through the moment together. She was hardly bound to last very long in her tired and stressed state, but they both needed more contact. They needed more and Kate’s breathing didn’t slow or calm, it just kept getting harder to hold everything in.

“Hey, it’s okay.” He was calming her before she even realised she was getting overwhelmed, wiping his hand and cupping her cheek gently with the other one, making her look at him.

It hit her again, all of it, everything she’d felt getting there.

“It really felt like maybe… For a little bit…” She furrowed her brows, frustrated at herself for getting upset.

“Not dead. Right here.” Seth placed her hands back at his shoulders but leaned up to kiss her cheek. “Okay? I’m fine.”

She wasn’t calm. Not yet.

“Yeah, because by some miracle you and Richie happened to know some capable guy. Another thing I just… Don’t know about. I keep remembering that I don’t know things. I keep remembering that I love you and I can’t be with you and I still don’t know who you are. Not really.”

The admission probably wasn’t appropriate for the time and place, but it was a little late once it was out of her mouth. Nothing about them was appropriate for the time and place. Of course they went from badly timed to sexual encounter with his brother right in the other room, in some other man’s house to quiet, sad conversation.

He sighed. “You know when I told you to ask, I meant it. Why don’t you do it this time?”

She picked the first thing that popped up in her mind, remembering the man who had saved his life and probably hers too. “How long have you known Doc?”

“My whole life. Uncle Eddie and him went way back, like I’m talking since high school.” She raised her eyebrows at that. “Yeah, I know.”

Hesitantly, she allowed herself after some silence with eyes trained on his tattoo, to ask a more difficult question. She made sure to make eye contact, fingers still moving his skin slowly, not applying much pressure at all. “We don’t have to talk about it… But what about your parents? Are they…”

“Dad’s dead. Mom’s gone.”

She swallowed thickly and tried to fight the need to feel so much pity. He would feel it regardless if it was too strong, but it was hard to help. She cared about him, a lot. Letting go, she dropped her arms to wrap around his torso carefully while checking she wasn’t going to hurt him, he confirmed noiselessly. She pressed her face into his shoulder and then closer to his neck. Seth took a long breath before she found the words to reply.

“I’m so sorry. How…” She was already saying it before she could stop herself, her words tickling his skin. Kate was treading as carefully as she could, but curiosity had been building up in her so long that it was bound to come out eventually. “How did he die?”

He sighed, the discomfort evident from the way his body went stiff. “Not wasting any time, are you?”

Kate shrugged her shoulders. “I’m not gonna force you to answer… You know I’m not, but the tough questions had to happen eventually. I’d rather if they happened in person.”

It took time for him to speak, and Kate didn’t blame him, she just continued to lay there against him, clinging to his warmth as she stared at the window in the distance. He took a deep breath, his chest rising and falling with her before he spoke again.

“Yeah, okay… Uh, it was a fire. Me and Richie were kids… He just barely dragged me out of there.” The sadness in him was so real that it made her heart sink. Empathy on a level that she couldn’t express. “Whole god damn house gone including my Pops, shit like that really fucks you up. I used to, uh, have nightmares about it. Don’t know all that much about it, like… how it happened, but Eddie became our guardian, eventually.”

What could Kate say in response to all of that? It wasn’t like she could fix it. All she could do was hug him tighter, her lips turned down. Again, she was thankful he had Richie. That they had Eddie.

“You all seem really close… And I can feel it, how much you love him and Richie.” She commented, after a moment.

“He was our dad’s best friend. Didn’t have to take us in, but he did and then he taught us everything he knew. Him and Richie? That’s all I have.” There was something about the way he said it that made it all worse. Seth Gecko didn’t expect people to care about him. He seemed to think he owed it to anyone who did.

“And me. You have me.” She insisted. He held onto her tighter.

-

They left the room, pretending that nothing out of the ordinary had happened when they came through the door. Conversation about Carlos happened in hushed tones as Kate went to shower. There was still a lot to consider, but neither Gecko brother was interested in forgetting about it. In fact, they knew they couldn’t. Carlos would call eventually, likely organise a meeting and it would come time to make a decision. Seth and Richie were in agreement to look into his place in the matter further, although Doc had given a disapproving look.

“Way I see it, you can do what you’re doing or you can use this as your way out, cause you sure as shit can’t afford to start a war with anyone worse than the people that gave you this.” He motioned to the wound, no longer visible underneath Seth’s borrowed t-shirt.

“You think it’s gonna be that easy? That we should _let it_ be that easy?” Richie shook his head and leaned back in his chair. All three of them were stubborn, it was a common trait with men in their profession. It was easier sometimes to agree with yourself than to consider that you could be wrong, but it was valuable when you could accept it, Seth knew that much.

“I think you two got more than just each other to live for and you might wanna start remembering that.”

Neither brother had a response for that.


	18. some mundane existence

_“Me and I are not friends  
She is only an acquaintance._

_I hate dreaming of being alone  
‘cause you are never there._

_Just a shadowy figure with a blank face  
kicking me out of his place.”_

* * *

Scott called hours later and Kate felt bad for forgetting, answering after having missed him a few times. Holding the phone to her ear she’d gotten up from the kitchen table where the whiskey and cards had come out, half in celebration and half to calm the anxiety. Seth had watched her as she stepped away but she’d given him a smile that said not to worry.

“Hey, sorry. I must have put my phone on silent, I’m okay. Everything good there?” Her hair was still a little damp, tied up with the ends swishing across her shoulder as she turned away from everyone else.

Scott on the other end sounded the same as he always did, although maybe a little more tired than usual. She wasn’t sure how much sleep he’d gotten. For all she knew he could have been up all night waiting for her text. “Yeah. Dad left a while ago though. I don’t know where to.”

Her stomach sank. “That doesn’t sound good.”

“I’m trying to be positive.”

She tried to do the same, toughening herself up as she let her eyes wander around the small space in front of her. It was a cabinet that spanned the wall, covered in photo frames, trinkets and weapons.

“Whatever he does, that’s not on you, okay?”

Scott changed the subject but didn’t seem uncomfortable, just worried. “When are you coming back?”

 “I… I don’t know. Tomorrow at the latest. Maybe even tonight.” There wasn’t an honest answer to give yet and she probably shouldn’t have picked something so soon.

“I don’t even know where you are.” He complained and she pursed her lips, feeling awkward.

“You trust me, don’t you?”

“That doesn’t mean I trust whoever it is you’re with.”

On the shelf closest to her, there was a picture of two boys, one a little taller than the other sporting thick rimmed glasses. Neither grinned up at the camera like she did in her childhood photos. The shorter of the two had his head angled down, peering up bashfully with what looked like pink cheeks. The taller was looking at something out of frame with concern. It had to be them. Kate almost picked it up to look closer, but she didn’t. They were young there, too young and it would just fuel too many questions. She focused back on her brother on the other end of the line

“I’ll text you. Tell me when dad’s home again, okay? Unless you’re going somewhere?” She turned back around, leaning against the cabinet as he answered her question.

“With the house to myself, are you kidding? I’m staying right here. The neighbours can get well acquainted with my iTunes library.” She could see his smile in her mind and it made her a little giddy to hear him be himself. As far as she was concerned, fuck the neighbours, he deserved to enjoy himself.

“Bye, Scott.” Kate took a few steps back towards the table again.

Scott said goodbye too. “Stay safe.”

Putting her phone back into her pocket, she shifted in the too big clothing she was wearing. The smallest thing Doc had were dress shirts and shorts that she’d had to tighten a belt around. She looked a little ridiculous in it, but Seth had just shrugged and made a comment about her looking like a pirate. It had prompted a scowl but not much else. Taking her seat once again as Seth finished his drink, she noticed the poker chips coming out too and grinned. This was a distraction from their impending interaction with Carlos that she could get into.

“So, which of you wants to have their ass handed to them?” She asked, her eyes sparkling mischievously.

Seth looked amusedly at her. “They teach you poker in Church camp?”

She narrowed her eyes.

“You’re about to find out.”

-

Richie was the one to get the call. Apparently news travelled slower than expected to their almost boss and he’d sat at the table on the phone with Kate, Seth and Doc watching. There was greeting and then explanation and she could see Seth seething beside her. She reached for his hand but didn’t look at him.

“Uh-huh… Right.” Richie nodded and she let go of the breath she’d been holding in just to end up holding it in again. “Where? How long?”

Everyone in the room was on edge. Kate especially had seen how fixated Richie had been on doing something about what had happened. She remembered too that he had been the one to want more glory, to want not only a seat at the table but a bigger share of the bounty. That had come with the danger of potentially working for a man who made their lonesome profession into his finely-tuned business.

Seth was tense and it was evident in the way he moved back in his chair and held tightly ontp her hand, while Richie spoke rationally into the phone and controlled his expression. She wasn’t sure exactly what was going on. Once he hung up, the room felt like it was buzzing until Seth voiced his concern aloud.

“The fuck are you doing, Richie?”

“He wants to meet.” He replied like it wasn’t the big deal that it was.

“And you thought that was a good idea? Now?”

“What other choice do we have?”

“There’s gotta be something.” Seth leaned back, holding his hands up after dropping hers. “If we have to work with this guy… Or if we’re gonna be forced to take him down, I can’t play coy when I’m pissed the fuck off.”

“We’re done with him.” That sent another ripple of shock over the room, but Kate looked even close to grateful.

On the other hand, Seth beside her leaned forward. “What?”

“Isn’t that what you want?”

“I guess.”

They didn’t argue for long, eventually they fell into agreement. Seth was stubborn, but it was working out in his favour. He’d never wanted to work under Carlos and revenge was useless when he could barely move around too much without pain. Still, they would have to meet to sever the tie and that was an issue. Carlos had picked a meeting point and a time – some remote diner as darkness started to set. He would have the advantage of surroundings as well as knowing that the brothers likely couldn’t tell whether it had come down to him or not.

The fact that he planned to physically meet them was a big deal, but Seth immediately tried to underplay it when she looked worried. He reassured her with his hand on her lower back and she tried to think of something to say that wasn’t to express it. She didn’t want either one of them hurt, not again.

“Relax, baby.” He whispered to her.

“Easier said than done.” It came out more sharply than she’d expected. “I just wish it could be over already.”

“When are we leaving?” Seth asked, turning back to everyone else.

“Forty minutes, give or take a few.” Richie pulled out his gun and began to examine it, she watched curiously, finally finding a good enough distraction. Obviously, he knew exactly what he was doing and she followed every hand movement as well as his line of sight as best she could.

“Kate.” Seth turned to her and caught her attention again. “You can stay here with Doc, alright? Don’t need you getting caught up in anything you can’t handle.”

It was out of the question. “No, I’m coming with you. You’re not leaving me here.”

“Don’t you think she’ll be safer with us?” Richie interjected and in response Seth groaned, but it was one of reluctant approval. She’d rather be in their car than waiting for them and wondering when they’d be back. Or if they’d be back at all.

Richie had turned his chair away to continue to look at his phone, placing the gun down. Poker chips were still spread out across the table after Kate’s devastating defeat of everyone else and it just became a part of the mess. Doc had ambled off to the other room and she wasn’t sure when he was coming back or if he would be coming with them too. The call had interrupted their moment of joy and for that she hated it, but of course it was necessary and now they had a chance to be done with Carlos.

-

Richie drove them to the diner after she texted Scott and updated him vaguely on what was happening. He responded by saying that their father had come back and apologised while slurring his words. It had made her uneasy, but she focused on the moment she was living through.

The sky had begun to fade into a deep orange and the sun still felt like it could sizzle an egg on a sidewalk. The back windows were rolled down and Kate’s hair whipped out of the right one, hitting the black paint as she turned her head to look at a car passing them. They sped up and passed the car again but her eyes were shut, taking comfort in a moment of peace. She wasn’t sure what was coming and her car had been moved underneath the shelter of the car port, just barely fitting. She made friends with the dogs as everyone prepared – the brothers were back in their suits.

They handed her the smallest gun Doc had ‘ _just in case_ ’ and she’d felt awkward with it in her hand. While Seth said temporary goodbyes, Richie showed her how to fire it without _really_ showing her and it had continued to leave her unsure about it. As they drove it was in the seat beside her, the safety on.

When they pulled up, she noticed the two white SUVs waiting in the parking lot, a man in all black waiting in front of one, flanked by taller men in varying shades of grey. All of their outfits looked ill-fitting for the Texan sun, but they didn’t look all that bothered by the heat burning down on them, at least not from a distance.

“There’s Carlos.” Seth pointed out and somehow she had known it as soon as she saw him.

They parked and the Geckos’ got out and he moved to her passenger door as she rolled the window back up. When she was done he opened the door and leaned down to her. “You keep that gun with you, okay? And… If anything happens. Just go back to Doc. You take the car and you go.”

He leaned forward to kiss her forehead and pulled back but she stopped him, bringing him into a proper kiss.

“For good luck.” She shrugged and he shook his head, closing the door and taking his place beside his brother as they began to walk over. In the back seat, she undid her seatbelt and moved towards the front so she could see the scene unfold.

-

Seth hadn’t felt so nervous in his life, although it seemed easiest to just attribute it to the pain medication he was on. Some part of him was sure there was no way he should still be up and kicking and yet there he was, walking into another possible battle with his gun burning a hole through his clothing. Carlos unnerved him and Seth knew how much he _loved_ that. There was something in the way he spoke that threw him off, like he was facing a kind of danger that he didn’t understand.

“ _Los Hermanos Gecko_. So good to see you both in one piece.” He began, holding his hands out as the two of them stopped in front of him. Seth forced himself not to think of Kate in the car until he could get back to her. He kept wondering if she was keeping a close watch or trying to distract herself. Probably the former.

“Carlos.” Richie greeted him coldly. Seth just nodded.

They must have looked like an interesting crowd, Carlos flanked by his men on one end and the brothers on the other. The diner was all windows, but light reflected off it and he couldn’t tell if they were currently being watched like hawks from the inside. For all he knew, Carlos had people in there too. He balled up his hands into fists.

Carlos noticed their hesitance to greet him and it was very unlike the first time, all smiles and charming back and forth and only vaguely threatening at the worst of times. “You’re not pleased with me. That’s to be expected. If I had known how that deal would turn out, I certainly wouldn’t have sent you, but hindsight is twenty-twenty, am I right?”

“Right. Do you have a point you’re getting to?” Seth grimaces.

“I see that getting shot hasn’t made you brood less, Mr. Gecko.” Carlos mused, glancing down and then meeting his eyes. “You do it well, enough to make a teenage girl _swoon_.”

Seth grit his teeth, it sounded like a threat, but then again so did everything out of his mouth. “What are you getting at?”

“I just noticed that you’ve added a new addition, is all. Surprising stuff, a pretty little thing like that running with criminals.” It’s not like he would have missed Kate, but he didn’t turn around to check what she was doing. He didn’t necessarily trust that she could hold her own in a fight, not yet, but he hoped she wouldn’t have to. He just had to get through the tiring, nerve-wracking interaction in one piece.

“She’s none of your business.”

“Never pegged you for a cradle-snatcher, although I guess it shouldn’t surprise me.” He laughed, making a comment to his men that Seth didn’t quite catch.

Before he could get too worked up, Richie took his shoulder and he forced his mouth shut, letting his brother do the talking for the moment. The gun felt even hotter against his back and he would have no problems shooting the asshole between the eyes, but they needed to get out of it alive. “Look, we’re not here to do anything other than telling you that we’re out.”

“Is that so?”

There’s something he had caught on to. Carlos wanted to throw them off. He was all raised eyebrows and amusement, like even if he didn’t organise what happened, he wanted them to still think he could have.

Still, Richie was resilient and fought through his fear better than Seth did. He could handle the tough situations.

“We were never all the way in, and we’re willing to let what happened go. No harm, no foul. We’re of no use to you anyway, Seth can barely shoot a gun.” He explained and at that, Seth frowned, turning his head towards his brother. He didn’t verbally object, but it felt a little far-fetched. Not that he had shot a gun in the last twenty-four hours, but he was pretty sure he could do it.

“I was looking forward to having the Gecko brothers in my inventory…” Carlos sighed, turning to one of his guards and whispering in his ear. Seth glanced at his brother nervously before he finished, clasping his hands together. “And when Seth is healed, you’ll still be of no use to me then?”

“Who knows, maybe by then we’ll have put this life behind us. We were thinking of buying a bar.” Richie smiled, as confident as ever.

“Well, in that case.” The man chuckled and ordered his men in Spanish – which Seth had never been all that good at. “I’m sure I’ll see you two around.”

Seth and Richie didn’t move until they had to be out of the way for their cars to pass by. It felt like neither of them breathed until then either. They got back to the car and Richie decided he wanted to check out the diner and promised to be right back while Seth stayed with Kate, revelling in the fact that they were both in one piece when they probably shouldn’t be. Maybe it wasn’t entirely over, but for now they could breathe.

-

Internally, Kate had been having her own battle in the car, wondering if it was appropriate to speak up as he got back. If she didn’t, she knew Richie would – he’d given her a look before walking off – and if it was something she wanted, wasn’t now as good as ever to go for it? Now, before he was splitting them up again and hurting the both of them. He sat in the backseat beside her, his hands on his face as he leaned forward with his jacket strewn over the seat in front of him.

Kate reached for him, prying his hands away from his face so she could capture his gaze. It had to happen in that moment.

“Seth, I can’t leave you again.” Her tone was pleading, she was being as serious as she could manage.

“What? Kate… You can’t…” He looked taken aback, eyebrows raising and then he was shaking his head, eyes narrowed with discomfort. “Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

They turned in their seats instinctively towards each other. “Don’t… Don’t say shit like that. I’m not the best at pointing out my flaws, but I know I’m a stubborn, selfish son of a bitch sometimes,” She disagreed, but didn’t voice it. “And you deserve a lot better than a life like this. I mean, shit, I could have just died right there in front of you. He could have taken the both of us the fuck out, and he… He mentioned you. Maybe not as a direct threat, but, it was as close as I ever want you to be to a man like that.”

Kate gritted her teeth, reaching to take his hand in hers and watching him, keeping his eyes on her. His attitude was starting to piss her off. She wasn’t some precious thing to be handled with kid gloves and she could learn to handle the danger, if he’d let her.

If she was enough for him to love, he shouldn’t have been undermining what she wanted.

“And what exactly is that supposed to be? I deserve some mundane existence where all I have to look forward to is one of us showing up to the other every few days or so to fuck? To pretend we feel good and then go back to our miserable lives?” Her voice was anything but calm and his face shifted as she spoke, unsure how to respond.

Maybe she needed to be harsh. Maybe being kind wouldn’t get her anywhere and she owed it to herself to be straight up with him, even if the words were hard to get out. If she weren’t so certain, she wouldn’t have done it, but Richie’s reassurance had gone a long way and she could feel it. She knew that they needed each other.

Still, Seth held out, shaking his head. “You think being with me is gonna be any better? Because newsflash, Kate, we may not be working for Carlos any longer but we’re still the same thieving bastards.”

“When has that _ever_ changed my mind?” Kate challenged, her voice rising.

“Trust me,” Seth didn’t get to finish the thought, because she was already speaking over him.

“No, you trust me. I _know_ what I want. And if you’re willing to let me go that easy, I’ll finally be ready to agree that you’re a bastard.”

He stared down at their hands, squeezing them and she could feel his pride stretching across to her. He was _proud_ of her. She almost rolled her eyes.

“What if you regret it?” He asked, after a beat, his expression becoming troubled.

Bringing his hand to her mouth, she pressed a kiss against it softly and his gaze came back to her. She grinned.  “Then we’ll have one hell of a messy break up.”

The reality of it was that Kate had already pulled away from her life in Bethel. She’d started pulling away a long time ago. That place wasn’t for her, not for the woman she was underneath everything that had been built up on her as her identity. Underneath the religion, preoccupation with high school drama and family values there was a girl who could appreciate the good and the bad in life, who had never been able to explore it until it was there in her head or staring her in the face.

It would take time to truly accept herself in a different world to the one she had been raised in, but she wanted to try. She had a right at an attempt, at the very least. Seth’s hesitance was just another obstacle and she’d gotten through that too. It didn’t need to be absolutely perfect, in fact she hardly expected that would ever be the case, but that’s not what she expected.

Richie came back with a slice of pie wrapped up and leaned into the now open window, watching with amusement as the two of them made out in the backseat for a moment before he knocked on the side of the car and surprised them. He chuckled as he got into the front seat and Kate snuck another kiss.

“I’m guessing you two sorted it out?” He asked, after a moment.

“Yeah, looks like you’ll be seeing a lot more of me.” Kate replied before Seth could make a snide comment at his brother.  

The fact was, she felt more at peace there in their car holding Seth’s hands while he procrastinated driving off into the sunset. With Richie peering at them curiously in the mirror than she had been in a while. It was dangerously close to comfort to her in such a short period of time, but it felt like forever. He had been right when he’d said that it’d always been real.

 

 

* * *

**EPILOGUE**

It didn’t all work out the way she thought it would, but somehow that was better. 

Kate left all her packing far too late, and she knew that much when the horn sounded outside and her phone rang. She ignored both as she continued to stuff things into her bag at the last minute, raking her fingers through her hair. Turning around to survey the area, she had thought that maybe her room would look emptier, but it looked about the same to her.

The walls were still covered in posters and photos, although there were a few missing – ones with her parents and Scott. There was a photo of her and Seth, with Richie in the background making a face at the camera still sitting on her desk. Zipping up her suitcase, she ambled down the stairs fast enough that it probably could have ended badly, but she stuck a landing at the bottom.

“Daddy, they’re here!” She called out, dropping her bag as she left the front door and practically broke into a sprint.

Seth caught her and she wrapped her legs around his waist, giggling and giddy before he managed to finally capture her lips in a kiss. They ignored the man at the door and the one standing against the car, kissing until they were grasping for breath and even then she didn’t stop being excited.

“You shaved!” She exclaimed, grasping his smooth cheeks like it really mattered all that much to her. She’d just gotten used to the scruff. 

“I’m guessing we both did, right?” He pulled her a little closer and she pushed him lightly in response.

“You’re such an idiot.” The smirk made her sneer at him and he let her down.

It wasn’t like she hadn’t seen him just a week ago – in person, too, but this time it was different. This time when that car pulled away she would be in it. Almost five months of torturous waiting later, her family was okay and she was going to be able to start her life with a new one.

Kate had deferred from college and spent those five months taking care of her brother and father, making sure they’d all gotten the help they needed. Hell, even she went to therapy sessions. Scott had joined a band, her father was three months sober after some hiccups and had a stable job too. She felt _good_ , like she hadn’t in a long time.

Seth and Richie… or Seth by himself had visited every now and then. Their bond had seemed to wane in the physically showing up department, especially when she saw him for prolonged periods of time, but she didn’t mind. She still questioned the purpose it every day for a long time and had asked God for guidance but all he gave her was Seth showing up at her doorstep with messily picked flowers from her neighbour’s garden and that had to be enough.

Coming back to the present, she walked back up to the porch and kissed her father’s cheek as she said goodbye, promising it wouldn’t be too long till she came back. He’d been hesitant to let her go, but after a few awkward sit-down dinners, he’d given her his well wishes. Scott had been even more hesitant, especially since he and Richard hardly got along, but he had said goodbye to her properly the night before.

They put her things in the trunk and she didn’t cry, just relaxed into the backseat as they pulled out of the driveway, waving.

“Maybe we should tell Katie about that bank you’ve been looking at. Maybe she’d be interested in doing more than just living with us.” Richie said, turning to look at her with a smile.

Their friendship had developed a lot in the past five months. He had taken comfort in her ability to be understanding and she had expressed all the love she could muster in return.

“Careful talking like that, brother. Don’t wanna scare her off as soon as we got her.” Seth replied, only looking at her for a split-second in the rear-view mirror as he turned out of her street.

“Hey, don’t assume what’s gonna scare me. I wanna hear it.” She insisted.

They got off track, falling into a conversation about dinner and closet space in the apartment they were going to be sharing. Kate felt something swell in her chest, almost in time with her Seth had the same feeling, the kind of love that was tied to loyalty. The bone deep stuff she never thought she’d have with anyone but her own family.

It still felt that way when they started unpacking.

It still felt that way when Seth interrupted her and pulled her onto the bed.

The words escaped her and came back to her as she laid awake still in his arms. Dysfunctional, messy, dangerous… a little weird. Home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woahhhh we’re done! i’m struggling to put all of my feelings into words, because honestly a lot of this has been with mixed emotions. some of it felt like a breeze and other parts made me want to rip my hair out. the constant encouragement has really kept me going and this story has come to mean so much more to me than i thought it would when i started it. through a lot of this story (as you can probably tell) i’ve really just been letting it take me where it wants to go and not planning ahead, but i think it ended up alright. literally all i had as an idea when i started was seth and kate seeing each other in their mirrors… 55k words later and here i am!
> 
> maybe it wasn’t the most action-packed or close to canon fic, but i’m pretty proud of what i have. 
> 
> to the people who commented on any chapter – thank you so much, even the really short ones have made my heart so, so, so happy. to people like savanah, carol, mill, connor and arsy who’ve encouraged me and livetweeted and just generally been the best about all of it – you guys are seriously the loveliest people and i hope you know how much you all mean to me. 
> 
> seth and Kate really snuck up on me as an otp, but i’m so happy to have them in my life now. 
> 
> i would say i get to relax now, but mostly i just mean i can start working on all my other unfinished stuff.


End file.
